Can you make sense of this?
 

For the past little while I haven't been active in the S/M community, but now I find myself needing it (which I can attribute to two things but anywho...)
For a start, I feel I need to be reminded of what it is to be a slave and the usual protocol (rules, behaviours and such) etc.
I essentially feel as if my ideas of being a slave need to be reinforced.
The main problem with that is, is that while I have been gone, I don't know what the right ideas are.
I have people saying that what I've been taught is wrong, and I see what they mean, but, I also don't know what it was I should've been taught and whether or not I just got the extreme end of the stick as it were, rather than the more milder S/M ideas or if it's true and what I've been taught is more on the abuse end of the scale.
This just went on a complete tangent to what it was I meaning.
Please reply if you can manage to make some sort of sense out of this, I think I just needed to get it said so that it was no longer in my brain.
Anywho, thank you for reading this far and also sorry for using up so much of your time.

As it is with all things, its all relative. How I think a slave should behave or what she should do is different from what the next poster will believe. What truly matters is what you want and what you believe. Find someone who matches up with what your beliefs.

Everyone is different. Its one of the reasons I've been looking for so long. My style doesn't click with everyone.

Do you think you've been abused? If you do, then maybe you need a master/dom that will tune it down some. If you don't, then maybe you were taught what you should've been taught in the beginning.

Sadly one of the first things you learn in this lifestyle is there is no "one size fits all."

Thank you for that, it's very true. I find myself torn between two worlds, one where I love what I've been taught and find it useful, and then there's the other side which makes me really wonder whether I really deserved what it was I allowed myself to be put through and whether or not I would be (somewhat more) normal now. I'm still trying to work through it all but I still can't seem to let myself leave it behind and find a new way of doing things. People keep telling me I've been abused and it wasn't right, or healthy etc, but I still don't understand what they mean, in my mind I got what I deserved. But then that also leads me to the point where is/was that just because I have no self worth, but then there's another problem where I believe I'm not entitled to self worth and therefore just roll with it.
Anywho, I just started blabbing again, sorry about that, but it is good to be able to actually think about it this way.

Also, after reading your ad for a sub, I truly hope you find the girl you're looking for.

Maybe you've changed. Maybe you need to be "trained" again. Its up to you to be honest. What do you think needs to happen?

Talk to people find someone you match with. It does not hurt to be picky in these situations.

True, I'll have a look around and see who I can find. I'll also put a bit more thought into it as well, hopefully I can figure it out.

Thoughts
 

I can understand your confusion and your concerns. As has been said already, everyone is different and what is important is what you feel and if you are comfortable with it. Without knowing more of the details it's hard for us to say if you were abused or taken advantage of. That can indeed happen in this lifestyle, and that is not something that should be tolerated. But where that line is depends upon you. Were you informed of everything that would happen and given an option to decline if something wasn't right? Trust is an important part of any D/ relationship. If you felt you had that with your Dom and you were respected by him, then you don't have to be ashamed of enjoying the experience.

And even if you do decide that things were not right and you were taken advantage of, you shouldn't feel bad about enjoying aspects of your experience. You have desires and interests, and that relatinship allowed you to have those experiences. You learned more about yourself and what you crave and need. Use that to help you decide your next step and to help you better understand the kind of Dom you desire.

And I applaud your courage to speak up here and allow us to help in some small way.

Maybe more people than you think have that exact same thing going around in their head.

I'm pretty sure everyone has their own private little 'dark side'. It's surely different from person to person, but it's dark nonetheless. now, 'dark' isn't the right word for it, because it are just thoughts and longings that are not integrated in our 'society'...

Never hate or doubt yourself for feelings that don't harm anyone else.
Don't be a sheep that follows the flock without living your life as you wish.
Because you know, it's yours and yours alone!

Make sure you have lived before you die...
Make your own decisions.


Ow, i forgive you for stealing my time. :p

It is really hard to tell you anything with out knowing exactly what your problems are, or what your past experiences was. There is so much vagueness in your post that it makes it difficult to truly say anything with any certainty.

Where you Taught wrong? Where more abused because of your ignorance of what was acceptable as you just started exploring this world?

I dunno.

What where you taught? How where you treated on a daily basis? what was your average punishment? What incurred that punishment? What where your expectations/tasks you where required to fulfill for each session?

Are these people implying that you where taught wrong right in their judgement?

Again - I can't say...

Was this said in casual conversation, or was it said in the prospects of being a potential future dom? Was it their Experience talking, or perhaps their personal Preference?

Data, data, data... Can't make bricks with out Clay.

To put it simply, I had to lose my identity. I lived by everything I was taught, the rules and expectations were drilled into me. If I ever made a mistake, I felt over-whelming guilt, which isn't too bad should a master tell me what punishment I needed, but even after it all, I find myself needing to find someone to punish me, otherwise I do it myself and I have no mercy. The degree to which I was trained meant that I when I went into my 'state' (which it has become known) it meant that I felt that I had no right to an opinion, I just did whatever I was told, no matter how I felt about it. And the worst part is it still affects me even after I take a break, even after I thought I was okay, but then I read over old messages and I'm back into it, I feel nothing except what I've been trained to feel. That's how the conversation came up, two of my close friends noticed that I was acting odd and then they told me that it wasn't right, which I could sort of understand but I still can't, I still don't think of it that way, maybe it's not, I don't know. So I've been trying to make sense of it.

Good points, the main problem is, I don't know whether I wanted this before or after my training. It's all mixed and muddled and I don't know what's what and I still don't know what I want now.

Thanks. As helpful as that all is, I still don't know, everything has become a blur of experiences and I don't know what it was that I first wanted/needed. I just, have no idea.

Wow, you would make a great slave.

Ok, guilt, what you were feeling. When a Master punishes a slave, he has to have a good sense of balance. Not to punish too much, or too little. Too little, leaves the negative feelings you have, guilt, shame, and so forth. Too much, and then the slave revolts and snaps back at the Master. You have to do it just right, so you wipe the slate clean, so the slave is happy and cheerful and everything is alright in the world. Now this is when the important word comes into play "Communication". Your Master should of noticed you weren't happy, and talked with you and found out you felt guilty. Next, if he didn't, you should of told him, that you felt the punishment wasn't enough. Ok, enough about punishment, I can write a book on that. But it all comes down to communication, if you feel your slate wasn't wiped clean, tell your Master.

Next why your have the need to be a slave. Some women, need a man to control them, so once they are under control, then they can find themselves, and start controlling themselves, and feeling secure in the relationship. A perfect example is, The Training Period. You become my slave, I control you 100%, you don't breath without my permission. Then as time goes by, I stop micro-managing you, You start taking control of yourself, slowly, at first, then at the end of the training period, your 100% in charge of yourself, you know what needs to be done, and you do it.

I would go deeper into the M/s relationship, and why it works and the dynamics, but I would be hijacking the thread.

You are most likely suffering from Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder... although it could potentially be another personality based disorder if given enough details and observation of your interactions speech patterns, and changes between now and then, etc. C-PTSD seems to be the most plausible as it is PTSD-like, but created through prolonged exposure to the point that those negative reactionary attributes become learned.

In BDSM stressors such as pain and punishment are used to instill new learned reactions to stimuli to change a person - however what you're describing seams like an Extreme variation of it. This can be indicitive of Long Term enslavement such as Live-in slaves, Absolute Domination, or De-humanization and Individual Possession seen in HuCows or Human Furniture.

(as a side note - you could of experienced normal treatment, but also suffer from some other underlying stressor which effectively amplified the outcome... every one is different and training influences them all differently)

Simply said - A LOT of Stress was combined with Pleasure and the implication that you Deserved what you got to the point that it has permanently fucked you up. It is now a part of your life and can no longer be separated between your Fantasy and Reality.

What you want from it now is up to you.

Learn to live with it, Try and Correct it... Or go deeper into it - you started this path as your choice... unlike most other people that gain PTSD.


Suffice it to say - i find this some what interesting, and would like to hear more.

Fair enough, thank you either way :)

I'm open to answering any questions