BDSM sessions as an outlet for hurt feelings
 

Have you ever found that receiving painful tasks was a good way to vent or sooth painful emotions you had ? And felt better afterwards ?

And for those who might be on the other side, maybe through giving someone else pain ?

(keeping it short and to the point this time)

Definitely experienced this on the sun side and also have had a pat sub tell me it was what she did.

I would say it's a slippery slope to do on the Dom side though. Taking out emotions on another reguardless of the source of the emotion really moves the slider to the abuse side rather than Domination in my opinion.

I would definetly say that I dont painful task for some form of relief for painful memories not really sure how much better I would feel afterwards though

As someone working in an area were I have a lot contact with situations like that I can see the appeal at first glance. A lot people in extreme situations can fall into using pain and self harm as a form of relief or trying to "feel at least something". And compared to some other things BDSM may be a lot less harmful long term.
That does in no means make it a good solution!
In situations like that what a person needs is help and deal with what hurt them, not to dull the feeling by overpowering it with more extreme feelings. Ignoring the cause will make things worse on the long run!
Masochism is not therapy!

And to the other side, as an sadist myself, I have to say if you feel like you need to hurt someone because you feel hurt or out of channelling anger you are showing very bad behaviour going into the area of abuse! And are the reason why sadism can have the bad view from the outside. Get help!
Sadism is not therapy!

So masochism definitely isn't therapy, but I've been there and done that on the sub side. Pain is definitely calming and centering for me. But that road leads to doing things just to hurt, which is bad. So overall, good in the moment, bad long term

Very good post Merlin. I can confirm what you are saying.

I once had a sub who has a childhood trauma caused by sexual abuse and violence. I'm not very sadistic and couldn't give her the pain she wanted. So I allowed her to play with others. She got into very extreme impact play, so hard that she was barely able to function during the day. I could feel that it wasn't good for her mental health. She realized that too but somehow she couldn't stop retraumatizing herself. It seemed that deep inside, her sexuality is linked to the abuse she experienced in childhood.

The question which popped up so many times in my head was "Is this BDSM? or is it self-harming". For me, it seemed she took advantage of sadists to satisfy her need for self-harming. One of the most important rules in BDSM is consent, but is it consensual if you are traumatized and your inner voice force you to do these things? I don't blame the other Doms who did this to her, how could they know?

In the end, we split up because I couldn't stand the emotional pain anymore.
Having experienced this firsthand makes me agree that masochism can't replace therapy. Generally, I advise staying away from BDSM if you are in a bad mental condition (sub or dom side). BDSM play can feel like a rush, similar to a drug rush, but we all know that drugs don't solve problems.

Dear all,

I quote on ALL THE LINE and with no exception, what Merlin expressed in very clear way, and confirm the doubt that wordsmith Max has: it could be not BDSM but some thing else and unsane/unhealthy.

I know some would not agree with the our point of view and will insist on having the last word in any case, using the distorted idea of freedom, to justify it, but I repeat, this instead of BDSM lean more on abuse, exactly like when a session is done out of control with one (or more) people not in mental condition to have contact with reality, becouse the use of external substances altering capability of judgdnent and perception.
BDSM shall not be used as a solution for deep traumatic esperience, be it phisicsl and/or psichological becouse may give illusion to feel better, while instead it only hide the real problem, while the hole of damage in the soul bekomme larger.

For years in fact, on the other side, we must remember how BDSM practices themself were considered as sign of perverse mind and/or mental illness of relevant level, (untill 40/50 year ago?)
Lucky, now the view is different, we all know how scientific world, psichologists and sexuologists changed theyr opinion and now the discussion and perception about BDSM is on very different terms, if there are certain conditions.


Last, i not complete agree on the idea of Max, where in the situation he described, he told other Doms are not to be blamed because “how could they know”
I explain my opinion:
Yes, if was occasional play and superficial knowledge of the sub by the Dom.
No, if was more structured relationship, becouse sensibility and empathy are key qualities of any good Dom/Domina, and they should have percepted she was not in good conditions with herself, exactly like Max has done himself, deciding to stop.


Thank at everybody for the space allowed, and to plucky to express this very deep and relevant question about BDSM.
To plucky go my friendly hugs (virtually of course) and I recognize her the merit to create threads that deep dig into the root of important questions, be introspective or psichological while offering possibility (to who is really expert) to mentor and educate who is neophyte and offer the help and support gained with the experience of practice in real life for years and years.

Miss Sabina

i feel like pain has always been a way people deal with emotions for some people that could resault in self harm which is frowned upon but instead of self harm bdsm can allow others to harm you and alot of people just see it as kinky.

if i cut my self its unhealthy ways to deal with things if i get into blood play with a Dom it can just be seen as extreme kink and you get less people telling you your wrong.

Good point picaboo, maybe this deviate a bit from initial topic opened by pluky, but I like to express opinion on this.

It is controversial and opinions may contrast on this.

What I feel to say is, maybe self harm could be percepted negatively, becouse self infliction, and could be like a selfish act, when instead, if in context of BDSM session, is more about the dinamics of submission (it imply trust in some one else) willing to satisfy the sadic desire of the Dom, way to test herself to endure pain in the need to please someone else, and more in general with the power exchange basical dynamics?

Still, as I wrote is controversial, because could be also the sub to “use” the Dom, for self harm trough another person, as Max written some post above, bringing it back at the potential dangerous situation he described, for the psichological stability of the sub.

For this reason, I feel to say, the key qualities of every Dom person (or role during play) is empathy and connection with the sub, and to understand the deep feelings so it is sane and satisfactory for both, not only selfish satisfaction of one only person.

Personally, when I Domme, I feel I am at service of my sub, even if sadistical I becomme on her.
And for this, not only is needed the negotiation and the consensuality, but the mind peacefulness and stability, so is better to avoid any session, if any feeling of anger, frustration toward outer world, or bad emotions are present, or they can risk to be reflected on the sub partner during the play session.

Hopefully, I convey my opinion on this delicate and controversial theme.

Miss Sabina

Hello,
I see a nice discussion and interesting discussion (thanks Sabina for forwarding the link to me).

I can only agree with the underlying thought: BDSM cannot be the cure for deep discomfort. It can be a momentary relief if used briefly and without major impact on the psyche and body. But the deep pain and discomfort must be faced elsewhere, examining its nature and finding a path to overcome it or at least live with it knowing why it exists.

I consider the position of the Dom important, who must be able to understand where the game and the pleasure ends and where the search for a fake cure for a deep pain begins, especially keeping the diver safe.
A similar situation applies to the sub: understanding when the Dom seeks abuse rather than controlled sadism.

We are speaking about important sessions, where it is good to talk to each other first, to understand what you intend to live and experience. Also important, a good aftercare where both parties can perceive what and why some emotions have been felt.


Mark

Greetings.

BDSM practices are considered by some of the paraphilias (Paraphilias, formerly known as sexual perversions, are sexual disorders, characterized by the presence of recurring and atypical sexual fantasies and desires that may concern: inanimate objects, suffering or self-humiliation. themselves or others, children or other non-consenting persons).

In this context, however, we are talking about relationships between adults and consenting ones, however ...
Where does consensus end?
How do we view BDSM? If we put it under the playful category, that is, as a game (and that in my humble opinion it must be), we shouldn't worry too much.

We have to worry a lot when it becomes addictive. When it becomes a morbid bond and turns into an executioner and victim relationship.
Where the executioner is in keeping with his predominant position and takes advantage of it. Attention in this context who is submissive (becomes a victim) and that is he puts his life literally in the hands of the other and the other even if he were the most upright person in the world, when he has the power to decide on the life of others in his hands, we know how it ends.

As always, the means and the end are ourselves, with our decisions and our actions, it is we who decide where to place the next limit.

With love M.S.

My point would be: Yes, I can imagine doing that. Done once or twice for some strong emotions, it's probably fine, similar to it being fine drinking out of stuff that way. Though one has to be careful and seek professional mental care if the urges don't fade away, as it could be a quick path to both emotional drain and/or addiction. (Yes, you can get addicted to pain and hurting and really ruin your life!)

So like anything else: It's a usable tool, but dosage has to be very careful and limited!

Hello, I’m in to discover the bdsm world, I hope I can find someone to introduce me to all that.. I’d like to be the submissive one of the relationship :)

Yes, definitely. It is a stress outlet. Worth knowing I'm a sub, and always on the receiving end. Several dom have been distressed of my eagerness on very stressful days.

EDIT: Also worth knowing I meant work-related stress & boredom. I do not mean actual stress from actual traumas and such.

Maybe, BDSM is like alcohol.

I drink, when the situation is fun, when I am in a good mood, to get an even better mood. To enjoy the evening and the moment. Of course I could enjoy the moment without alcohol, but alcohol is a mood amplificator.

I wouldn't drink when I feel bad, to make me feel better. Or to numb me. I would not take drugs to distract me, but find other ways to deal with my problems.

Maybe BDSM is like alcohol. Use it to get more from life. To enjoy it from its full extend. But do not (ab)use it to flee from your problems. Somewhen you have to face them anyways.

On the other hand, a quite restraining and painful session gives me the feeling of freedom afterwards, and makes me feel quite good.