Help and advice please
 

Hey,

I am looking for some advice from you guys and hopefully people will both understand my situation and give me some advice.

So im 27, I have been involved with some dom/sub relations in the past, however nothing anything meaningful some years, not because I had gone off it but because the sub i was seeing moved to the states for uni. During this time, i attended some clubs but not as regular as I would have liked. Anyway, I met a girl and we started talking, but ultimately she ended up pregnant.

So, it was an unplanned pregnancy, tried to make it work, i supported her fully, financially, emotionally, but we were not meant to be together, I broke it off as it was becoming very toxic and violent.

So we had (key part here) a kid. I was having to juggle full time employment and looking after my kid. My head was all over the place, I was not interested in sex or even any sort of light flirty behaviour or even checking people out I was up my own arse. So, fast forward nearly a year and all of a sudden i felt the urge and desire come back so I put up a "looking for" ad.

Ultimately, started talking to this awesome chick, talked for around a year, tried to meet up a few times but unfortunately due to my work and caring commitments and her studies that didnt happen until a year after we started to talk.

She has been in many dom/sub relationships, and is very experienced in both d/s in the bedroom and most recently her entire life.

We met obviously on the basis of the advert, so there was obviously some expecation for her from the get go. Anyways, we met and had an amazing day, didn't do anything sexual, we just chilled, hung out, chatted and smoked a joint. My confusiion as this was the first time I had felt such a strong bond and desire to be with someone. I think this shook me further.

So we met up in August, continued to meet up when we could and ended up having the best sex I had had in years and years, it was nothing kinky, very vanilla.

For whatever reason, at that time, i did not feel comfortable just jumping in again. I honestly cannot explain why i was feeling that way towards her, why I was doubting myself, I had found something perfect, ideal parter/long term prospect and we are both into kinky stuff! AWESOME! But for some reason I had a block on.

I tried to explain the reasons but to no avail, she then got jealous of pictures of my previous subs, asking my why i was able to do it when them and not with her, she started to blame her self, doubt her self, not what i wanted to do, but I could not explain where my head was.

We continued to meet, hooked up but sex was vanilla and entirely my fault, she was pressing and interested, as was I, but when it came down to it i bottled it.

We started dating, in around September/October time, so only a few months after we met. I just put it down to us being new together and my lack of confidence at the time.

Fast forward to Jan 2018. My child passed away in hospital. I was in over christmas and new year. I cannot even begin to tell you where my mind was at that time. I was a complete and utter mess, lost a lot of weight, stopped eating, stopped sleeping, started smoking, just a total cluster fuck. I had even considered taking my own life.

My partner was back home over this time and only got back after he had passed. We were talking daily for hours and hours, but It was about the situation, how we were feeling etc.

I was very much alone at the hospital apart from my kids mom. The only time I was not alone was when at his bedside.

He passed, i needed comforting, i needed to be with the person i loved. When she got back we met up. During the time at the hospital i obviously was not interested in anything else apart from my son, no desires nothing, so I was surprised when we met, i wanted to fuck her, we did, but again it was vanilla.

The next few months Jan - mid July my mind was all over the place, i was doubting myself in every single thing i did, i blamed myself for my kid, i blamed myself for "leading this perfect girl on" (in her eyes anyway), i was questionning every single stupid thing i have ever done.

It was, tough, even writing this now, bringing it all back up is difficult, im shaking and sweating a little and im naked in bed!

It was only 1/2 weeks ago that I had an epiphany. I sorted out my mind. My kink came back and now it is all im thinking about.

I have had a big talk with my partner / sub and she feels she is at the last chance saloon, she feels tricked and confused. I have tried to let her know where i'm coming from but in her eyes and she is perfectly correct, if we are having sex, but not kinky sex then maybe he isnt into it.

All i am thinking about now is what i want to do with her and i have told her this but in her eyes, it means nothing until I do anything, which i get, completely.

She is not with me just now but will see her next week, and I said we would do something.

Basically what i'm worried about is that this has gone too far and is ireparable.

I love her, I see myself with her in my life and in my kink play but I majorly fucked up and now i'm in a very procarious situation.

I started this off with a question and a goal in mind but i have lost my track...

Just read and comment ok guys, I am needing some help.

Listen, you have had a lot on your mind and esp. with the loss of your son (my deepest condolences). If you are feeling it now then put away all fears and regrets and when you are with her let out your inner Dom, and do all those things you are both wanting to do. Show her that you are now ready and will take on that role and be her Dom. Remind her that the best are those who will wait for it. Good luck and know that you always have people here to talk to. If you ever want to talk about this or any other subject feel free to PM me and we can talk there or exchange information to talk however we need to. Best of luck to you and go get her. Be the Dom.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

If you explain all of this to her, if she can't understand why you weren't in the right head space, maybe you just aren't a good pairing. Be open and honest about all the emotions you went/are going through. Don't be afraid of being emotionally vulnerable with her for a bit. Again, if she can't understand that, she may not be the perfect girl.

First of all, I'm sorry for your lost. No parent should ever have to bury there own child.

Now here is my advice. You need Professional HELP. You need to screw your head back on correctly after that lost. Once your head is back on, then you can worry about the girl. But go get help. You can't offer anything to anyone, until your ok.

I'm terribly sorry to hear about the loss of your son. That is an awful tragedy and I wouldn't wish that fate upon any parent.

The only advice I can give you is to surround yourself with male friends who will support you and make you feel less alone in this rough time. Female friends are valuable too but other men will understand and relate to your situation much better. Plus, you most likely will feel a lot less self conscious about admitting your personal issues to other men than women.

Find a male role model in your life who has been through hard times and ask him for advice in these types of situations. Ask him how he got through it. Only then will you be able to find the kind of wisdom you seek. It needs to be a face to face real life conversation. You won't find that kind of guidance/support/inspiration you need right now on an online forum...or even with a psychologist for that matter. It needs to be REAL and PERSONAL for it to truly resonate with you.

I wish you the best of luck in piecing your life back together. Again, sorry about your tragic loss.

Sincerely,

Thank You All
 

Hey guys,

been offline for a few days but just wanted to say thanks for taking the time to read through and reply, much appreciated.

x

Losing a child is horrible. Don't feel guilty for that knocking you off balance a bit. It fucks up any normal human parent.

Your sub sounds like she wanted to go in full throttle and is now building a wall because she sees you as being less committed than her, and she may be afraid of committing any further until she can see you're on the same page as her. It might help to go full on in your session with her after having a proper conversation in advance about where your head is at and finding out where hers is at.

First of all, I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you'll find your way to get pass it somehow. I know it's hard but during those hard times, try your best not to stay alone in your house. Find someone to talk to, even if it's just go online. There are many people that are willing to talk to you here. Or just simply talk to your friends in real life. Surround yourself with the people you feel comfortable with.

Regarding your situation with your current partner/sub. I understand the reason why she's doubted at the moment. Have you tried talking to her about your situation? If there is a deep connection between you two, I'm sure she'll understand. Do not blame yourself for anything! Kink is something that's really fun and it is a part of our kinksters' lives. However, life gets in the way. It is therefore absolutely understandable why you cannot express your kink desires during this time! I see that you're blaming yourself for not trying hard enough to get this girl, but if she feels the same way about you, she should be willing to be on your side and wait for you too! It is a mutual connection. Given this is the hardest time ever of your life, do not put anymore pressure on yourself. Talk to her about your issues. Explain it to her the reason why. Building a relationship and trust doesn't just rely on shared kinky interests, it is not just about a good kinky sex. Do not be so hard on yourself. Let her be by your side vanilla-ly to help you through this. If she's not willing to do it and be so impatient for you, it is so not your fault. Care for your own wellness first!