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Lost siblings

Posted 09-27-2021 at 08:52 AM by CSasha

Visiting my brother who had a stroke, I have some time to reflect on my mental health issues - burdens on my soul.

I could write at length about family constellation as a kind of shock therapy - short and intense, but if it's something for you'll find to it anyway. So I'll keep it short that it's a way I find good for me for two reasons: I struggle to commit to any ongoing long-term processes like a therapy with a therapatist over months and years with weekly sessions - and still consider to start one occasionally anyway. First, family constellation can be an evening or a weekend. I had opportunities have a session with one or two days notice, and even longer once only require to schedule several weeks ahead. Second, I am quite a logical thinker but I lack access and getting along with my emotions. Family constellation works via emotions. The coaches can still explain, often being trained as skilled therapists themselves, but the most magic and resolve happens via so called 'resonance' and feeling through it, from the troubled current state to a possible resolved state of final relief.

Since I couldn't attend further family constellations in a group, and have my trouble to decide for a one on one session, I at least made a list of my topics. Basically, you can attend a family constellation and just watch. You might be asked to be a representative for someone or something and help to relief another persons trouble by following simple orders and feel (everyone can do it), and you can always reject that request. Or, and that is the biggest part, you can be at the center of a session. For that, you have to bring a problem, trouble, bad feeling, or a wish what should change or how you want something to be for the better. It's always restricted to your own trouble. You cannot heal others by going to therapy for them. But besides that, it can be anything: a physical problem, career issues, family, fucking feelings, anything.

My list starts with my lost siblings. You might have heard about it, or not. Backed up by science, we now know that often enough, in around 20% of all pregnancies, twins start to grow in the womb. But in most cases, roughly 19% of those 20%, only one of them is born. The unborn twin is often absorbed by the body, probably to increase the chance for life at all. Since we humans can be quite aware of our sensations around us early on, even in the womb, that can be traumatic. And most often you wouldn't even know about, since either it's undetected, or doctors don't want to shock the parents with something like a remaining finger from the unborn twin.

Regarding family constellations, an unborn twin sometimes pops up as an explanation for unexplained trouble and behavior like buying everything twice. Family constellation isn't about finding out real facts but asks the participants if something feels right or wrong, and then just go with it.

So, in one family constellation I had an unborn twin pop up, and it felt correct. It resonated. The coach had me depart from the unborn twin, have it guide to where it belongs, to the world of the undead, out of the living, and that could have been it. It also explained some irritation in the family constellation. But, when I did a family constellation on my own, another 'twin' popped up, making it lost triplets. In hindsight, it explains other family constellation irritations I had. And it totally feels right.

Now I want to make sure, it's not something else, and of course, in any case, resolve that part of my trouble. Depart from both my lost triplets, let them go, and live my life.

You might call that crazy but I can only state how I feel about it. It feels right. It feels as sad as I feel as long as I remember. Losing two siblings I was as closest as you can be to anyone - side on side, and probably in narrow space, in the mother's womb, hearing and maybe feeling each others heartbeat.
And at the same time I am able to cry about it, crying as an ability I learned to appreciate and embrace, it also feels relieving and makes me feel better.

While crying, I also see it this way: I had the most close connection to two other, lovely beings, my lost siblings, as close as one could ever have. There's no need to look for that again. I already had it. And it feels wonderful. It might even get to feel greater than the pain of having lost them, being left alone, feeling guilty about being the one of us who survived. As I said, it explains a lot. And I see great potential for me, for being happy and living an even more fulfilled life once I make my feelings right about it.

Until then, I still dissociate and have trouble remaining connections, and feeling intensively bond to friends, family, and my husband.

Thanks for reading. Thank you for the inspiration to write it down. It already feels relieving.
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