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My First Mistrust

Posted 12-17-2017 at 06:53 PM by PrincessJessica

As part of a new, and temporary rule, I've effectively got to blog about something I'm uncomfortable talking about for the next 3 days...this time it's my first, and only, mistress

When I entered the "kink universe" I never really expected to want a Mistress or Master, the thought of giving up potentially control of your life to the same person either near permanently or even for an hour or 2 in a session didn't really appeal. How would it not get repetitive and stay fresh? Could I really give up control of myself like that? After a while of playing with various one-off / short-term relationships, I began to see my logic was all backwards. The repetitive part was actually the initial contact with strangers; figuring out possibilities within limits and communication patterns, the actual possibilities for tasks near infinite as I began to explore kinks further and further. The trust and knowledge that builds up over time is just the most efficient way to play & explore.

So my hunt was on. At that time, and to a lesser degree now, I wanted a female dom. I've never been strongly straight (why arbitrarily rule out half the world's population) but I do find speaking to females easier, particularly about things to do with emotions and am more physically attracted to the opposite sex. After a few months of looking (mainly on chat sites, I could have saved myself hours stumbling on a site like this) I found my perfect, or so I thought, match. She was a little younger, knew what she wanted and was able to gently push me into that fun uncertainty area where all the fun happens exploring new kinks without me ever feeling forced as such. If I rejected a task for sensible reasons she'd accept that, but if it was just an uncomfortable feeling she knew what buttons to press to make me go further.

In around 3-6 short months I'd explored more kinks than I had in total up to that point, and far more than I ever thought would interest me. This was probably the first time I found that humiliation and pain turned me on so much. It was also the time of plenty more firsts...
- My first CBT session which consisted of 100+ hard spanks to my balls, to the point I remember my eyes watering by the end. That had only started out at 10 before she gleefully continued to up the ante. I remember protesting about it beforehand (and plenty of times during ) but I still obediently continued to hit them until I was eventually allowed to stop when it was clearly too much.
- My first time doing ass to mouth, I'd never even done anal before meeting her and then ended up going one stage further. I remember being made to get on my knees and suck my little highlighter (which remains about the best butt plug alternative I have still...that poor highlighter ) and physically trembling at the thought. My little hand shaking putting it in my mouth to obediently sucking and licking it clean.
- My first and only time doing pee play on cam, soaking my clothes through before putting them on for her. It felt so degrading and was way outside my comfort zone, yet I remember sitting there so turned on by it and so embarrassed (and slightly confused; why is this a turn on!?)

It was exhilarating to explore and learn so much about my kinks, but my naivety eventually began to show. I entirely trusted my Mistress to decide what was safe/within my limits which was naive in the extreme, she was even younger than me and only a little bit more experienced. The pee play was a prime example of where a little more knowledge could have saved me the worse side effects (at least for the first time doing it). I was a little dehydrated so my pee stank! (I've since learned drinking lots beforehand is highly recommended) It was enough to make me nauseous and I even ended up binning my top, such was the unbearable smell that just wouldn't diminish. And then, after 3 months of playing and exploring she dropped the bombshell..."O, I've recorded some of your shows and uploaded online".

It was at this point I realised a whole host of mistakes I'd made: I'd shown my face without ever really seeing her (the odd picture here or there at most); I'd shared my first name and all kinds of personal info about myself without ever feeling like I got something similar back. I expected the relationship to be asymmetric but it was only at this point that I realised I'd probably been too trusting. She then also dropped another bombshell around the same time that she was basically bored of me but her boyfriend had seen some of the recordings and loved them so I was now his.

Alarm bells rang, had I really been talking to her all along or was this just a guy with an imagination all along? Was (s)he going to start blackmailing me? Either way, my trust was obliterated and I rather messily ended the relationship. Even with the, perhaps imagined, risk of possible full exposure there was simply no way I could continue. My naivety had allowed me to push into kinks I never expected to explore, before biting me in the bum when I realised I'd been a little over-trusting.

Nearly a decade later (ye, it's fair to say I took it badly ) I've only just thought about opening myself up again to a similar relationship, albeit with some harsh lessons learned. There's nothing more exciting than opening yourself up to be controlled by someone but that trust element is essential. It's not necessarily the best idea to blindly trust a dom because that's my pre-conceived idea of how the dynamic work but to build up trust of one another. I hope I can retain that obedience but couple it with a more symmetric trust balance into my next (hopefully) long-term relationship. Consent, trust and communication are simply essential.
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    Butterfly's Avatar
    That was a really hard lesson to learn, and I am glad that it turned out ok in the end.

    Trust is SO important, and it is hard, especially when in an online relationship. You really have to be careful with who you trust, and how. You make a very good point about summetric trust.

    Good luck as you continue to explore.
    Posted 12-17-2017 at 09:12 PM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Pariahterror's Avatar
    Thank you for sharing another part of you. I can feel these parts are parts cose to your heart.

    I don't have any experience in any relationship. But after what I read, this would also let me seek the protection of my shell for a long time.

    And thank you for sharing a part of you again.
    Posted 12-18-2017 at 01:26 AM by Pariahterror Pariahterror is offline
  3. Old Comment
    sir sam's Avatar
    WoW... pfew... horryfying.
    I must say that i’m kind of amazed that the abuse started after such a long time. I would think someone with an abusive intend to have less patience.

    It’s true that symmetry in revealing privacy is a must. If that does not happen it’s a real red flag.

    Still, breaking completely at first indication is the best thing you did. There is no “going back” on the internet. What’s out cannot gotten back. So accepting the damage and just bluntly stopping is the best one can do. It also shows strength. It shows one is not just a helpless victim but potentially biting back.
    Posted 12-18-2017 at 10:58 AM by sir sam sir sam is offline
  4. Old Comment
    Butterfly's Avatar
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by sir sam View Comment
    WoW... pfew... horryfying.
    I must say that i’m kind of amazed that the abuse started after such a long time. I would think someone with an abusive intend to have less patience.

    It’s true that symmetry in revealing privacy is a must. If that does not happen it’s a real red flag.

    Still, breaking completely at first indication is the best thing you did. There is no “going back” on the internet. What’s out cannot gotten back. So accepting the damage and just bluntly stopping is the best one can do. It also shows strength. It shows one is not just a helpless victim but potentially biting back.
    I suspect that "she" was posting the videos and photos all along and just chose to share it at that time. It would really surprise me if it wasn't happening all along.
    Posted 12-18-2017 at 11:13 AM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline
  5. Old Comment
    PrincessJessica's Avatar
    Thanks all for the kind words.

    Yes, she admitted recording throughout the months and sharing with at least her boyfriend, at best (although perhaps friends too for all I know, clearly morals weren't a big consideration). She sent me one of the links and it was fortunately(ish) on a file-sharing site rather than a video one so less likely to be widely viewed (well that particular video at least). I couldn't really trust what she was saying though, especially coupled the whole bizarre moving me onto her boyfriend business at the same time.

    I was paranoid about it for months after but, TBH, I think (or naively hope) I got away without major non-consensual exposure. Over the years I've gotten more used to exhibitionism type of things but it was far too much at that time and would still need to be consesual.
    Posted 12-18-2017 at 11:37 AM by PrincessJessica PrincessJessica is offline
 

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