A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
My journey with gags
Posted 02-20-2023 at 07:01 PM by Butterfly
Gags turn me on so much. It is just another loss of control. When I watch porn, I love seeing different types of gags being used.
However, I have had gags listed in my limits for a long time. This is for a few reasons:
I have wanted to find the right person to explore this with. I have had a few Dom's come into my life and try, but it hasn't worked.
I had written a blog previously about why I am turned on by gags, why they are difficult for me and a couple different small steps or solutions to my barriers for using gags. I share this with any potential partner who wants to take this step with me. I have been in search of somebody who is going to listen, who will go slow, who I can build trust with. Up to this point I haven't found that person. One partner even further traumatized me:
We had a play session (including aftercare) and I was all ready to leave and drive home. He chose that moment to take the gag that I had he requested that I carry around and he forced it in my mouth. He held the straps tightly behind my head and held it tightly in my mouth until I stopped kicking and screaming, tears coming down my face. I may not be a small woman, but I am only 5'2 (and a half) and this man was 6'7 and close to 400 lbs. Resisting was futile. When I had gone limp he released me, put the gag in my pocket and then led me to the hall and said goodbye. I cried in my car before I had to drive 50 minutes home alone.
All that being said, gags are hard for me! Yet, I just never lost the drive to explore them.
When I met Sleepysloth six months ago, I told him that gags were a BIG thing on my list to explore. He read my blog, we talked about it a lot and then he slowly started to use some of the tactics that I have written about to help me explore. We did a lot of work with the idea/theme of gags while I was being teased/pleasured before we even touched a real gag. He also started me with just holding my tongue out on my own accord and then we transitioned to using a clothespin on my tongue, causing drool, and making me speak with it on.
As we got closer to using a gag, he had me hold it during play time, or keep it in my sight/reach while I was just doing things around the house. There were so many steps to help me get comfortable with the idea of using a gag. Still, the first time he had me put a gag in my mouth, I panicked. My breathing sped up, my heart was beating out of my chest and I think I lasted 5 seconds. He was so patient with me. He allowed me to take it out, calm down, and then we tried again. His words were so reassuring and calming. It was a slow process.
Using one together in person was even harder! Knowing he was there to see me was terrifying. But his presence beside me, the aftercare, it was all so amazing.
Six months later, I can proudly say that we have tried 4 different gags together. I no longer panic when I am told to put it in my mouth (though I do still pout and say "I don't want to"), and I have kept a gag in for over 10 minutes. I have spoken a lot with a clothespin on my tongue, and have learned that swallowing is not allowed. I have sat in my own drool many times (and didn't die!).
I know I still have a long way to go. There are many additional steps for us to take, but I am excited to continue this journey. Sleepysloth makes me feel so safe and I trust him to guide me in this journey.
In less than two weeks I am going to be spending time in person again with him. Our goals for our time together (3 whole weeks) are:
Each of these goals will have multiple steps in order to make them happen, but I am grateful that I have found somebody who is patient enough (while still being firm enough) with me to take the time/steps to accomplish these goals. And excited (but also terrified) to see where this journey leads.
However, I have had gags listed in my limits for a long time. This is for a few reasons:
- I am claustrophobic
- I don't like drool/being messy
- It feels humiliating (makes me look and sound funny).
I have wanted to find the right person to explore this with. I have had a few Dom's come into my life and try, but it hasn't worked.
I had written a blog previously about why I am turned on by gags, why they are difficult for me and a couple different small steps or solutions to my barriers for using gags. I share this with any potential partner who wants to take this step with me. I have been in search of somebody who is going to listen, who will go slow, who I can build trust with. Up to this point I haven't found that person. One partner even further traumatized me:
We had a play session (including aftercare) and I was all ready to leave and drive home. He chose that moment to take the gag that I had he requested that I carry around and he forced it in my mouth. He held the straps tightly behind my head and held it tightly in my mouth until I stopped kicking and screaming, tears coming down my face. I may not be a small woman, but I am only 5'2 (and a half) and this man was 6'7 and close to 400 lbs. Resisting was futile. When I had gone limp he released me, put the gag in my pocket and then led me to the hall and said goodbye. I cried in my car before I had to drive 50 minutes home alone.
All that being said, gags are hard for me! Yet, I just never lost the drive to explore them.
When I met Sleepysloth six months ago, I told him that gags were a BIG thing on my list to explore. He read my blog, we talked about it a lot and then he slowly started to use some of the tactics that I have written about to help me explore. We did a lot of work with the idea/theme of gags while I was being teased/pleasured before we even touched a real gag. He also started me with just holding my tongue out on my own accord and then we transitioned to using a clothespin on my tongue, causing drool, and making me speak with it on.
As we got closer to using a gag, he had me hold it during play time, or keep it in my sight/reach while I was just doing things around the house. There were so many steps to help me get comfortable with the idea of using a gag. Still, the first time he had me put a gag in my mouth, I panicked. My breathing sped up, my heart was beating out of my chest and I think I lasted 5 seconds. He was so patient with me. He allowed me to take it out, calm down, and then we tried again. His words were so reassuring and calming. It was a slow process.
Using one together in person was even harder! Knowing he was there to see me was terrifying. But his presence beside me, the aftercare, it was all so amazing.
Six months later, I can proudly say that we have tried 4 different gags together. I no longer panic when I am told to put it in my mouth (though I do still pout and say "I don't want to"), and I have kept a gag in for over 10 minutes. I have spoken a lot with a clothespin on my tongue, and have learned that swallowing is not allowed. I have sat in my own drool many times (and didn't die!).
I know I still have a long way to go. There are many additional steps for us to take, but I am excited to continue this journey. Sleepysloth makes me feel so safe and I trust him to guide me in this journey.
In less than two weeks I am going to be spending time in person again with him. Our goals for our time together (3 whole weeks) are:
- to try a larger spider gag together
- to give a blowjob with the spider gag on
- to wear the ball gag around the house while doing normal things
- to fill a cup with drool
- to attach the strap behind my head while using the gag
Each of these goals will have multiple steps in order to make them happen, but I am grateful that I have found somebody who is patient enough (while still being firm enough) with me to take the time/steps to accomplish these goals. And excited (but also terrified) to see where this journey leads.
Total Comments 8
Comments
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I assume you never played with that person again ? Is there no way to use a safe word in the gagged situation ?Posted 02-20-2023 at 08:14 PM by pluky 
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No, I never played with him again ever. I was too intimidated and shocked to use a safeword, even if I could. I was panicking and he was SO much bigger than me. I was terrified. Unfortunately fight flight or freeze kicked in and it was freeze for me at that time.Quote:Originally Posted by pluky
I assume you never played with that person again ? Is there no way to use a safe word in the gagged situation ?
Also we had never discussed using the gag. It was still firmly planted in my limits at that time. So we never discussed a non-verbal safeword.Posted 02-20-2023 at 08:35 PM by Butterfly
Updated 02-20-2023 at 08:37 PM by Butterfly -
What happens in a top's mind when they suddenly decide to surprise you with a limit ? Do they go from dom to abuser ? Was the blog about gags already posted and maybe inspired him to try something (stupid) he thought would work ?
Posted 02-20-2023 at 08:49 PM by pluky
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I have no idea, but reflecting on it after with other kinky friends, I realized that it did cross into abuse. This was a man from my local kink community, we had discussed many items from my blog but he knew how big of a deal it was, and that we would need to have a discussion before we did anything.Quote:Originally Posted by pluky
What happens in a top's mind when they suddenly decide to surprise you with a limit ? Do they go from dom to abuser ? Was the blog about gags already posted and maybe inspired him to try something (stupid) he thought would work ?
Posted 02-20-2023 at 08:57 PM by Butterfly
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I'm so happy you are able to trust me enough to help you on this journey together. I have enjoyed being there for you and helping you grow past things you couldn't do before.
Surprising someone is fun, especially your Sub. Surprising someone with something you have never talked about is not. Anyone who ever plays with me will know I will try everything I plan to use on a Sub before hand on myself. New shock device? I shocked my balls with it first. New collar? I put it on first. Nipple clamps? Put those bad boys on. Not only do you need to experience what you are going to put someone through but you also need to listen. Do I have a higher pain tolerance? Is there something about this my sub will find frightening that doesn't phase me? Being a Dom is so much more then being in control. Your Sub is lending you their control so you can play with it and torture them within their limits. Pushing limits if properly discussed and in a good environment is fine but what that person did is so far from fine.
I love you my Butterfly <3
P.s The spider gag isn't that large... :PPosted 02-20-2023 at 10:56 PM by SleepySloth
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Butterfly, what a great post. Really awful to hear your previous traumatic experience. Not sure how any sane-minded person could feel comfortable doing that to another human whilst they reacted the way you did. I really am happy you've found someone that identified your wish to use gags but is approaching it in such a patient and reassuring way with you.
made me chuckle but this is so right!!Quote:Originally Posted by SleepySloth
New shock device? I shocked my balls with it first
In the past I have placed something in their hand (usually a rubber band ball) and if they need to "Amber" they will drop it out of their hand and if they need to "Red" they will launch it.Quote:Originally Posted by pluky
Is there no way to use a safe word in the gagged situation ?Posted 02-21-2023 at 05:16 AM by DeepInnerFreak
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Very nice and interesting blog, really sorry for your bad experience, this kind of things really suck but I'm glad it didn't stop you from trying again with someone else and I'm happy for you that you finally find someone and that it's working, congratz and good luck for your further steps
.Posted 02-21-2023 at 06:20 AM by Andrew 25:17
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That episode with the guy forcing it on you is terrible.
I think you are very brave of trying it again and I'm so happy that you found someone who you can do that safely with.Posted 02-25-2023 at 02:58 AM by Jaro
