A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
Little d/Big S
Posted 02-24-2023 at 11:41 AM by Butterfly
A lot of times when we are writing/reading about Dom/sub relationships, we will see that a big D and a little s (D/s) are used. Some people put a lot of merit into the protocol of using capital letters for D types and small letters for s types. That is totally ok. I will admit that I usually err on the side of grammar. Proper spelling, grammar and punctuation are turn ons for me (or at least making the effort to do so).
Anyways ... the point is, the reason that the D is usually capitalized is both because of respect and as a symbol that the D is in charge in that relationship. That is what power exchange is ... an unbalance of power. However, I am here to present a different position.
(I am going to preface this by saying that I believe that both partners in any relationship are actually equals, at least outside of the dynamic. We are humans first, partners second, and kink comes after that)
The submissive is truly the one in charge.
Submissive's give up control to their Dom. They do so willingly and by their own free choice. That gives Dom's the illusion of having the control. However, a dom can only have the control that a sub gives them. A sub can give up control of their clothing, their sexual experiences, their food choices, etc. There are many things in a sub's life that can be controlled. Before control is given, negotiations should take place. This may result in going through your likes/dislikes/limits, or maybe setting rules. Both of these are examples of the Sub setting boundaries as to what the dom can control.
A Submissive also has the right and the ability to take that power back at any time. This can be as simple as using one word; a safeword. One single word out of a submissives mouth and everything immediately stops! How powerful is that! If a safeword hasn't been established, then just saying "No" should stop everything. A submissive needs to consent to be controlled, or to be touched. (Note: consent really goes both ways, both parties need to consent in order for anything to happen.)
That being said, it is important to remember that a sub can also completely end a relationship at any point. Sometimes a Dom might talk about a "trial" for a set amount of time, or you may engage in a contract, or maybe you just promise that you won't walk away. This can feel intimidating and binding. But none of those things are binding. A sub always has free will and can give and retract their consent freely. If you want to end a relationship, you have the power to do so.
A Dom cannot Dom/take control without a Sub giving up that power, offering it to them. They may be dominant, but they are not *A Dom* until a sub willingly submits to them. You, as the sub, give them their power.
This may make sense to a lot of people, especially those that are experienced in BDSM, D/s and kink, but I think it is something that can be easily forgotten. Especially when somebody is new and exploring and they are talking to a Dom. It is easy to believe that you have no power, that you are lesser as a sub, but you aren't! You are powerful! You have control!
Take the time to negotiate, speak your voice, control the pace of the relationship.
Anyways ... the point is, the reason that the D is usually capitalized is both because of respect and as a symbol that the D is in charge in that relationship. That is what power exchange is ... an unbalance of power. However, I am here to present a different position.
(I am going to preface this by saying that I believe that both partners in any relationship are actually equals, at least outside of the dynamic. We are humans first, partners second, and kink comes after that)
The submissive is truly the one in charge.
Submissive's give up control to their Dom. They do so willingly and by their own free choice. That gives Dom's the illusion of having the control. However, a dom can only have the control that a sub gives them. A sub can give up control of their clothing, their sexual experiences, their food choices, etc. There are many things in a sub's life that can be controlled. Before control is given, negotiations should take place. This may result in going through your likes/dislikes/limits, or maybe setting rules. Both of these are examples of the Sub setting boundaries as to what the dom can control.
A Submissive also has the right and the ability to take that power back at any time. This can be as simple as using one word; a safeword. One single word out of a submissives mouth and everything immediately stops! How powerful is that! If a safeword hasn't been established, then just saying "No" should stop everything. A submissive needs to consent to be controlled, or to be touched. (Note: consent really goes both ways, both parties need to consent in order for anything to happen.)
That being said, it is important to remember that a sub can also completely end a relationship at any point. Sometimes a Dom might talk about a "trial" for a set amount of time, or you may engage in a contract, or maybe you just promise that you won't walk away. This can feel intimidating and binding. But none of those things are binding. A sub always has free will and can give and retract their consent freely. If you want to end a relationship, you have the power to do so.
A Dom cannot Dom/take control without a Sub giving up that power, offering it to them. They may be dominant, but they are not *A Dom* until a sub willingly submits to them. You, as the sub, give them their power.
This may make sense to a lot of people, especially those that are experienced in BDSM, D/s and kink, but I think it is something that can be easily forgotten. Especially when somebody is new and exploring and they are talking to a Dom. It is easy to believe that you have no power, that you are lesser as a sub, but you aren't! You are powerful! You have control!
Take the time to negotiate, speak your voice, control the pace of the relationship.
Total Comments 2
Comments
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Wow, what an absolutely fantastic post! Every paragraph resonated strongly with how I feel about D/s relationships. Having negotiated several offline long-term TPE "slave contracts" in the past and "trials" that have sometimes gone on to long term arrangements, I wholeheartedly recommend the advice in this post to any sub (and Dom) looking to enter any form of power exchange dynamic even just a casual scene.
I know I will be referring people to this post in the future, especially anyone wondering why I consider safeword rules the most important ones to have in place right from the start of a relationship, and why I like to spend a fair bit of time in negotiation establishing limits and boundaries. So often subs have limits that are so fundamental to their thinking that they remain unstated because they are considered so "obvious".
Taking this approach has been the only way I've experienced success in forming a long term power-exchange relationship.Quote:We are humans first, partners second, and kink comes after that
Thank you for sharing this!Posted 02-24-2023 at 01:30 PM by Azyliux 
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I agree about safewords and I have written a few blogs about how important that I think they are, even in online relationships. If you ever want to read those, I am happy to share some links.Quote:Originally Posted by Eman X
Wow, what an absolutely fantastic post! Every paragraph resonated strongly with how I feel about D/s relationships. Having negotiated several offline long-term TPE "slave contracts" in the past and "trials" that have sometimes gone on to long term arrangements, I wholeheartedly recommend the advice in this post to any sub (and Dom) looking to enter any form of power exchange dynamic even just a casual scene.
I know I will be referring people to this post in the future, especially anyone wondering why I consider safeword rules the most important ones to have in place right from the start of a relationship, and why I like to spend a fair bit of time in negotiation establishing limits and boundaries. So often subs have limits that are so fundamental to their thinking that they remain unstated because they are considered so "obvious".Posted 02-24-2023 at 06:26 PM by Butterfly
