The way things go

So, there is a quote in my signature from the lyssen, jokingly saying I have a harem.

Well, it turned out that I ended up with exactly that. A slave and two subs.

Now, I'm neither poly, nor particularly greedy, so it may be best that I start with explaining why so many - even more so when you bear in mind that I'm not a Dominant by nature (as can be attested to in my first blog).

My first sub, lexidrake183, came about because she was looking to gain more discipline in life, particularly with regards to her homework. She listened, but to this day I am quite adamant that I was just a personification of her desire - she didn't want to d-word me, but the reality is that she didn't want to d-word herself and was projecting that thought onto me. As a result, I firmly believe it wasn't specifically me and the hard work was entirely hers. Maybe it helped that I listen and am HUGE on communication, but it was me that was the catalyst for her.
Anyways, she has since graduated and we have largely fallen out of contact. We were almost enitrely about that discipline factor and without schoolwork to have her keep reporting to me on progress, there was little call for her to come to me. There was a brief interlude to this quietude when she was looking for work, but has since got a job and on a few occasions spoken to me. It doesn't help I've been ill for the better part of the last few months.
I have tried to open a dialogue regarding us drifting apart, with the first one resulting in me making her angry and the second getting sidetracked by more pressing matters. Suffice to say, there doesn't seem to be a D/s here any more.

My second was a slave, oldDrunkWhore. It began as just a bit of play, maybe flirting (not that I know how to identify that... That's got me into trubl before, but landed me with lyssen as a friend...) and went from there. A trust was built and we moved to e-mails as well. I was helping her to enact her... difficult fantasies. Again, this was primarily as a service to her: don't get me wrong, I got some fun stuff happening too, but it was almost entirely about making her difficult to realise fantasies come true.
Around 2.5-3mths ago, she just suddenly stopped talking to me. No e-mails and nothing on gD. At first, I thought things had picked up and such and she was just too busy. Then I noticed she'd ben on gD and had been in chat etc. At one point, Darelovergirl informed me that oldDrunkWhore had been speaking to her and, well, the implication was such that I was no longer her Dominant. I gae it some time and tried e-mailing her once more to see how things were and to find out an explanation/what I'd done/not done (as I said, I am HUGE on communication). Again, nothing.
It was around this time I fell even more ill and spent nearly 6 weeks off of gD - not a little thing considering people were saying I was on chat so much I may as wll own the site etc. I popped back on and saw her in chat, briefly, with no response and she was online etc, so dropped her a polite PM trying to catch up - I have yet to see a response. Tonight, I saw her in chat again (this being about a month since I last logged in, last night not included) and dropped her a few whispers. I am now inclined to think I may be on her Ignore list - if not, she's just ignoring me. Either way, it kinda hurts to go from D/s to absolutely nothing, not knowing if she's "gone" without a word. I have left her a wall post saying it'd be nice to hear from her and left it there. I have no closure, but I would presume this has finished...

Lastly, MikoChan (some of you may have noticed I called her MikoPet for a while). On her blog it's documented how and when we began, so I shan't cover that here. Suffice to say, she was my third and a sub. I won't go into details, but my discussion starter regarding it was to help her - she later found this and strongly specified it was to be for both of us, but helping her made me happy and so that's what I did. I will admit that later it did be for me a bit as well, but that didn't change the dynamic - it was still she came to me and I was more a guidance and somewhat ethereal Dom to her. I wasn't subtle to people that I was enthralled with her as my MikoPet and sub and I was truly ecstatic that I made her happy (by her own admission and to her surprise).
Regardless, around the time that things went quiet on other fronts, MikoPet fell sick without my knowledge and was offline completely. I began to worry, naturally - despite her sexuality and my trying not to too much, I had become quite attached to her. Anyhow, after about 2 months, I finally spotted her on gD or was told or something and we got back in touch. She wasn't in prime condition and I asked if she was still interested. The response was along the lines of "calling me Miko is fine" - meaning we're just friends now. Unfortunately, this isn't complete closure either as I don't know if that's intended permanently or not. It feels like it might be, but I obviously hope otherwise. Ultimately, I couldn't give her what she needs anyway...

Suffice to say, I believe all three D/s' have ended. I have no closure on any of them. I am not a natural Dominant, but the loss is there. At a time where I don't really have the strength for additional loss. But they need what they need and my purpose has been outlived.
That, alas, is the way I live. It's been the case with literally every real life romantic relationship I've had. I usually end up going out with girls that lack confidence, but see me and somehow pluck up the courage to ask me out. I'm different and that can be novel for them. They either outgrow the novelty or their self-esteem increases (a combination of having a boyfriend and I made sure to discredit their silly notions of doubt and encourage their honestly good qualities). Either way, my use is outlived and they leave. I have never initiated, nor ended, a relationship myself. Of any kind, it seems.

Anyhow, I guess I was just trying to explain my current situation. I am unattached in any form to anyone at this moment. Maybe some of the feeling of need to write this arose from having been asked what my BDSM r'ship status is. Maybe part of it was to attempt to give myself some closure by stating in a public forum that they are ended. Maybe it was to relieve it from my mind. Regardless, it is there and it can be known.

I hope I haven't painted anyone in a bad light as that is not my intention at all...







But I am quite lonely.

(P.S. I have noticed that I am reacting poorly to shows of affection. It had previously been between gD members in D/s relationships. Then it was gD members joking as friends. It's expanded to nearly anything now - earlier, it was on The Big Bang Theory between Raj and bloody Siri... It was part of what was making me ill and part of why I disappeared from gD and have to force myself to log on now.

Reagrdless, don't think this is why I'm lonely or posting this. If it were, I'd be making an ad instead. I think my loneliness is causing these reactions, not t'other way around. I think that's everything now. Sorry to all those I'm reacting negatively to for this - it's not your fault and I want you to be happy, even if it causes me troubles.)