Switching...confusing but ultimately the best of both worlds

It's now 5:18am and I seem to have blog fever...hopefully this will be contagious haha

So Blogs are a great way to voice opinions, get your thoughts on paper...I mean forum paper and let people know what you are like...so I thought I would write about my experiences in role...

So...always best to start at the beginning...

When I was younger, I was rather shy, especially with the opposite sex, there were reasons I didn't feel confident about myself that I won't go into here, but needless to say if I liked a girl...I was in for a world of torment, I didn't know how to express myself...let alone these feelings and it made life very frustrating to say the least...but how does this relate to kink?

Well, this under confident me was very submissive, I longed for contact, any contact with a girl and I would reach out online in any way I could and also with being very inexperienced...I didn't really know how to act other than to be very respectful and accommodating...and I would do whatever was asked of me, asking for no reward in return.
I would be cheeky, I would tease but I always did my best never to be forceful or to do anything that wasn't wanted. I wanted to please girls as I thought they would like me if I did, this wasn't always sexual of course, I would tell them anything they wanted to know, review anything they had written with detailed feedback, I would show as much as an interest as I could in them and shower them with praise and affection, anything to help them feel better about themselves or to instil confidence.

Moving forward, and when life began drifting into work and post school life, I made some really good friends, they would introduce me to new things, take me out drinking, but most importantly accept me for who I was, even if our interests were quite different, they helped me to feel like I belonged somewhere and they helped me gain the confidence I had needed.
This was further developed by joining drama and forcing myself up on to the stage...the drama society itself was another great place to make friends, become popular and gain even more confidence...

However...despite all of this...I was still useless with women, had no experience, didn't know how to ask a girl out, how to show her I liked her without looking awkward and probably creepy, I feared rejection like nothing else and I was still very submissive with women.

After finding some chance encounters, kissing in clubs, random flings resulting from drunkeness and eventually finding a play partner and doing a series of dates...ultimately reaching a proper relationship things started to change, not only feeling confident now...I also felt less submissive and more on an even level, in fact being with submissive girls brought on a Dom side in me that had been suppressed, laying dormant for many years.

The fire of this side was most recently provoked by my last relationship, one which forced me to defend myself both physically and emotionally, something though painful actually gave me a lot of strength inside myself.

Let's throw in here also online activity like GetDare and Fetlife...god this is proving hard to describe haha, but sufficed to say I grew a Dom inside me over time and he liked to play and liked to take more control over my life, finally I found a fire inside me and one that continues to burn brighter with time.

I am yet to have been in a full D/s relationship, but I studied, I talked with many subs and other switches and I experimented with numerous aspects such as rules, clothing control, dares, punishments, tasks...etc...not all with the same girl at once, but different things at different times with different people, the most poignant example being with my play partner, pinning her down, spanking, bondage...some humiliation, orgasm control...there was a fair list by the end of it all and I would experiment further with other girls over time...

That is kind of a summary of how my sub and Dom sides came into being and what I did with them...

How did I approach switching though?
Well with a partner, it is hard to be both a Dom and a sub, it depends very much on what they are inside, you can't really be a sub with a sub in a D/s relationship, a Dom with a Domme I could also see being very complicated.

So in terms of actual switching, I have mostly done this online and primarily through playing games, loses having to sub, winners getting to Dom/Domme, having this logic helped me to know which side to let out to play in any given situation, one thing to note is I always play to win, no matter the stakes involved, I like to be competitive and enjoy banter...though I am rarely ever a sore loser.

But where am I now?
After all these changes, all this discovery and all this experimentation...guess what, I yearn for more of this...but it goes deeper, I have always fantasised about being in a more involved D/s relationship and my major preference for that would be to take a Dom role, not to have a slave...but to have a sub under my wing, I want someone who I can have fun with, but ultimately is under my protection and would seek my guidance, would want to follow rules and tasks set by me and someone I could help to grow, mature and help experiment.

Ultimately I will always have a submissive side even though my preference now is to Dom and from where I stand...or sit as I am now haha, I feel I can enjoy the best of both worlds, I know what it is like to be submissive, I can understand a lot of that, I know what it is to Dom and to have that power,
I know a great deal about the responsibilities of both sides of the kinky coin and feel this puts me at an advantage in D/s play

But while I continue my search for a D/s partner, I get to continue learning and continue to explore both sides of myself, taking on new challenges, testing myself, experimenting further and continuing to grow.

I'm sorry if this blog was a little all over the place, but life is often confusing and this blog should reflect that, thank you for reading and as always, questions are welcome, suggestions are appreciated and criticisms noted