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Being a sub: Oh the irony!

Posted 08-12-2015 at 01:33 PM by Butterfly

*Warning: This blog may not have an actual point, it may be kind of ranty, I really don't know how it is going to turn out or if it will make any sense*

It isn't a secret. I am a sub. Yes, it is true that I sometimes switch, and I had a 3 month relationship with a wonderful sub earlier this year, but the majority of the time I am a sub. I have identified as a sub since I was 16 and learned all about D/s and BDSM.

I love the feeling of giving up control to somebody who I fully trust. It is a time for me to let everything go, let go of the control I hold onto so tightly in my everyday life, and just submit, and sink into that subby world where I am taken care of cherished and don't need to worry about anything.

Giving up control for me has been a great coping mechanism over the past few years because of the above reasons.

People might also say that in my everyday life I have a lot of submissive tendencies. I don't like confrontation or conflict. I am sometimes shy and have a lot of fears and anxieties. I am not usually one to speak up for myself.

However, I have a lot of non-submissive qualities too. I am very stubborn and passionate. When somebody I love is being hurt I am the first person to step up and advocate for them (I call this my mama bear mode). I would do anything to protect the people I care about in my life. When there is a cause I am passionate about, I will not stop fighting.

The most surprising quality? I hate being told what to do!

How ironic! I am a sub afterall. I live to be told what to do and give up control to other people. So how can I even say that I hate being told what to do?

The difference is that when I submit, I choose the person very carefully. It has to be somebody I trust 100%. It has to be somebody I have a connection with. It has to be somebody who makes me feel good, and who I know will give me the proper after care (because submitting makes me incredibly vulnerable). I have to consent.

My submission is something I give. I don't give it lightly or hastily. It is a gift. Nobody can take it from me. I have to give it to you.

But in my everyday life, there are times when I feel like somebody is trying to control me or tell me what to do, and I either freeze or I fight back.

If it is something small, I can usually just fight back and be determined to do the opposite of what the person tells me not to do.

For example, somebody once told me that I can't wait Grey's Anatomy because there is too much blood and I wouldn't like it (I am squemish), and so I fought back and I watched it. And guess what! I loved it!

Or a friend told a group of us that we have to stop commenting on a certain blog because it is just providing negative attention and making the problem worse. I fought back and posted even though I probably wouldn't have posted again if they didn't tell me not to.

Those are examples of small ways that people tell me what to do, or not to do, and I usually just fight back. Those things are my decisions to make, not anybody else's and it isn't causing any harm to do the things people tell me not to do and there is something inside me that just causes me to fight back.

However, when it comes to bigger things, something happens inside me and I just break down and freeze. I can't fight back.

For example, recently somebody told me I had to eat dinner with them while Asslvr was gone for the night. I told them it was ok, I enjoyed my night alone, but they insisted. No matter how many times I said no, they continued to insist. it got even worse when I learned what they were making was something that I don't eat (I was forced to eat food when I was a child and so I have a lot of food aversions, and it is a very sensitive subject for me). I broke down. I froze. I know they were just trying to be nice and I felt ungrateful for resisting but no means no. I was so upset about the situation that I didn't eat dinner at all and I couldn't sleep until 6 am the next morning.

I don't do well with being told what to do. No means no. Yes means yes. It is my life, my body, my right to say no and make my own decisions.

I am not callous or mean. If somebody is trying to help and give me advice, I will listen, as long as I feel like I have a choice in whether I accept it.

And of course I obey laws, and if a police officer told me to pull over I would. I respect people of authority. People who have been appointed or been given authority and are recognized for that; teachers, police officers, judges, the government, etc. But when somebody who has no authority to control me or tell me what to do, somebody who I have not willingly given the gift of my submission, I can't stand it.

I know a lot of this probably comes from growing up in an abusive household. I was verbally abused and manipulated by my dad for 16 years. He still tries now. I was forced to do things I never wanted to do. I was denied doing things that I wanted to and should have been able to do.

I spend a lot of my daily life trying to stay in control for those reasons. I organize and plan and keep my emotions under control as much as possible. It is hard for me to let somebody help me and take care of me. But it feels nice too. and it feels good to let go of the reigns and give up control, submit to somebody. But it isn't something you can take from me.

I am a sub! But only to those who I have allowed to control me.
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    Komodo Jones's Avatar
    No problem with the rants. I've sometimes written blogs that have no point or structure, but that's usually on my vanilla off-gd blog. But a couple times on here. Of course you know that being a sub is a lot more than being told what to do and if that's the only aspect of a D/s relationship I think something has gone awry. But if you place your trust in someone enough to be able to say yes, it's definitely worth holding on to.
    Posted 08-12-2015 at 02:40 PM by Komodo Jones Komodo Jones is offline
  2. Old Comment
    justJane's Avatar
    I really like this blog! I feel the same way about people telling me what to do. Unless they are my dom, and even then it depends on the situation, I tend to think 'fuck you, I'll do what I want' (sometimes it comes out of my mouth; sometimes I just think it, smile, and walk away). I didn't realize I would like any kind of control outside of the bedroom until the last few years for that very reason.

    Booo! About feeling bad for saying no and not being listened to! (hugs)
    Posted 08-12-2015 at 05:17 PM by justJane justJane is offline
  3. Old Comment
    naughtylittlegirl's Avatar
    This is brilliant. I can absolutely identify with much of what you said - I've learned I'm very selective about whom I submit to, and can dig my heels in like nobody's business if someone pushes me. I think that's a really good thing that you are so thoughtful about your submission; it's so much better when you hold out for the really good stuff And I'm sorry people were dumb and didn't listen when you said no the first time - I recommend throwing glitter on them.
    Posted 08-12-2015 at 07:47 PM by naughtylittlegirl naughtylittlegirl is offline
 

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