A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
I am not a switch
Posted 03-04-2019 at 04:05 PM by Butterfly
Awhile ago I asked for some blog topic suggestions in a thread. MastersVoice was kind enough to suggest the topic of my desire to be a sub but to also serve others.
Subby Me
I realized that I was into BDSM when I was about 16. Interestingly enough, it was an episode of CSI that sparked my research. As soon as I started to read stories, I knew that I had a desire to submit to somebody.
My natural state in life has been very submissive. I don't like confrontation. I don't like causing a fuss. I am a rule follower, and was always worried about getting in trouble. It just made sense that I would take on the submissive role.
Submission is about letting go and giving up control. My whole life I have been struggling with a feeling of not being in control of my own life. At the same time, I am also the person in control of everything and everybody around me. The appeal of submission, is letting go of those struggles.
When I moved out for college, I found an online Dom who lived in my city. He helped me to explore my kinks, but it was a very casual relationship. It ended when I began a vanilla relationship.
During the course of that vanilla relationship, my desire to submit grew. It wasn't just a fantasy to be tied up and tortured (although that was super hot to think about), more so, it was the desire to have somebody else take care of me, to cherish me, and for me to only worry about pleasing and making somebody else happy. To me that was the perfect symbiotic relationship.
I will fully admit that while I was in that 6 year relationship, I spent time exploring kink on my own. I had toys and read BDSM stories. I tried some self bondage and even explored with casual play partners on omegle and eventually getDare. My partner was not willing to even explore the use of toys. I was very unfulfilled.
That relationship was already going downhill, and I was very unhappy. Kink was not the reason, but it did make me thing about what would make me happy.
That is when I found Mr. Devious. Wow! Talk about instant connection. Him and I knew each others total life stories (or at least that is what it felt like) within a few days. We just talked and talked and talked. Our kinks lined up, and we both had similar styles. He was a soft, kind hearted, loving Dom. He cherished me and my submission and made me feel safer than I have ever felt.
I found my joy in submitting to Mr. Devious.
Feeling under somebody else's control, the right person's control, is life changing. It is like a warm hug. It calms me. It centers me. It gives me joy. I don't think I ever could or want to give up submission, even if it is just on a casual basis. I need it. I crave it. I want it.
However, somebody trying to exert control over me without me giving my submission, that is going to get you kicked in the place where the sun don't shine.
Dommy Me
I never even considered the thought of being a Domme. I have always had very little confidence in myself and the thoughts of having to come up with ideas on the spot to keep somebody else entertained was overwhelming.
However, in my search for some casual kink play (before Mr. Devious), I came across a switch. After he controlled me a few times, he asked if I would be willing to play a game with him. This game put as more as equals to start but quickly came down to me controlling him through games of chance.
I really enjoyed the outlet for my creativity and I also started to enjoy that feeling of power and control. It was different from the responsibility that I felt in other areas of my life. This wasn't a power struggle, but the allure of somebody submitting to me was intriguing.
However, I continued my Dom search. Once Mr. Devious and I got aquainted, he showed an interest in being subby himself. I was very jealous that he wanted somebody else to control his orgasms. This led to me having the chance to switch with him for a week. It was a disaster! There were a few reasons, but the reality was, it didn't work.
Skip ahead a few months, I was in chat and Colosubguy came in and mentioned needing somebody to control his orgasms. I jokingly said I would do it for him. Well, that joke turned into a 3 month reality.
I love playing with him. I love teasing him. I love controlling him. But it became overwhelming and I knew that he needed more from a Domme than what I could offer. I very sadly released him in the wild (he is now very happy with a wonderful Domme so this is not a sad story).
I thought I was done being a Domme. It was fun for a time, but really it didn't come to me naturally like being a sub does. It took constant work, effort and time. I also really needed to flex my creativity because I didn't want to be boring. When I had the urge to Domme somebody, I would just post a dare in a thread or give out orders in chat.
And then, along came Jaro. Jaro posted a blog mentioning that he was curious to try a few things to see if he was indeed a sub. I messaged him and offered to act as a mentor and help him explore a few things. Neither of us were looking for anything long term or extensive.
However, we both really enjoyed it. We liked the same kinks. we held a lot of the same lifestyle views, we just clicked. Things continued to escalate until we were a full blown D/s dynamic.
Through my time Domming Jaro, my self confidence increased immensely. Jaro was very encouraging and we had many talks around the subject of "How am I doing?". Being a Domme made me feel confident and powerful. It really brought me out of my shell both in the kink and real world.
Jaro and I have been together now for 2.5 years and it has honestly changed my life. He is a life long friend and confidant, and he has really helped me grow as a person.
Our D/s is not always consistent. We take breaks if I feel overwhelmed, or if our lives are especially busy. We adjust the level of control at times: sometimes he will have very few rules and no tasks, and other times he has a list of 20 rules and many task deadlines.
Being a Domme still does not come fully natural for me. I still have to fight against some of my instincts. I have to work at it. But the creativity, the self confidence when I am in Domme mode, that comes very easily now.
Why I don't Switch
So, you might be confused at this point. "Butterfly, you just said you are a Domme and a Sub, doesn't that make you a switch?" Well my prettys, no it doesn't. Why not, you ask? Well, simply put, it is because I don't ever switch with the same person.
When I tried to Domme Mr. Devious, it went awful. In my mind, it was my job to please him. It was so hard to turn that off, and switch to doing what I wanted in order to have him please me. It put so much pressure on me that I froze up and would lose all confidence. I would get this feeling in my stomach that made me want to throw up or run away and hide forever.
My brain struggles to switch mindsets with the same person. Hell, it even struggles at times to switch between being subby with one person and dommy with another.
I have learned that I really need to use rituals, rules and routines to try and get from a dommy mindset to a subby one.
Lately, my Domme role is always on. I Domme Jaro full time, plus I have other casual sub partners. On top of this, modding getDare and being in the "fixer" role in my family has led this to be my more dominant (no pun intended) personality. However, with the right person, under the right circumstances, I can still be melted into a gooey puddle of subbyness and when I do, it is the most wonderful and natural feeling ever.
Subby Me
I realized that I was into BDSM when I was about 16. Interestingly enough, it was an episode of CSI that sparked my research. As soon as I started to read stories, I knew that I had a desire to submit to somebody.
My natural state in life has been very submissive. I don't like confrontation. I don't like causing a fuss. I am a rule follower, and was always worried about getting in trouble. It just made sense that I would take on the submissive role.
Submission is about letting go and giving up control. My whole life I have been struggling with a feeling of not being in control of my own life. At the same time, I am also the person in control of everything and everybody around me. The appeal of submission, is letting go of those struggles.
When I moved out for college, I found an online Dom who lived in my city. He helped me to explore my kinks, but it was a very casual relationship. It ended when I began a vanilla relationship.
During the course of that vanilla relationship, my desire to submit grew. It wasn't just a fantasy to be tied up and tortured (although that was super hot to think about), more so, it was the desire to have somebody else take care of me, to cherish me, and for me to only worry about pleasing and making somebody else happy. To me that was the perfect symbiotic relationship.
I will fully admit that while I was in that 6 year relationship, I spent time exploring kink on my own. I had toys and read BDSM stories. I tried some self bondage and even explored with casual play partners on omegle and eventually getDare. My partner was not willing to even explore the use of toys. I was very unfulfilled.
That relationship was already going downhill, and I was very unhappy. Kink was not the reason, but it did make me thing about what would make me happy.
That is when I found Mr. Devious. Wow! Talk about instant connection. Him and I knew each others total life stories (or at least that is what it felt like) within a few days. We just talked and talked and talked. Our kinks lined up, and we both had similar styles. He was a soft, kind hearted, loving Dom. He cherished me and my submission and made me feel safer than I have ever felt.
I found my joy in submitting to Mr. Devious.
Feeling under somebody else's control, the right person's control, is life changing. It is like a warm hug. It calms me. It centers me. It gives me joy. I don't think I ever could or want to give up submission, even if it is just on a casual basis. I need it. I crave it. I want it.
However, somebody trying to exert control over me without me giving my submission, that is going to get you kicked in the place where the sun don't shine.
Dommy Me
I never even considered the thought of being a Domme. I have always had very little confidence in myself and the thoughts of having to come up with ideas on the spot to keep somebody else entertained was overwhelming.
However, in my search for some casual kink play (before Mr. Devious), I came across a switch. After he controlled me a few times, he asked if I would be willing to play a game with him. This game put as more as equals to start but quickly came down to me controlling him through games of chance.
I really enjoyed the outlet for my creativity and I also started to enjoy that feeling of power and control. It was different from the responsibility that I felt in other areas of my life. This wasn't a power struggle, but the allure of somebody submitting to me was intriguing.
However, I continued my Dom search. Once Mr. Devious and I got aquainted, he showed an interest in being subby himself. I was very jealous that he wanted somebody else to control his orgasms. This led to me having the chance to switch with him for a week. It was a disaster! There were a few reasons, but the reality was, it didn't work.
Skip ahead a few months, I was in chat and Colosubguy came in and mentioned needing somebody to control his orgasms. I jokingly said I would do it for him. Well, that joke turned into a 3 month reality.
I love playing with him. I love teasing him. I love controlling him. But it became overwhelming and I knew that he needed more from a Domme than what I could offer. I very sadly released him in the wild (he is now very happy with a wonderful Domme so this is not a sad story).
I thought I was done being a Domme. It was fun for a time, but really it didn't come to me naturally like being a sub does. It took constant work, effort and time. I also really needed to flex my creativity because I didn't want to be boring. When I had the urge to Domme somebody, I would just post a dare in a thread or give out orders in chat.
And then, along came Jaro. Jaro posted a blog mentioning that he was curious to try a few things to see if he was indeed a sub. I messaged him and offered to act as a mentor and help him explore a few things. Neither of us were looking for anything long term or extensive.
However, we both really enjoyed it. We liked the same kinks. we held a lot of the same lifestyle views, we just clicked. Things continued to escalate until we were a full blown D/s dynamic.
Through my time Domming Jaro, my self confidence increased immensely. Jaro was very encouraging and we had many talks around the subject of "How am I doing?". Being a Domme made me feel confident and powerful. It really brought me out of my shell both in the kink and real world.
Jaro and I have been together now for 2.5 years and it has honestly changed my life. He is a life long friend and confidant, and he has really helped me grow as a person.
Our D/s is not always consistent. We take breaks if I feel overwhelmed, or if our lives are especially busy. We adjust the level of control at times: sometimes he will have very few rules and no tasks, and other times he has a list of 20 rules and many task deadlines.
Being a Domme still does not come fully natural for me. I still have to fight against some of my instincts. I have to work at it. But the creativity, the self confidence when I am in Domme mode, that comes very easily now.
Why I don't Switch
So, you might be confused at this point. "Butterfly, you just said you are a Domme and a Sub, doesn't that make you a switch?" Well my prettys, no it doesn't. Why not, you ask? Well, simply put, it is because I don't ever switch with the same person.
When I tried to Domme Mr. Devious, it went awful. In my mind, it was my job to please him. It was so hard to turn that off, and switch to doing what I wanted in order to have him please me. It put so much pressure on me that I froze up and would lose all confidence. I would get this feeling in my stomach that made me want to throw up or run away and hide forever.
My brain struggles to switch mindsets with the same person. Hell, it even struggles at times to switch between being subby with one person and dommy with another.
I have learned that I really need to use rituals, rules and routines to try and get from a dommy mindset to a subby one.
Lately, my Domme role is always on. I Domme Jaro full time, plus I have other casual sub partners. On top of this, modding getDare and being in the "fixer" role in my family has led this to be my more dominant (no pun intended) personality. However, with the right person, under the right circumstances, I can still be melted into a gooey puddle of subbyness and when I do, it is the most wonderful and natural feeling ever.
Total Comments 15
Comments
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In my view, it's totally alright not to switch with the same person. I magine the difficulty, had experienced that myself. I still would count you as a switch, if you submit to some and top others. But, you define that for yourself I guess.
Posted 03-04-2019 at 04:13 PM by CSasha 
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Thank you so much for taking the time to talk about this. I know when I first got into BDSM I very quickly thought I was a switch because of this urge I got and still get to bottom.
I found it interesting that you found switching difficult with the same partner. I tried this a couple of times and struggled also and so did they for similar reasons you talk about.
I also struggled with being a Dom and yet having my urges to be tied and teased. I was confused until a nice Dom from a munch explained the difference between being a Dom/sub and Top/bottom and that it was perfectly normal to have this element to my kink framework.
Interesting that Mr D is similar in this aspect, just proved that what that Dom told me was correct. You don't have to be a purist and categorise yourself under one label and stick to it. Kink is magical and unique to every single person. I hope anyone else feeling that confusion is helped by this post as it would have helped me immensely six or so years ago.
Thank you again for sharing your experiencePosted 03-04-2019 at 04:29 PM by MastersVoice
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Interesting concept in line with my beliefs, now where have I heard/discussed this beforeQuote:So, you might be confused at this point. "Butterfly, you just said you are a Domme and a Sub, doesn't that make you a switch?" Well my prettys, no it doesn't. Why not, you ask? Well, simply put, it is because I don't ever switch with the same person.
prettysPosted 03-04-2019 at 04:50 PM by nina@
Updated 03-04-2019 at 05:43 PM by nina@ -
You are allowed not to be a switch. Nothing anybody says can change that.Posted 03-04-2019 at 04:55 PM by LitDarkness
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CSI is an interesting way to find out about being a submissive and like the others said above I don't see an issue with not being a switch for people it is your choice, not another persons choice.Posted 03-04-2019 at 05:27 PM by CagedHiruzen
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I know! How many people can say that they got turned on watching CSI haha!Quote:Originally Posted by CagedHiruzen
CSI is an interesting way to find out about being a submissive and like the others said above I don't see an issue with not being a switch for people it is your choice, not another persons choice.Posted 03-04-2019 at 08:03 PM by Butterfly
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Thank you for the wonderful topic. It is actually something that I have had in the back of my mind to write for awhile but this gave me the motivation to do it.Quote:Originally Posted by MastersVoice
Thank you so much for taking the time to talk about this. I know when I first got into BDSM I very quickly thought I was a switch because of this urge I got and still get to bottom.
I found it interesting that you found switching difficult with the same partner. I tried this a couple of times and struggled also and so did they for similar reasons you talk about.
I also struggled with being a Dom and yet having my urges to be tied and teased. I was confused until a nice Dom from a munch explained the difference between being a Dom/sub and Top/bottom and that it was perfectly normal to have this element to my kink framework.
Interesting that Mr D is similar in this aspect, just proved that what that Dom told me was correct. You don't have to be a purist and categorise yourself under one label and stick to it. Kink is magical and unique to every single person. I hope anyone else feeling that confusion is helped by this post as it would have helped me immensely six or so years ago.
Thank you again for sharing your experience
I think there is a big difference between being a bottom and a sub and the same for Dom vs Top. I personally enjoy all of those roles. And I will Top Mr. Devious when he wants to try something, but it doesn't work for me to switch completely with him.
I agree that kink is magical and can mean so many different things to different people. That is why it is so important to communicate with each of your partners since definitions change.Posted 03-04-2019 at 08:07 PM by Butterfly
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From my own experiences, I find it often that switches don't switch with the same partner.
There is no rule that states that you are only a switch if you are able to switch with the same person.
I know often times at play parties if you're open to negotiating topping and bottoming scenes you grab a switch wrist band.
negotiating vocabulary is extremely important especially if being called a switch makes you feel uncomfortable because I find often times in the local community if you top and bottom scene people will use the switch termPosted 03-04-2019 at 08:21 PM by Heart
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What a wonderful blog you wrote again! Very nice to read some more insight on how things came to be with you.
I am so happy for you to have found Dr. Frankenst... eh, I mean Dr. Dom! I just hope he can find a way to deal with your brattyness.
Posted 03-04-2019 at 08:59 PM by Jaro
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He already deals with it fine .... in a tutu!Quote:Originally Posted by Katie
What a wonderful blog you wrote again! Very nice to read some more insight on how things came to be with you.
I am so happy for you to have found Dr. Frankenst... eh, I mean Dr. Dom! I just hope he can find a way to deal with your brattyness.Posted 03-04-2019 at 09:20 PM by Butterfly
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I guess it just comes to how you categorise a switch, I consider myself a switch because I domme Matt and I sub to Lucy, I do not think of it as meaning I switch roll with the same person. I don't think I could "switch" with Matt (He wouldn't want to anyway) although I have tried a little with Lucy, but only for sessions, not anything longer, and I need to prepare for it, I could not switch roll instantly.Posted 03-05-2019 at 12:39 AM by Sam~
Updated 03-05-2019 at 12:42 AM by Sam~ -
Copy that. If there's ever any rule, always aks "Says who?". The only right answer: me!Quote:Originally Posted by LitDarkness
You are allowed not to be a switch. Nothing anybody says can change that.
I would like anybody to just try the other side once in a while. Doesn't mean you need to call it switching. For the sake of insight, perspective, and empathy, it gives so much. For me, it's related to taking the lead in dancing, or being let. Both sides are different, both have their qualities. You learn to respect the other side much more, what they need, what they can provide, and what not, way better when you walk in their shoes. Or at least, talk about it.Posted 03-05-2019 at 02:54 AM by CSasha
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Yeah, for some reason the term just bothers me.Quote:Originally Posted by Sam~
I guess it just comes to how you categorise a switch, I consider myself a switch because I domme Matt and I sub to Lucy, I do not think of it as meaning I switch roll with the same person. I don't think I could "switch" with Matt (He wouldn't want to anyway) although I have tried a little with Lucy, but only for sessions, not anything longer, and I need to prepare for it, I could not switch roll instantly.
I am in awe of people who can switch back and forth so easily. I really need somebody special or special circumstances for me to slip into that subby mindset.Posted 03-06-2019 at 10:32 AM by Butterfly
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I also think that there is great merit in experiencing the other side. Even if it isn't being a bottom in a scene, but instead feeling what electro play or nipple clamps feel like so you can better understand when giving instructions to use those things.Quote:Originally Posted by Cassandra
Copy that. If there's ever any rule, always aks "Says who?". The only right answer: me!
I would like anybody to just try the other side once in a while. Doesn't mean you need to call it switching. For the sake of insight, perspective, and empathy, it gives so much. For me, it's related to taking the lead in dancing, or being let. Both sides are different, both have their qualities. You learn to respect the other side much more, what they need, what they can provide, and what not, way better when you walk in their shoes. Or at least, talk about it.Posted 03-06-2019 at 10:34 AM by Butterfly
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I agree that depends how you categorise switch but in a slightly different sense. I feel switch is a hybrid term used with two distinct categorisationsQuote:Originally Posted by Sam~
I guess it just comes to how you categorise a switch, I consider myself a switch because I domme Matt and I sub to Lucy, I do not think of it as meaning I switch roll with the same person. I don't think I could "switch" with Matt (He wouldn't want to anyway) although I have tried a little with Lucy, but only for sessions, not anything longer, and I need to prepare for it, I could not switch roll instantly.
1. Dom(me), sub, switch
2. Top, bottom, switch
While in both categorisations switch means somebody who can do both, switching in D/s is slightly complex than just T/b as while I associate the former with being able to form a D/s mindset which has more lasting effects, T/b is something that I relate to sadism/masochism so imo it might be easier to Top one's Dom(me) just for that session for mutual fun without lasting impacts of feeling dominant towards the dominant.
Though still doesn't work for me to be able to Top someone I may have a submissive mindset towards though in the absence of either D or s mindsets, I may just be able to switch in T/b dynamic in isolation however being someone who loves the mental control aspect, T/b in isolation is not my cup of tea
Lastly I would also add that just like in any kind of communication, context is very important in interpreting, so when it comes up exclusively in a discussion wrt to longer term dynamics we are into I would go with my role in that rather than a generic one, but say in a wider generic discussion about kinks, having explored both sides (even with different people/timeframes) will be able to contribute and relate more from both perspectives which is very helpful as Cass states (thus, kind of maybe representing switches?)Posted 03-06-2019 at 03:22 PM by nina@
Updated 03-12-2019 at 01:17 AM by nina@
