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Posted 09-26-2014 at 11:06 AM by DoingMyBest
Updated 09-26-2014 at 04:06 PM by DoingMyBest

It's frustrating being me. This isn't a self-pity thing (as often as I go down that jaunty lane), rather it's a simple statement. Observation dictates that it's not frustrating to only me either, but that's not the point I'm making.

It's wonderful seeing so may of you guys and gals all loved up and doing great with each other. Unfortunately, it's becomingly increasingly triggersome to my illness (those that know know whta I mean and those that don't, probably don't need to know, but it's not something I'm prepared to discuss in public right now) - and that is often the reason I have been off of gD for weeks at a time. To those of you in D/s or relationships etc, please accept my most sincere of apologies and know that it doesn't come from a bad place and I am utterly happy for you all - I don't begrudge any of you and wish you all to last for very long times.

Those that don't have someone, make lustrous ads or which to entice someone (even if it only ends up being a flirting daliance). Which is great too. I quite enjoy reading these and it's good to see what people want and can explain of themselves.

It's not small secret that I don't have that someone right now (especially considering my last blog post - although, I feel it best to point out that I have discussed things with all three now and certain things have been resolved, but the sum total is as expected: I only mention that because of its relevance to this point). It's also probably not a small secret that I would quite like to have that someone, not that I could tell you what that someone would be like. In fact, within the last week, I even posted on FL that I was wanting to submit (I rarely say anything on FL, I rarely say I want to submit/Dom anyone and various other things that basically make it very surprising I said it at all in the fletting moment).

Now, you may well be asking why I don't simply make an ad. For everyone else, no matter how hard it is to think about what they want and what they're offering and how to word it - they can at least narrow it down and pinpoint it: they're all fairly staid and ultimately can predict themselves.

With my vastly peculiar brain set-up (3 distinct factors, not to mention any of the smaller ones), I fluctuate. I don't notice it. It's like having a multiple personality disorder, but each personality is the same flipping one. I will be adamant on an opinion one week and a month later be adamant on the opposite side with no recollection of ever having had an opinion on the first. I'm not fickle, don't get me wrong and I'm always true to my word - I just see things from all sides and my subconscious will sometimes change which side that is.

The result is - I have no idea what I need from one minute to the next bcause it WILL and DOES change. There are a few things I will always need (the foremost are honesty, care and communication - as though you hadn;t guessed the last one ), but I can't say what I do and don't like because they constently morph - what I have in my likes, dislikes and limits are the consistent ones and there for a reason.

Ultimately, what all that means is - I can't make an advert. I am monogamous (although serially so), not polygamous, which means I can't have Dommes for each facet of myself, I need an individual Domme. But the realisation is such that: no Domme will ever exist that could keep pace with it, let alone second-guess it. I think that may be why I've been retreating so much, with particular emphasis to gD.

As a post-script, it may be worth mentioning that a couple of times, I've had interest expressed and the girls in question have shortly after disappeared. As an added side-thought as well, I don't know if I need a sub of any kind or a switch, but I certainly am interested in a Domme most of the time.

(EDIT: I've just remembered that at one point, hours before I wrote this, I meant to ask people what they know of me to be consistent enough in want or in myself that I could actually put into an ad if I did ever make one - as unlikely as that is...)

I'm just tired of not knowing.... Bye all.
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    lola.fox's Avatar
    Aww, DMB I'm so sorry that you felt so lost I wish there was something I could do to help you! Also, don't go into hiding for so long again, there are A LOT of people around these parts that like to hear from you
    Posted 09-26-2014 at 03:25 PM by lola.fox lola.fox is offline
  2. Old Comment
    DoingMyBest's Avatar
    Don't be sorry - it's not your fault. It's very kind of you to wish you could do something, but I'm not really one to ask even if I knew what there were.

    You know where to find me if I am. From what I've heard, people discuss me when I'm not here anyways.

    But your words are kind, sincere and mean a lot to me.
    Posted 09-26-2014 at 03:59 PM by DoingMyBest DoingMyBest is offline
 

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