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3 months since Sam passed away.

Posted 12-05-2020 at 10:27 AM by Matt:
Updated 06-30-2022 at 01:50 PM by Matt:

It has now been 3 months since Sam died from a brain aneurysm.

It has been (and still is) very tough, even now sometimes I can't believe she is really gone forever and it hits me all over again. It is very hard to know how to move on, she really was the only person who understood me and all my issues, the only person I could talk to about anything and be completely open with and who accepted me as I am. She gave meaning to my life, and was always there for me no matter what. She knew when to push me and when not too. She helped me through so much. I still miss hearing her voice every day and the messages she would send through each day. She has left such a hole in my life that I don’t know if I will ever be able to fill. It was a miracle that we found each other, very few have the understanding and patience to form a relationship with me with the way I am and my condition. I know the chances of me ever finding anything like what I had with Sam are pretty much non-existent. I’m getting on a bit now too, which only reduces the chances even more, if that were possible lol

The situation with covid pandemic has only made everything harder. It meant I could not go to her funeral and say my final goodbye. It was meant to be shown online, but due to technical issues, even that didn’t happen. It has meant I can’t see my family very often and worry about my elderly parents, I can’t go and watch a film at the cinema or go out with friends, I can’t help out with a band I used to go to gigs with. I have had to spend a lot more time alone with nobody to talk to, nowhere to go and nothing to do. (With the exception of work, which I know I am fortunate to still have with so many losing their jobs and livelihoods) Life just seems very monotonous and pointless at the moment.

I still talk with Lucy occasionally but it has been tough for her too, she knew Sam long before me, and she is also having a difficult year with other life issues in addition to losing Sam. I don’t want to be an extra burden.

I know Sam would not want me to be miserable and give up, so I am trying to carry on with my life and move on, but it is not easy. Motivation to do anything can be difficult some days and often I feel like I’m just going through the motions. Some days are better than others though, and I am doing my best to remember I do have a lot to be thankful for and to remember all the good times I have had with Sam.

I am not sure what my future holds on GetDare, sometimes I feel like maybe it is time for me to leave, as without Sam or Lucy to play with or push me, it doesn’t feel as fun and I don’t feel like I am adding much to the site. I doubt I would be missed that much other than adding to add threads lol But then I might regret it later, I would miss some of the people here.

I’m not entirely sure what the point of this blog was, but that’s how I’m feeling.

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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    Bdsub's Avatar
    Matt, I never had the pleasure of interacting with Sam but have only heard good things about her. I don’t know that there is anything I can say to lessen the pain you feel. I hope writing about it helped and there are plenty here willing to listen. GD might not be the same to you without Sam but if you left your presence here would most definitely be missed.
    Posted 12-05-2020 at 12:45 PM by Bdsub Bdsub is offline
  2. Old Comment
    CSasha's Avatar
    Thanks for sharing so openly, Matt. Sorry about your loss. I miss Sam, too, but especially both of you as a couple or triage together with Lucy. Nevertheless, I was am very happy to see you posting and trying to move on as Sam would have wished. Give yourself time, Matt. You are important to us, to me, besides your posts. You are a lovely person on your own. I am very glad about your company.
    Posted 12-05-2020 at 02:18 PM by CSasha CSasha is offline
  3. Old Comment
    Lightze's Avatar
    Matt... you're reaching out. I... think that's the point of your post.
    Really. Ultimately.
    And it's... shit. (No moith soaping me. I think I'm allowed this. )
    That's the only way to describe it.
    There is nothing I can say to make it better. (And you've seen I can say alot.)
    But I will say this: be kind to yourself.
    There's enough going on without darker thoughts turning inwards.
    Give yourself time. Forgive yourself when you need to...
    Then take it one day at a time.
    The pm inbox is open if you need to vent.
    Posted 12-05-2020 at 02:27 PM by Lightze Lightze is offline
  4. Old Comment
    Consensus's Avatar
    I am so sorry to hear about this, I came on today for the first time since July. That is awful for you. Others have said things far more eloquently, but that is shit.

    I have no more than words. God bless you.
    Posted 12-05-2020 at 03:26 PM by Consensus Consensus is offline
  5. Old Comment
    AnalAddict's Avatar
    I'm so sorry for your loss and the pain you're still going through. Sam sounds like an amazing person, one who is dearly missed.

    We'd miss you if you went away--don't doubt that. But we'd also understand.

    Take care of yourself, Matt.
    Posted 12-05-2020 at 04:40 PM by AnalAddict AnalAddict is offline
  6. Old Comment
    Butterfly's Avatar
    I wish I could give you a huge hug. You have to do what is best for you. Maybe that means a short break, or a longer hiatus. I can't imagine how hard it is to be here without her.

    Also, I think you are underestimating your presence around here. You weren't just defined by Sam. You are a part of getDare. That being said, don't stay for anybody here, stay if it is the right thing for you.
    Posted 12-05-2020 at 04:45 PM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline
  7. Old Comment
    Jaro's Avatar
    I understand why you write this blog. Sometimes it helps just to talk about things. And having someone to listen. And as you can see there are many here who will listen. I think you are a well known and respected member of getDare, just like Sam also was. I'd hate to see you leave, but I can totally understand if you do.

    Needless to say I am very sorry for your loss. When you first told us about this I was genuinely shocked. But as you also realize: life goes on and you have to make the best of it. Take care, be strong, and do what feels right for you.
    Posted 12-05-2020 at 09:53 PM by Jaro Jaro is offline
  8. Old Comment
    bluedieblub's Avatar
    It's a rough time for you Matt, and it didn't come at a good moment with the pandemic, if there is even such a thing as a good moment. Preferably it would have happened in 70 more years instead. Take care of yourself, we will understand either way if you decide to leave or stay. You will however be missed.
    Posted 12-06-2020 at 01:02 AM by bluedieblub bluedieblub is offline
  9. Old Comment
    MarvHarvey's Avatar
    Matt you are a Prince of GetDare. You may not feel that but the rest of us do.

    Look at the people who have responded here. Most of us have been here for years and know you. We would miss you.

    So cool it a bit if you wish, especially if being here makes for bad memories, but don't drop the connection to the good memories. Maintain the links with glorious days, and with people who care.
    Posted 12-07-2020 at 03:28 AM by MarvHarvey MarvHarvey is offline
  10. Old Comment
    kaylessa's Avatar
    Wow... I'm cursing my own life just to come here and see what misery others are in. My life is a pice of cake in comparison.

    I don't know what to say. I don't think I have anything valuable to contribute. Just know that people are with you.
    Posted 12-07-2020 at 04:27 PM by kaylessa kaylessa is offline
  11. Old Comment
    nina@'s Avatar
    I do feel personally a break might help you heal and develop some meaningful friendships in real life. Although if you ever feel very lonely, remember you have friends here to talk to.
    Posted 12-07-2020 at 11:14 PM by nina@ nina@ is offline
  12. Old Comment
    StrawDog's Avatar
    There aren't simple answers with grief. You're doing the right thing by focusing on what you've had, and still have, to be grateful for in life.
    Trying to find more 'right ways' moving forward will largely be by experiment, and there will be wobbles and backward steps as you go.

    Grief creates a shut down to protect oneself, so above all try to keep open to the possibility of more, and better in your life. The relationship you had showed you so many wonderful and beautiful things, and you acknowledge that Sam would want you to keep going - so keep going. Learn from your time together. Who knows what else you might find?
    We honour those we've lost by living as well as we can. Sometimes holding to that principle is the best we have.

    On a more practical level, do keep writing, by hand if possible. Keep the basics of eating and sleeping under control, too; what you're feeling isn't just mental, it's playing out and effecting your body.

    Take care.
    Posted 12-08-2020 at 12:42 AM by StrawDog StrawDog is offline
 

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