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Heartbreak

Posted 05-21-2022 at 12:42 PM by Butterfly

I have struggled to write this blog for over a week now. I am still numb but also very deeply hurt. After 2.5 years, Gerbil.boy and I are no longer together.

I don't regret loving him. I don't hate him. I don't think I ever could. But knowing that I had invested more in the relationship than he ever could, and that the decision to walk away from me seemed to come so easily to him ... it hurts.

I wouldn't change the fact that I gave my heart to him. It's what I do. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I love and care deeply. That is why this hurts so much. I was in love with him. Not just as my sub, but as a person, as a partner. I loved him deeply. My heart aches knowing that he does not feel the same.

But I have learned some valuable lessons along the way, which I guess is what this is all about: growing and learning.

I have learned that, no matter what the power dynamic is, mutual emotional support is important. I have to be able to be vulnerable and lean on my partner for support when I am having a shitty day. I should be able to vent to them, cry to them, and just generally know they are there for me. And they will get the same in return from me. I want a symbiotic relationship. We are stronger together.

Whether the relationship is just a friendship or there is romantic love involved, the partnership comes before the kink. Always. I do not want just a kink based relationship. I want and need more than that.

My heart is going to take some time to heal, but I am going to be ok. The past 2.5 years haven't been a waste. I have grown as a Domme and been a part of watching my slave grow and heal. I am glad that I was able to take part in that. I am proud of him for that. I am proud that he was able to make the decision to walk away from this relationship if it was something that wasn't fulfilling him, even if the way he did it was hurtful to me. I don't think he would have been able to do that two years ago.

I wish him the best, and I hope that one day we can be friends. Right now it is just too painful. My heart is just too tender. I am so thankful for my partners and friends in my life who have given me the space that I have needed to process this, and who have been there with open arms to hold me, to listen and to just support me through this loss. You know who you are, and I love you and appreciate each one of you.
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    bluedieblub's Avatar
    I can't do too much for you, not being close to you, but I wish you all the best in managing this Butterfly! Stay strong!
    Posted 05-21-2022 at 01:32 PM by bluedieblub bluedieblub is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Andrew 25:17's Avatar
    Good luck in your healing process, you went through something very hard and painful but is amazing how you're trying to see the best of it and I'm sure you'll get even stronger once you'll be completely healed.
    Posted 05-21-2022 at 04:55 PM by Andrew 25:17 Andrew 25:17 is offline
  3. Old Comment
    Foxy Rose's Avatar
    Hey friend,

    Not been online much lately, slowly coming back but still not sure. I'm going through something similar, I think. But, I know how you feel. My heart aches for you. Thank you for your vulnerability. I needed to see this message today.

    Thinking of you

    xx
    Posted 05-21-2022 at 11:54 PM by Foxy Rose Foxy Rose is offline
  4. Old Comment
    Jaro's Avatar
    I'm wishing you lot of strength in getting over this Miss. I know it's hard, but I also know you are strong and you will be okay.
    Sending many hugs.
    Posted 05-22-2022 at 01:50 AM by Jaro Jaro is offline
  5. Old Comment
    FrostbittenSoul's Avatar
    Although I know this hit you very, very hard ... this is the kind of connection that all D/s relationships should have ... yes ... power exchanges are great ... but the exchange of such a deep love and emotional support is so much more than anything BDSM can provide ... and that is a connection worth investing in.

    I have only been there a few times ... and it is heart-breaking to watch a connection that your love had built over time, crumble down. I hope your heart and soul recover soon.
    Posted 05-22-2022 at 03:04 AM by FrostbittenSoul FrostbittenSoul is offline
  6. Old Comment
    b69's Avatar
    I'm so sorry to hear this today. Hugs, prayers, and thoughts are with you as go through the healing process. It's OK to be vulnerable and lean on friends/family. Sorry
    Posted 05-22-2022 at 03:54 AM by b69 b69 is offline
  7. Old Comment
    Cstelle's Avatar
    I wish you strength, I wish you a quick turnaround... And in the meanwhile I'm sending you an armful of good thoughts that you can comfort munch on.

    Hugzzzz!
    Posted 05-22-2022 at 04:42 AM by Cstelle Cstelle is offline
  8. Old Comment
    owlart's Avatar
    Sending you lots of love & hugs!
    Posted 05-22-2022 at 05:50 AM by owlart owlart is offline
  9. Old Comment
    Butterfly's Avatar
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Foxy Rose View Comment
    Hey friend,

    Not been online much lately, slowly coming back but still not sure. I'm going through something similar, I think. But, I know how you feel. My heart aches for you. Thank you for your vulnerability. I needed to see this message today.

    Thinking of you

    xx
    I am so sorry you are going through something similar. If you need to talk, you know where to find me. Big hugs to you my friend xoxo.
    Posted 05-22-2022 at 09:25 AM by Butterfly Butterfly is online now
  10. Old Comment
    Butterfly's Avatar
    Thank you everybody for your support and love <3
    Posted 05-22-2022 at 09:26 AM by Butterfly Butterfly is online now
  11. Old Comment
    Dman1212's Avatar
    I'm so sorry to hear this, I hope in some way you both can settle whatever the differences were and still be friends in the end!
    Posted 05-27-2022 at 08:16 PM by Dman1212 Dman1212 is offline
 

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