Of Dating, Kinks & Fetishes

So I am going out on my first official date this Saturday since my divorce last year and a conversation I had with a member has stuck in my mind. This person insisted that one must immediately be upfront and honest about one's BDSM fetish to any potential lover.

At first, I do confess, I found the advice amusing. I can just imagine the conversation over dinner (at a new Mongolian grill restaurant, btw, I am very excited) where he asks me about my hobbies and I answer, “quilting, photography, being an online dominatrix, and taking commands from strangers to spank and humiliate myself because I'm into S&M. And you?” Yeah, that would be interesting.

I was going to simply dismiss his advice, but I have pondered it a bit more. I get the idea that one should be upfront and honest about major things. “Yes, I'm not really a thirty-something divorced state employee but a transvestite prostitute/assassin illegally living the country.” Might be something he would like to know sooner than later.

It comes down to, I would think the different meanings of “kink” and “fetish” is the key to the issue. Originally, I thought they were synonyms. From my research, I see they are not. Both imply an “unconventional sexual taste or behavior” but a kink is but an “eccentricity” or “quirk”, while a “fetish” is an “object of fixation to the extent that it may interfere with complete sexual expression.”

So, if one views BDSM as a major lifestyle choice than his advice is solid. However, if it is merely an optional preference for play, than I would think it would be much better to hold off.

For me, this stuff is solely a kink, and right now only for my private online musings. If I meet a great guy who isn't into BDSM, that is perfectly fine. Part of the joy of a healthy relationship, I would think (for my track record is hardly stellar in this area), would be two souls learning to become more one, through the give and take of growing together. Besides, this can include some mischievous fun. “Hey honey, care to play strip poker? The loser has to do what the winner says. Oh, and by the way, I just bought a pair of toy handcuffs today.”

But I am getting way ahead of myself. First, the Mongolian barbecue.

Love,
Amy