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How do I want to humiliate a sub?

Posted 02-22-2023 at 04:11 PM by Azyliux

Prompted by a friend, I recently spent some time considering what exactly I desire with regards to humiliation. I found it a useful exercise to reflect on this as the process of putting my thoughts into words aids in clarifying them, and I thought I would share it here on my blog.

I've never quite got clear in my head if there is a difference between humiliation and degradation. There is an interesting discussion thread about this here on GD, but it feels to me that people tend to make up their own arbitrary distinction. So I'm not going to distinguish between the two here. Instead I'm going to base my answer on shame. Shame is not simply embarrassment. Shame is connected to self identity and self worth; it is a very powerful and dangerous emotion. I am aware this is like playing with fire!

I want my sub to feel ashamed by either what she is allowing to be done to her or what she is doing. Either way her active participation or acceptance is very important; she needs to own and endorse the activity. I wouldn't want her turned on or enjoying the shame itself either, but instead I want her to choose to suffer the shame because she wants to please me and enjoys the fact her shame does please me and turns me on. In many ways it's another side of my sadism, another way my sub can be made to suffer.

The exact how is going to vary from one sub to another, and what is shameful to one might be meaningless to another. I'm open to whatever means works to induce shame, but I do have personal preferences. I wasn't quite sure how to approach this without getting overly specific, so I've ended up listing the broad categories of things I would like to do that might be considered shaming by a sub. Exclamation marks signal increasing interest, pleasure and/or erotic stimulation on my part (also color coded).
  • Ownership - collaring, symbols of ownership, requiring demonstrations of submission !!
  • Ownership - permanent marks of ownership including tattoos, branding and scarification !
  • Orgasm control - denying orgasm, forced edging, chastity devices, denying touching, general ownership or control over sexual pleasure !!
  • Orgasm control - denying pleasure while servicing or pleasuring to others !
  • Clothing control - clothing that is demeaning or disliked
  • Clothing control - denying underwear !
  • Clothing control/exposure - revealing or slutty clothing
  • Exposure - uncomfortable, shameful or degrading poses !
  • Exposure - putting on display or public exposure in uncomfortable, shameful or degrading manner !!
  • Exposure - online exposure in in uncomfortable, shameful or degrading manner !
  • Exposure - requiring masturbation or other sexual activity for an audience !
  • Objectification - breasts always available for groping, hurting or handholds
  • Objectification - all holes always available for play or fucking !
  • Objectification - taking ownership or control over what, when or how holes get fucked !!
  • Objectification - playing with or fucking without any regard or concern for subs desires or pleasure !
  • Objectification - playing with or fucking in deliberately disrespectful, painful or degrading manner !!
  • Promiscuity - taking control over who can play with or fuck subs holes !!
  • Promiscuity - requiring sexual interactions with total strangers !
  • Promiscuity - requiring sexual interactions with undesirable or degrading partners !
  • Promiscuity - requiring homosexual or heterosexual interactions against sexual orientation
  • Promiscuity - requiring hookups and other sexual encounters as recurring tasks or quotas !
  • Promiscuity - sharing sub out as a favor to others, whoring sub out
  • Degrading language - making crude and demeaning references to sexual body parts
  • Degrading language - degrading and demeaning names calling !
  • Degrading language - body-writing of degrading and demeaning labels !!
  • Degrading language - requiring degrading and shameful verbal acknowledgements, admissions and mantras !!
  • Pain - spanking, breast and genital torture, chemical pain, and other sadistic treatment !!
  • Pain - rough and painful insertions and stretching !!
  • Pain - face slapping, hair pulling, breast and genital slapping, biting, trampling
  • Discipline - castigation and scolding, degrading line writing and essays
  • Discipline - corner time, mouth soaping, and other "traditional" discipline
  • Belittling - laughing at, mocking and ignoring sub, and demeaning her about being stupid
  • Belittling - telling sub she is useless except as a sex object
  • Belittling - mocking sub for accepting my humiliations !
  • Belittling - deliberately making sub cry !
  • Belittling - requiring sub to be thankful for being humiliated or hurt !
  • Body shaming - calling sub fat, ugly and otherwise shaming her about appearance
  • Restraint - gagging and restraining sub for sexual use !!
  • Restraint - general restraint and bondage !
  • Bathroom control - taking control over when and how to use toilet !
  • Bathroom control - taking control over personal hygiene, grooming, and menstrual hygiene
  • Diet control - taking control over what, when and how to eat
  • Degrading activities - spitting on and other humiliation with spit use or play !
  • Degrading activities - cumming on, facials, cum gargling and swallowing, cum wearing, and other humiliations with cum !
  • Degrading activities - pissing in clothing or on self, and generally pissing on and in, and piss drinking !!
  • Degrading activities - toilet licking, swirlies, and fucking with head in toilet
  • Degrading activities - gagging with used panties, panty stuffing in vagina, wedgies !
  • Degrading activities - pussy to mouth, ass to mouth, gagging with a used dildo or butt plug, rimming !!
  • Degrading activities - treating sub like a pet or animal, eating from floor, crawling, being caged
  • Discrimination - treating sub as racially inferior and calling her racially degrading names ! (I am a bit ashamed myself for having this desire)
  • Discrimination - treating sub as inferior because of her gender
  • Cuckqueaning - having sex with other partners while sub is denied
  • Cuckqueaning - requiring sub to service, assist or clean up in having sex with other partners

Obviously not all of these are activities suited to online only play, but represent my interests in humiliation in general. I have tried to be as exhaustive as I can, but I'm sure I've missed things. I am happy to answer questions or provide clarification and examples for anyone who is interested or curious.

Disclaimer: I refer to subs here as female simply because this is a reflection about me and female subs are my personal preference.
Posted in Reflections
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    DeepInnerFreak's Avatar
    What a great post. Humiliation is one of my favorite kinks both as a Dom/Top and as a bottom. Your point of not trying to distinguish between humiliation and degradation is so wise. Whilst there are obvious differences with some examples, some are also blurry and in all honesty so long as you and your partner can communicate what you both want/need, putting a label on it isn't important.

    I also like that your post identifies that humiliation is very personal to the person receiving it at that what works for one does not work for all. I often struggle with this with casual/one-off partners if there has been no prior discussion. I was in fact faced with this yesterday and just decided to leave "teasing" the person as there was no obvious thing they wanted. Communication is definitely a very important factor for both parties to get out of this what they want.

    Your list is well thought out and covers a fantastic range of humiliating and in my opinion degrading activities, and would be a great aid for someone new exploring this kink or for a future play partner of yours to see if they could meet most of your needs.

    I love reading thoughtful, intelligent and well written pieces likes this. It prompts me to think and clarify things in my head as well as to learn a thing or two. Thank you for posting.
    Posted 02-22-2023 at 11:51 PM by DeepInnerFreak DeepInnerFreak is offline
    Updated 02-23-2023 at 12:32 AM by DeepInnerFreak (Spelling error)
  2. Old Comment
    pluky's Avatar
    "Discrimination - treating sub as racially inferior and calling her racially degrading names ! (I am a bit ashamed myself for having this desire)"

    So this one works both ways, everybody gets humiliated ��
    Posted 02-23-2023 at 12:57 AM by pluky pluky is offline
  3. Old Comment
    Sabina's Avatar
    A very clever and insightful comment, pluky!
    Posted 02-23-2023 at 04:56 PM by Sabina Sabina is offline
  4. Old Comment
    Butterfly's Avatar
    Distinguishing between humiliation and degradation is hard and it really does lend itself to defining it on a personal level. For me, I am enjoying exploring a bit of humiliation and being blushy but I don't want to ever cross the line into degradation. Just the other day I was talking to my Dom and he asked me where spitting on me would fall on that spectrum. We had a discussion about how I would feel and we determined it was firmly in the degradation category for me, and therefore a limit at this time. But without that conversation it would be hard to determine where that would fall because I am sure a lot of people would feel differently than me.
    Posted 02-24-2023 at 06:22 PM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline
  5. Old Comment
    pluky's Avatar
    I was just thinking, I think things that are degrading are inherently either intended to be or experienced as (or both) as humiliating.

    Humiliation is more of a feeling (experienced by a person or inflicted to someone) that can be caused by degradation or a lot of other things that vary from one person to another, sort of like a bigger category.

    What can be humiliating ?
    - degrading names, language and actions
    - controlling behavior
    - exposure
    - belittling, mocking
    - takin away privacy, being seen not in your best light
    - being caught or admitting actions or thoughts that make you feel shameful

    etc
    Posted 02-25-2023 at 02:06 AM by pluky pluky is offline
 

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