Failure....
Posted 08-21-2018 at 01:43 PM by AbusiveMaster
Icy has always had a problem with begging. At least she has as long as she has been mine - and as her life as my submissive is the only life that counts, she has always had the problem. I should write a blog later about my own peculiar narcissism, but I digress.
Recently she has made a comment on a thread touching on this topic. If you want to go read it, go find it - it's out there somewhere, shouldn't take you more than an hour to search out. She asked me to comment on the post, but as I had already planned to blog on this topic, I declined.
Believe it or not, my Icy is extremely self conscious. No, really, she is. She blushes a lot, finds it really hard to talk dirty or talk about sex. Quite a few times in the course of our relationship, we have tried something and she has literally frozen, unable to move, speak or even think. We overcome this with time and effort, and she grows in ability and confidence as we push and explore. Begging is perhaps the biggest challenge we have encountered to date.
Another sticking point is my little girls fear of failure. The idea of not being good enough, of letting me down, of failing, still weighs heavily on her mind. As such, when you couple this with her natural shyness, it is a self perpetuating cycle where when she freezes, she considers herself a failure which causes her to freeze.
The time it has taken to solve this matter is as much my fault as anything else. Watching someone you love literally break is not pleasant, and our attempts to teach her beggin have historically ended in me deciding "Let's do this another time." This was wrong. If I had persevered, and made her persevere, years ago, we would have nailed this particular problem by now. And the fact it has taken over three years just seems to cement into her pretty (but largely empty) little head that she will never get there. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, and sometimes kindness is the worst form of cruelty.
So, because she wants to overcome this difficulty, she decided to set the PM dare "practice" for herself. As above, if you want to find the dare, go look, it's on GetDare someplace.
We have made progress... to an extent. whereas a year ago she had no idea what was required, what to say at all, she can now present a plea in writing that is well done and thought out. However, it does take her several hours to do so, and costs her a lot of effort, but it is progress.
As such, I decided to try a next step. After she had written it out, she was to record herself begging. This one was much more difficult for her. The first time she did, she read back what she had written. The problem is that readin aloud can be monotonous, and she didn't like the emotionless monotone when she presented this to me.
Moving on from that, I told her instead to memorise what she had written, and record it from memory. And this is where her tendancy to freeze came and hit her hard. she just couldn't do it, as soon as she started recording her pretty (but largely empty) little mind went completely blank.
Of course, Icy being the girl she is, all the progress she has made automatically counts for nothing as soon as she hits a stumbling block. I mean, what does it matter if she has progressed in leaps and bounds over the past year? She hit a roadblack so she is a failure, she sucks, right?
Lordy, this blog is getting long, and I havent even touched on the main focus yet. but bear with me - or go read something else if you prefer, there are some really quite wonderful contributions just a little further down.
Still with me?
So drastic measures were required. And I took them. I told her to paste me the script, for want of a better term, she had written. She spent time and effort on it, and I wont have anything ym girl does for me go to waste. I then told her to discard it utterly and record a spur of the moment message where she gave me the bare bones of what she had written. A sentence or two would suffice.
She knew she would freeze. I knew she would freeze. She froze.
I told her that if she froze again, she would send me the video anyway, if she didnt say a word, I would watch her sit in silence. I watched her sit in silence.
Frustration, and a sense of failure, of being a failure, overtook my Icy at that point. And if I had a heart, it would have broken for her. But we spoke, and I explained to her how I felt - I will explain to you all as soon as I get to the end of this part - and she persevered. A few minutes later I was sent a video of my little girl.
Tears were running down her face, and she took a while to begin. Her voice was broken, her breathing ragged. And she did it. She begged me to allow her to suck my cock. Perhaps not the most inspried thing to ask for, but... well if you have ever had Icys mouth around your cock you will know what I mean... for the twelve seconds it takes me to kill you in a fit of jealous rage, she is mine.
The thing is... the whole blog up to this point has been background information. None of it is what I sat down here to say. But what I want to say makes no sense to anyone without the above information.
Basically, the point of this blog is to reiterate and reinforce what i told her. That and to let everyone know just how proud I am of her.
Some people find certain things easy. Others fid the same thing difficult, near to impssible. There are people who know exactly what to say, and those who cant find the words. More to the point, there are those who can beg so convincingly for anything at all, and not mean a word of it, those who can talk the talk, but have no emotion or connection with what they are saying.
I don't want any of these people. I want my little girl. I want her every success, her every failure. I don't want her to hide the videos she deletes in frustration, I want to share the journey, every step of it.
Yes, she finds this difficult. And though it breaks my heart to see her torment herself that way, it also fills me with so much pride. She is willing to endure this emotional agony for me. Not only willing,, but so determined to do her best for me that she drives herself to tears. Icy doesnt cry easily or often.
Not only doesnt she cry easily, when she does, she still doesnt really want to admit it. sitting doing that for me with tears running down her face was doubly hard for her....
Finding the words for this is difficult. D/s is about challenge and growth. there are submissives out there who would have the same problem when faced with the prospect of, for example, fisting, waterboarding, a CNC scene. Confronted with thse options, Icy has no problems at all, is eager to try. Her own difficulites come from her self consciousness, fear of failure and fear of rejection.
I don't care what words she said when she sent that recording, only that she said them.
I don't care if it takes another year, another ten, for her to get there, I am confident she will. And there will be other challenges on our journey together. We will overcome them, together.
What I do care about is that my little girl brought herself to tears trying to be what she has always been, good enough for me. I care that she pours every ounce of her being into our relationship, that she always without fail gives me the very best of her ability. Not just in this, in everything we do.
Yes, it was hard to watch the woman I love cry. it was also one of the most beautiful sights I have ever been gifted.
Thank you, princess. I love you, and am so proud of you.
Recently she has made a comment on a thread touching on this topic. If you want to go read it, go find it - it's out there somewhere, shouldn't take you more than an hour to search out. She asked me to comment on the post, but as I had already planned to blog on this topic, I declined.
Believe it or not, my Icy is extremely self conscious. No, really, she is. She blushes a lot, finds it really hard to talk dirty or talk about sex. Quite a few times in the course of our relationship, we have tried something and she has literally frozen, unable to move, speak or even think. We overcome this with time and effort, and she grows in ability and confidence as we push and explore. Begging is perhaps the biggest challenge we have encountered to date.
Another sticking point is my little girls fear of failure. The idea of not being good enough, of letting me down, of failing, still weighs heavily on her mind. As such, when you couple this with her natural shyness, it is a self perpetuating cycle where when she freezes, she considers herself a failure which causes her to freeze.
The time it has taken to solve this matter is as much my fault as anything else. Watching someone you love literally break is not pleasant, and our attempts to teach her beggin have historically ended in me deciding "Let's do this another time." This was wrong. If I had persevered, and made her persevere, years ago, we would have nailed this particular problem by now. And the fact it has taken over three years just seems to cement into her pretty (but largely empty) little head that she will never get there. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, and sometimes kindness is the worst form of cruelty.
So, because she wants to overcome this difficulty, she decided to set the PM dare "practice" for herself. As above, if you want to find the dare, go look, it's on GetDare someplace.
We have made progress... to an extent. whereas a year ago she had no idea what was required, what to say at all, she can now present a plea in writing that is well done and thought out. However, it does take her several hours to do so, and costs her a lot of effort, but it is progress.
As such, I decided to try a next step. After she had written it out, she was to record herself begging. This one was much more difficult for her. The first time she did, she read back what she had written. The problem is that readin aloud can be monotonous, and she didn't like the emotionless monotone when she presented this to me.
Moving on from that, I told her instead to memorise what she had written, and record it from memory. And this is where her tendancy to freeze came and hit her hard. she just couldn't do it, as soon as she started recording her pretty (but largely empty) little mind went completely blank.
Of course, Icy being the girl she is, all the progress she has made automatically counts for nothing as soon as she hits a stumbling block. I mean, what does it matter if she has progressed in leaps and bounds over the past year? She hit a roadblack so she is a failure, she sucks, right?
Lordy, this blog is getting long, and I havent even touched on the main focus yet. but bear with me - or go read something else if you prefer, there are some really quite wonderful contributions just a little further down.
Still with me?
So drastic measures were required. And I took them. I told her to paste me the script, for want of a better term, she had written. She spent time and effort on it, and I wont have anything ym girl does for me go to waste. I then told her to discard it utterly and record a spur of the moment message where she gave me the bare bones of what she had written. A sentence or two would suffice.
She knew she would freeze. I knew she would freeze. She froze.
I told her that if she froze again, she would send me the video anyway, if she didnt say a word, I would watch her sit in silence. I watched her sit in silence.
Frustration, and a sense of failure, of being a failure, overtook my Icy at that point. And if I had a heart, it would have broken for her. But we spoke, and I explained to her how I felt - I will explain to you all as soon as I get to the end of this part - and she persevered. A few minutes later I was sent a video of my little girl.
Tears were running down her face, and she took a while to begin. Her voice was broken, her breathing ragged. And she did it. She begged me to allow her to suck my cock. Perhaps not the most inspried thing to ask for, but... well if you have ever had Icys mouth around your cock you will know what I mean... for the twelve seconds it takes me to kill you in a fit of jealous rage, she is mine.
The thing is... the whole blog up to this point has been background information. None of it is what I sat down here to say. But what I want to say makes no sense to anyone without the above information.
Basically, the point of this blog is to reiterate and reinforce what i told her. That and to let everyone know just how proud I am of her.
Some people find certain things easy. Others fid the same thing difficult, near to impssible. There are people who know exactly what to say, and those who cant find the words. More to the point, there are those who can beg so convincingly for anything at all, and not mean a word of it, those who can talk the talk, but have no emotion or connection with what they are saying.
I don't want any of these people. I want my little girl. I want her every success, her every failure. I don't want her to hide the videos she deletes in frustration, I want to share the journey, every step of it.
Yes, she finds this difficult. And though it breaks my heart to see her torment herself that way, it also fills me with so much pride. She is willing to endure this emotional agony for me. Not only willing,, but so determined to do her best for me that she drives herself to tears. Icy doesnt cry easily or often.
Not only doesnt she cry easily, when she does, she still doesnt really want to admit it. sitting doing that for me with tears running down her face was doubly hard for her....
Finding the words for this is difficult. D/s is about challenge and growth. there are submissives out there who would have the same problem when faced with the prospect of, for example, fisting, waterboarding, a CNC scene. Confronted with thse options, Icy has no problems at all, is eager to try. Her own difficulites come from her self consciousness, fear of failure and fear of rejection.
I don't care what words she said when she sent that recording, only that she said them.
I don't care if it takes another year, another ten, for her to get there, I am confident she will. And there will be other challenges on our journey together. We will overcome them, together.
What I do care about is that my little girl brought herself to tears trying to be what she has always been, good enough for me. I care that she pours every ounce of her being into our relationship, that she always without fail gives me the very best of her ability. Not just in this, in everything we do.
Yes, it was hard to watch the woman I love cry. it was also one of the most beautiful sights I have ever been gifted.
Thank you, princess. I love you, and am so proud of you.
Total Comments 4
Comments
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Thank you for sharing this. It is very beautiful. I'm glad she has you and you two love each other. I may speak well and have the heart behind it too, but I don't have much else to say because I am speechless. Thank you.Posted 08-21-2018 at 02:13 PM by Joan Sky 
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love you both and now that Icy can beg she can do my share
Posted 08-21-2018 at 02:47 PM by Heart
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Thank you for writing this. I struggle with the idea of failure and not being good enough constantly. It's nice to know I am not alone and that someone I look up to on here is struggling from the same thing. Icey you are amazing. I know how hard those freezes are and the fact you could come back from one like that is incredible.Posted 08-23-2018 at 05:19 AM by Wedgiebondagebabe
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Apparently I didn't comment on this either...I don't really have any words other than thank you for always helping, guiding, supporting and taking care of me. I love you.Posted 10-12-2018 at 09:52 AM by IceMaiden
