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The Sorry Spiral

Posted 06-26-2019 at 03:06 PM by PrincessJessica
Tags depression

The Sorry Spiral

One of the things I end up saying a lot of lately is “sorry”. Being a British male with the bumbling apologetic nature of Hugh Grant (even if not his looks) it seems to be a default position to feel guilty about not getting to do something as early as I’d like; particularly if that “something” is for someone else. For the last month I’ve been taking a mini-break from doing dares and now find myself saying it a lot on here too.

One of my worst habits is procrastinating. I’ll put off tasks that require some thought power, or particularly ones for someone else, to do at a later date because I feel sleepy now. I spend a lot of time feeling sleepy. I instead escape to the safety of make-believe worlds; building towns or pretending to be a world-class sportsman on video games. It’s safe, relaxing and I usually don’t mind too much whether I lose when very tired (and much of it becomes muscle memory that it’s one of the few things I feel able to do & enjoy when tired).

Of course, that escape does bring it’s problems as I don’t get the original thing done that I wanted to. This makes me feel guilty which, if I go on long enough like this, then makes me feel depressed. How can I take so long over a simple task!? Then not only am I too tired to do it I’m also simply not in the mood so the downward spiral continues; indeed usually worsening as I even procrastinate about going to bed.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy sleep. Cuddling up to my pillow, feeling snuggly and safe and letting my mind take a break. There’s nothing not to like but I find myself staying up well gone Midnight (self-imposing that particular rule is proving trickier than expected). I’ve explained it to myself that I don’t want tomorrow to come; I’ve not got the tasks done that I want so if I can stay awake through the night then I won’t have to deal with any guilty feelings that arise from it.

At least that’s how I explain it to myself. When spiralling into an endless loop of procrastinating about things > failing to do them > getting depressed so feeling even less like doing them it doesn’t help that I have an analytical mind. I want to know why I’m doing things that are evidently bad for me even though I know it’s not going to help. I suppose this is a common problem as it describes quite a wide range of mental issues.

It tends to take me a while to get out of my depression spiral. In the last case a whole month. I’ll begin doing the tasks that I wanted to do all that time ago and usually really struggle with self-confidence as I do them. Argh, that isn’t right! I can’t send that! Certainly, in the case of GetDare, I know most reasonable people are understanding. I honestly don’t mind if people take a while doing my dares as I know they have lives outside of play. I imagine most people are similar to myself; it’s great to get a report or acknowledgement of a done dare and it doesn’t matter too much how long after it happens.

Of course, I know the answer is to not stress about getting things wrong too much in the first instance. Take a break if I’m tired, get an early night and try again tomorrow. It sounds so simple yet even with early nights I still often feel the same tomorrow. When the reward doesn’t consistently come it’s hard to stay motivated to keep doing the right things. I have to admit talking about it helps and I know it’s not the worst habit in the world so shouldn’t be the trickiest to fix. For now, all I can say is “sorry” to all those that have written me lovely well thought out dares (or even just spammed a few words at me from PM dares) that I’ve been, and will probably be in the future, slow to complete. I’m busy being silly and spiralling.
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  1. Old Comment
    Consensus's Avatar
    Ooof, i feel you here.

    *appropriate gesture of support*
    Posted 07-09-2019 at 02:23 PM by Consensus Consensus is offline
 

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