A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
I feel pretty
I have always struggled with self confidence and self esteem. I have never believed that I was pretty, let alone beautiful. Other than my mom, I was never called either of those words growing up, or in my 6 year relationship with my ex.
The only time I was ever called beautiful was by men who wanted sex from me. So when I met Asslvr and he called me those things, I banned the word beautiful. I always felt that the only reason somebody said that word to me was to get something from me, it didn’t feel genuine, it couldn’t be true because of course I wasn’t beautiful.
Instead of calling me beautiful, Asslvr used other words like cute, adorable, pretty and sexy. Overtime, although I didn’t believe those words were true, I started to believe that he believed them, which was a huge step. I believed that when he looked at me, he saw those things. I still struggled with days where I felt like he was lying, but it was becoming easier and easier to believe he saw those things in me.
I didn’t think I would ever get to a place where I could feel that way about myself, but not long after I moved here, I started to say things like “Good thing I’m cute”. I was starting to feel some of those things. After awhile, Asslvr started to rebel and would use the “b” word even though it was banned. He would tell me I looked beautiful when I got all dressed up.
A few months ago, we had engagement photos taken. I was extremely nervous because I have had professional photos taken before, and I just felt fat and ugly and when I looked at those photos I cringed. Asslvr kept reassuring me that the pictures would turn out great and that I was beautiful. After spending two hours with our photographer, I have never felt so beautiful. It felt so natural to be there with Asslvr and she was so incredibly supportive and encouraging.
When I got those photos back, I loved 95% of them. I looked pretty. I felt pretty. I have never looked so radiant and happy. I have to give credit to Asslvr. I don’t think I could have felt that way about myself, if it weren’t for him.
Even after that experience, I was nervous to go wedding dress shopping. I had an awful experience going prom dress shopping in high school and I kept having flashbacks to that. I was scared I wouldn’t be able to try on dresses because I am larger than the average sample dress size. I was scared I was going to look even bigger putting on a huge dress. I was scared I wouldn’t find something that I would feel amazing in.
I asked Asslvr several times if he would still marry me if I looked awful. He assured me that no matter what I wore, I would be beautiful walking down that aisle. Knowing that, it made it easier to go try on dresses. It also helped that my mom, best friend (maid of honor) and my cousin (bridesmaid) flew here to go with me. I had my biggest support system there with me.
At the first store, I was surprised to see how many dresses I could try on, and I found one that I felt pretty good in. I didn’t have that “This is the dress moment” but I would have been happy wearing that dress. The next day we went to a second store and I tried on 10 more dresses. I was so relieved to actually fit into them but I kept comparing them to the dress from the day before and nothing was coming close.
My consultant had me go back in the room and she said she had one more dress I could try. Before it even was brought into the room, I could hear my mom say “That is the one, she is going to love it”. When the lady brought it in, I wasn’t 100% sold. I had tried on another one that was similar on top and wasn’t sold on it, but I loved the bottom and put it on anyways. As I walked out of the room I felt like a princess for the first time in my life. As I turned around and looked at myself in the mirror, I was shocked. This wasn’t me!
The consultant put a tiara on my head and a veil in my hair and I knew it was my dress. I felt beautiful.
I am very self conscious about my arms and I always like to keep them covered, but this dress was strapless and I didn’t even notice my arms while I was at the salon. All I saw was that radiant happy glow, and my princess dress. Of course I said “yes to the dress” and the lady had me close my eyes and picture my wedding day and make a wish as I rang the wedding bell.
I didn’t really know what to wish for, my dreams have already come true. I have my prince charming, and I feel like a real life princess. I can’t wait to put that dress on and walk down the aisle and marry him.
The only time I was ever called beautiful was by men who wanted sex from me. So when I met Asslvr and he called me those things, I banned the word beautiful. I always felt that the only reason somebody said that word to me was to get something from me, it didn’t feel genuine, it couldn’t be true because of course I wasn’t beautiful.
Instead of calling me beautiful, Asslvr used other words like cute, adorable, pretty and sexy. Overtime, although I didn’t believe those words were true, I started to believe that he believed them, which was a huge step. I believed that when he looked at me, he saw those things. I still struggled with days where I felt like he was lying, but it was becoming easier and easier to believe he saw those things in me.
I didn’t think I would ever get to a place where I could feel that way about myself, but not long after I moved here, I started to say things like “Good thing I’m cute”. I was starting to feel some of those things. After awhile, Asslvr started to rebel and would use the “b” word even though it was banned. He would tell me I looked beautiful when I got all dressed up.
A few months ago, we had engagement photos taken. I was extremely nervous because I have had professional photos taken before, and I just felt fat and ugly and when I looked at those photos I cringed. Asslvr kept reassuring me that the pictures would turn out great and that I was beautiful. After spending two hours with our photographer, I have never felt so beautiful. It felt so natural to be there with Asslvr and she was so incredibly supportive and encouraging.
When I got those photos back, I loved 95% of them. I looked pretty. I felt pretty. I have never looked so radiant and happy. I have to give credit to Asslvr. I don’t think I could have felt that way about myself, if it weren’t for him.
Even after that experience, I was nervous to go wedding dress shopping. I had an awful experience going prom dress shopping in high school and I kept having flashbacks to that. I was scared I wouldn’t be able to try on dresses because I am larger than the average sample dress size. I was scared I was going to look even bigger putting on a huge dress. I was scared I wouldn’t find something that I would feel amazing in.
I asked Asslvr several times if he would still marry me if I looked awful. He assured me that no matter what I wore, I would be beautiful walking down that aisle. Knowing that, it made it easier to go try on dresses. It also helped that my mom, best friend (maid of honor) and my cousin (bridesmaid) flew here to go with me. I had my biggest support system there with me.
At the first store, I was surprised to see how many dresses I could try on, and I found one that I felt pretty good in. I didn’t have that “This is the dress moment” but I would have been happy wearing that dress. The next day we went to a second store and I tried on 10 more dresses. I was so relieved to actually fit into them but I kept comparing them to the dress from the day before and nothing was coming close.
My consultant had me go back in the room and she said she had one more dress I could try. Before it even was brought into the room, I could hear my mom say “That is the one, she is going to love it”. When the lady brought it in, I wasn’t 100% sold. I had tried on another one that was similar on top and wasn’t sold on it, but I loved the bottom and put it on anyways. As I walked out of the room I felt like a princess for the first time in my life. As I turned around and looked at myself in the mirror, I was shocked. This wasn’t me!
The consultant put a tiara on my head and a veil in my hair and I knew it was my dress. I felt beautiful.
I am very self conscious about my arms and I always like to keep them covered, but this dress was strapless and I didn’t even notice my arms while I was at the salon. All I saw was that radiant happy glow, and my princess dress. Of course I said “yes to the dress” and the lady had me close my eyes and picture my wedding day and make a wish as I rang the wedding bell.
I didn’t really know what to wish for, my dreams have already come true. I have my prince charming, and I feel like a real life princess. I can’t wait to put that dress on and walk down the aisle and marry him.
Total Comments 8
Comments
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Let me just feel happy for you.
Go for it!Posted 06-29-2016 at 03:35 PM by sir stefan 
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Congrats to you both and just know you will be happy with him.Posted 06-29-2016 at 03:41 PM by Kisune Karnon
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I'm SO glad to two have each other and that you're making each other happy! It's really a wonderful thing that you two bring out the best in each other (and I'm honored to have been able to play a role in that, however small it might have been)Posted 06-29-2016 at 10:11 PM by pet monkey
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I love this! I'm so happy to see you accepting yourself.
And yes, you are beautiful.
Posted 07-01-2016 at 03:02 AM by IceMaiden
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This was very sweet! Being beautiful is all about feeling beautiful. You're going to feel, and thus be, beautiful on your wedding day!Posted 07-01-2016 at 11:03 AM by drwarschauu
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As I told you the other night, you played a bigger part than I think you realize. Thank you for your support and just know I am so very happy for you and proud of you!Quote:Originally Posted by colosubguy
I'm SO glad to two have each other and that you're making each other happy! It's really a wonderful thing that you two bring out the best in each other (and I'm honored to have been able to play a role in that, however small it might have been)Posted 07-01-2016 at 05:28 PM by Butterfly
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Thank you everybody for your kind words. This was a huge step for me and I can't wait to share photos of our wedding with our close friends.
Posted 07-01-2016 at 05:29 PM by Butterfly
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Congratulations!
And I'm happy to read you are overcoming your self-consciousness!Posted 11-06-2016 at 09:26 AM by Jaro
