It's All About Me

As part of a new, and temporary rule, I've effectively got to blog about something I'm uncomfortable talking about for the next 5 days...and there's nothing I'm more uncomfortable talking about than myself so let's start there.

I'd say I'm pretty introverted, I don't open up about myself easily and I suppose struggle making long-term relationships. Like anyone with a passing interest in psychology, I blame my childhood Commitment issues probably meant I unconsciously (or somewhat consciously probably) held back a bit of myself from the wider world. You can't get hurt if you don't put yourself out there I suppose was my unofficial motto and one, looking back, I regret. I may not have got "actively" hurt but passively gained far less than I probably should have earlier in life.

By my late teens, I'd rather begun to learn my lessons. I was never going to be a party-going laugh-a-minute kinda guy but slowly the walls I'd built up to protect myself crumbled. My mid-late teens were, like most people, when I found "myself". I gained a bit of confidence, both in the things I wanted to do more (like letting people in more) but also accepting things I was never going to be good at (like being overly extroverted).

Despite that, though it was around this time I stumbled across the "kink world". It's not something that immediately appealed to me for obvious reasons. I'm no good at mentally stripping off, let alone physically yet somehow found myself drawn to it. I've always liked the fringe/taboo side of society as that's where all the fun seems to happen I quite quickly found out just how much fun; first sending a few naked pics of myself after chatting with people online, upping to webcam shows and then my first Mistress. It was liberating and, in some ways, therapeutic. I could open up, be myself, without any real judgement. Sure not everyone thinks I'm hot (hell I don't) but who cares what someone I'm never going to meet thinks and someone else will think I'm worth at least a little bit of their time to share in my interests.

Things were largely going in the right direction until University hit. A badly chosen course and a bit of homesickness knocked my new found confidence. Eventually though, after many difficulties, I managed to self-right switching universities and courses to get through university and, so I thought, on with life. It's at this point that I was knocked back again with an illness I'm still gripped with; frequently shattered & nauseous at even the tiniest exertion I was forced to retreat back into a rather lonely life (that I very slowly feel/hope I can climb back out of).

It was during this time (around 6 months ago) when I re-found my kink side that had largely gone dormant through the stressful University years. Partly I suppose to find that connection to someone/something, partly to break up the mundanity of life but largely as it's something that I really enjoy (no matter how much I occasionally try to repress it). I like how being submissive makes me feel, an escape from the pain of decisions into an exciting world of obediently trying to please someone else. I've even found that, although it doesn't come naturally to me, domming other's is a lot of fun too. Thinking of creative tasks & making other's squirm and suffer is more fun than I imagined. I hope to find out what else I like over the next months/years and explore my kink side more.

So 1 blog down, 4 more to go. I'm not sure if that was a short kink & background introduction to me or more of a therapy session placed in the wrong place of the internet. I am sure that it's taking all my strength not to click the delete button and open up a little less though! As fragile as I often am I don't tend to do things at half-measures when I like/commit to something, I don't know my limits until I go that little bit too far so I'm looking forward to exploring.

To anyone who's managed to navigate that ramble, thanks! I'd also like to thank Pariahterror, and by extension Butterfly, for opening up first and providing that feeling of safety/acceptance. Life rarely goes to plan but we're all stuck here together so why not share the occossional feelings, no matter how uncomfortable they may be.