His Eyes vs My Eyes.
My past mirror:
I think I am ugly. Unintelligent. Not worth it. Broken beyond repair. I think that I'm too fat. That my hair isn't pretty enough. That I'm not helpful, not kind, not funny, not a good friend or sub or domme or parent. That I don't deserve good things. That I don't deserve love or happiness.
His past mirror:
He thinks I am beautiful. Smart. Worth it. That my body is perfect. That my hair is gorgeous. That my face is delicious. That I'm kind, caring, funny, a wonderful person, a wonderful friend, sub and parent. That I deserve the best of everything. That I deserve to be loved, adored and cherished. That I deserve all the happiness in the world.
Almost four years ago, AM and I had very different views of myself. How could it work between us, then? When we so far apart in our thoughts, when everything he loved about me I hated?
With patience. With care. With assurance. With love. With the ogre bopping me on the head until I started to believe his words. It wasn't easy, not at all. It was a long drawn out process. I disputed every kind and encouraging word he said. I told him he was biased and had to say those things because he was my Dom. I told him that he was obviously insane to think those things about me. I questioned why he did. Even when he told me why, I couldn't understand how. How could he love me? Impossible! I told him he could do far better than me.
But AM is a patient (read: stubborn) man. He countered every one of my points. He told me to stop being such a twat. He told me to see myself the way that he did. And I tried, I really tried. But I just couldn't. It was too hard. Years of self hatred made it impossible. I simply couldn't fathom how he could think I was so wonderful or beautiful.
Time passed as it always does and without realizing it, my self hatred became a little less with each day that went by. He constantly told me how beautiful I was, he told me daily that he loved me. He made sure that he told me how much he appreciated me. How he didn't just love my body and perving over me whenever I sent him videos or pictures or played on camera with him, but that he appreciated me for me. And slowly I began to believe him...just a little bit. A teensy tiny bit.
One day I looked in the mirror and my first thought was my butt is far too big how disgusting...immediately followed with the thought of "He loves it. He thinks it is beautiful. He doesn't lie to me so...maybe it isn't as bad as I see?" I raised my eyes upwards and stared at my face in the mirror. And I didn't immediately think "How disgustingly ugly." I thought "Maybe I'm not that bad...?" And I smiled for the first time looking in the mirror in many, many years.
That was a huge turning point. There was still a very long way to go, I didn't by any means love or accept myself. But I hated myself just a little less.
More time passed and one day I realized that I didn't even remember the last time I had insulted myself. I didn't remember the last time I had told myself I didn't deserve to be happy. In fact, quite often I had been telling AM he was lucky to have me. When I first said that to him it wasn't meant seriously and I didn't really believe it. But now I was starting to.
Almost four years being together with AM and not once has he ever given up on me. Not once has he made me feel bad about myself. There isn't a single time where I have said something derogatory about myself that he hasn't immediately countered. And so my mirror changed. I didn't expect it to and I never saw it coming. But it did. And while it isn't quite the same as his, which has never changed, it is much more similar than my past mirror.
My mirror:
I think I look okay. Intelligent. Worth it. Not broken, but a work in progress. I think my body is improving. That my hair is quite pretty. That I'm helpful, kind, funny, a good friend, sub, domme and parent. I deserve good things. I deserve to love and be loved. I deserve happiness.
He gave me two of the biggest gifts I could ever have. Himself. And the courage to believe in myself.
I think I am ugly. Unintelligent. Not worth it. Broken beyond repair. I think that I'm too fat. That my hair isn't pretty enough. That I'm not helpful, not kind, not funny, not a good friend or sub or domme or parent. That I don't deserve good things. That I don't deserve love or happiness.
His past mirror:
He thinks I am beautiful. Smart. Worth it. That my body is perfect. That my hair is gorgeous. That my face is delicious. That I'm kind, caring, funny, a wonderful person, a wonderful friend, sub and parent. That I deserve the best of everything. That I deserve to be loved, adored and cherished. That I deserve all the happiness in the world.
Almost four years ago, AM and I had very different views of myself. How could it work between us, then? When we so far apart in our thoughts, when everything he loved about me I hated?
With patience. With care. With assurance. With love. With the ogre bopping me on the head until I started to believe his words. It wasn't easy, not at all. It was a long drawn out process. I disputed every kind and encouraging word he said. I told him he was biased and had to say those things because he was my Dom. I told him that he was obviously insane to think those things about me. I questioned why he did. Even when he told me why, I couldn't understand how. How could he love me? Impossible! I told him he could do far better than me.
But AM is a patient (read: stubborn) man. He countered every one of my points. He told me to stop being such a twat. He told me to see myself the way that he did. And I tried, I really tried. But I just couldn't. It was too hard. Years of self hatred made it impossible. I simply couldn't fathom how he could think I was so wonderful or beautiful.
Time passed as it always does and without realizing it, my self hatred became a little less with each day that went by. He constantly told me how beautiful I was, he told me daily that he loved me. He made sure that he told me how much he appreciated me. How he didn't just love my body and perving over me whenever I sent him videos or pictures or played on camera with him, but that he appreciated me for me. And slowly I began to believe him...just a little bit. A teensy tiny bit.
One day I looked in the mirror and my first thought was my butt is far too big how disgusting...immediately followed with the thought of "He loves it. He thinks it is beautiful. He doesn't lie to me so...maybe it isn't as bad as I see?" I raised my eyes upwards and stared at my face in the mirror. And I didn't immediately think "How disgustingly ugly." I thought "Maybe I'm not that bad...?" And I smiled for the first time looking in the mirror in many, many years.
That was a huge turning point. There was still a very long way to go, I didn't by any means love or accept myself. But I hated myself just a little less.
More time passed and one day I realized that I didn't even remember the last time I had insulted myself. I didn't remember the last time I had told myself I didn't deserve to be happy. In fact, quite often I had been telling AM he was lucky to have me. When I first said that to him it wasn't meant seriously and I didn't really believe it. But now I was starting to.
Almost four years being together with AM and not once has he ever given up on me. Not once has he made me feel bad about myself. There isn't a single time where I have said something derogatory about myself that he hasn't immediately countered. And so my mirror changed. I didn't expect it to and I never saw it coming. But it did. And while it isn't quite the same as his, which has never changed, it is much more similar than my past mirror.
My mirror:
I think I look okay. Intelligent. Worth it. Not broken, but a work in progress. I think my body is improving. That my hair is quite pretty. That I'm helpful, kind, funny, a good friend, sub, domme and parent. I deserve good things. I deserve to love and be loved. I deserve happiness.
He gave me two of the biggest gifts I could ever have. Himself. And the courage to believe in myself.
Total Comments 9
Comments
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I'm so glad you don't hate yourself anymore. And AM is lucky to have you.
I'm so glad he showed you just how amazing you are. Because you are amazing.Posted 03-05-2019 at 07:49 AM by LitDarkness 
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That was so lovely to read! I'm glad you are being much kinder to yourself
Posted 03-05-2019 at 08:06 AM by LittleMissSass
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This is such an amazingly beautiful post. Thank you so very much for allowing us in. I'm so glad you have such a wonderful support and that you have allowed yourself to see with his eyes.
"The eye sees not so clearly itself but by reflection."Posted 03-05-2019 at 08:10 AM by Faithfullyyours
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love this blog and I love you!!!Posted 03-05-2019 at 08:46 AM by Heart
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Always so happy to read about your perfect relationship. I know this isn't focused on your kinks, but I still believe kinky relationships can really be the best just because there is so much trust and openness involved.
I am am glad you have become more positive about yourself!Posted 03-05-2019 at 12:07 PM by Jaro
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This is something that I can fully sympathize with. When I first met Mr. Devious, I felt like I was broken beyond repair. I had absolutely zero self confidence and I thought I was unlovable. It took me so long to believe that HE loved me, that HE thought I was beautiful, that HE believed in me. Even if I didn't believe those things of myself, HE did!
Once I sorted that out, very (VERY) slowly over time, I was able to start to love myself, believe in myself, and thing positive things. Hearing those words, even when I disputed them, worked to wipe out the negative messages I had heard my whole life and replaced with positive things. It happened so slowly I didn't realize it.
This is so lovely to read. Thank you for sharing. I am so glad you are finally able to see yourself the way he has seen you all along. Which is the same way that we have always seen you too.Posted 03-05-2019 at 12:38 PM by Butterfly
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What a powerful blog. Thank you for sharing such a deep thought, your journey and how you came through it using someone else's perspective.
I love the five rules and all are true. Learn to love yourself and your idiosyncrasies. Everyone is special in their own way and everyone has a part to play in the world.
Perfect
Posted 03-05-2019 at 02:25 PM by MastersVoice
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You did all the work, princess, all I did was stand over you while you did it. I want you to know what you are worth, but if you ever 100% believe just how wonderful you are I am going to have to beat it out of you, you would be intolerable.
I love you princess, you are beautiful.Posted 03-05-2019 at 02:33 PM by AbusiveMaster
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Quote:Originally Posted by LitDarkness
I'm so glad you don't hate yourself anymore. And AM is lucky to have you.
I'm so glad he showed you just how amazing you are. Because you are amazing.
Thank you!
Thank you, it has been a long time coming.Quote:Originally Posted by LittleMissSass
That was so lovely to read! I'm glad you are being much kinder to yourself
Thank you, that quote is so true and one that I have always loved.Quote:Originally Posted by Faithfullyyours
This is such an amazingly beautiful post. Thank you so very much for allowing us in. I'm so glad you have such a wonderful support and that you have allowed yourself to see with his eyes.
"The eye sees not so clearly itself but by reflection."
I love you too ♡Quote:Originally Posted by IHeartFun
love this blog and I love you!!!
I agree 100%. I think the amount of trust and openness needed for a d/s relationship will always make it the best type of relationship to be in. Thank you, me toooo!Quote:Originally Posted by Jaro
Always so happy to read about your perfect relationship. I know this isn't focused on your kinks, but I still believe kinky relationships can really be the best just because there is so much trust and openness involved.
I am am glad you have become more positive about yourself!
I don't think I realized for a looooong time either, certainly not before I started thinking I don't think so but he does! They are pretty amazing.Quote:Originally Posted by Butterfly
This is something that I can fully sympathize with. When I first met Mr. Devious, I felt like I was broken beyond repair. I had absolutely zero self confidence and I thought I was unlovable. It took me so long to believe that HE loved me, that HE thought I was beautiful, that HE believed in me. Even if I didn't believe those things of myself, HE did!
Once I sorted that out, very (VERY) slowly over time, I was able to start to love myself, believe in myself, and thing positive things. Hearing those words, even when I disputed them, worked to wipe out the negative messages I had heard my whole life and replaced with positive things. It happened so slowly I didn't realize it.
This is so lovely to read. Thank you for sharing. I am so glad you are finally able to see yourself the way he has seen you all along. Which is the same way that we have always seen you too.
Yes! Special should be celebrated and embraced and I think it is beautiful how people can help others realize just how important they are.Quote:Originally Posted by MastersVoice
What a powerful blog. Thank you for sharing such a deep thought, your journey and how you came through it using someone else's perspective.
I love the five rules and all are true. Learn to love yourself and your idiosyncrasies. Everyone is special in their own way and everyone has a part to play in the world.
Perfect
Quote:Originally Posted by AbusiveMaster
You did all the work, princess, all I did was stand over you while you did it. I want you to know what you are worth, but if you ever 100% believe just how wonderful you are I am going to have to beat it out of you, you would be intolerable.
I love you princess, you are beautiful.
Is a beating meant to be a deterrant? I love you too.Posted 03-24-2019 at 07:44 AM by IceMaiden
