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I need my Mommy

Posted 06-10-2018 at 05:35 PM by Foxy Rose

I need my Mommy.

Yup, you read that right. For the first time in a long time, I'm saying it out loud. The shitty part of it? She's never coming back. We'll never get to talk, or hug, or be together again.

It's been over a year that she's no longer here and I have all this emotions pent up inside. I'm angry at you, mom. You never looked after yourself but always focussed on your family. When you finally got help, you end up knowing you weren't going to make it.

I was the one who found you, marching in front of that stupid wall, for who knows how long before I got to you!? Seeing you so vulnerable. You were like a mad person and I'm mad at you for not letting us take care of you.

I will never hear your voice again. You'll never get to be at my wedding. We will never share mother-daughter things in preparation for my wedding, one day. You will never be a grandmother and you always joked that us 3 kids need to hurry up and make some babies already.

The Sunday before you got sick, me and you were sitting on your bed, discussing the latest murder. How someone can so heartlessly kill another person and how this girl now no longer has her mother. I even said to you that I don't know what I'll do if you ever died. Not knowing 5 days later you'll end up in hospital and 10 days after that, you'd take your last breath.

Momma, it's my fault. I should've taken better care of you. I should've known something was wrong. I should've insisted on taking you to see a doctor. Why, you stupid woman, were you so damn stubborn?

At least I know where this trait comes from and no one who knows me, can deny that I'm your daughter. Mom, I wish I had one more moment with you, the you you were before you went. The kind, loving mom. Always doing my laundry, making my lunch for work, having dinner ready when I got home from work. Getting up at 5:30am to make me coffee and breakfast before work. Listening, without judgement to my shitty day at work. Spending the whole day messaging and still had so much left to say at the end of the day.

You were my best friend and no one can or will ever take your place.

I know you got sick from all the worries and I should never have said anything but you always insisted on knowing and making me feel better.

We'll never joke about our favourite line from our movie "ahhh it's a bun cake". I miss our lame jokes that we laughed about. Momma, I don't understand why you left when you did. Yes, our family unit love and have more compassion for each other and even grew closer and talk and see each other more but it has broken me. I will never be worthy of another person.

You always knew who was and wasn't for me. Now I'll never know if you approve of this one. A few weeks after you died, I asked God to give me a sign that you're okay. He did when that bird flew to the ground and walked, fearlessly, towards me.

It hurts like hell, mommy! I need you here, right now, to comfort me and make everything bearable again. Life isn't fair. I am broken. But most of all...

I want my Mommy!
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    Butterfly's Avatar
    This is heartbreaking and I am so so sorry for your loss. Words really aren't enough so I won't try. But I want to give you a big hug and let you know that if you ever need a friend to talk to, I am here. Sending much love!
    Posted 06-10-2018 at 06:22 PM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Masterwants's Avatar
    The loss of a parent sucks, they leave a void that never gets filled, I know from personal experience. But it gets easier I promise over time and you focus on the fun times and events, you have dreams where they will be present, you do things that remind you of your parents, that kinda stuff.

    Keep strong, she would want that. If you need to offload or compare experiences feel free to message me.

    Big hugs.
    Posted 06-11-2018 at 08:48 AM by Masterwants Masterwants is offline
 

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