A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
Why doesn't my husband Dom me?
Posted 01-22-2022 at 07:19 PM by Butterfly
When people get to know me, and they learn that I have a kinky husband. A husband that I met through getDare, a husband who was once my Dom, they always wonder - why isn't he my Dom now? What happened?
In short my answer is that Mr. Devious loves me too much. I know that sounds silly. Mr. Devious is a wonderful Dom, but the love and the life that we share prevent him from being the best fit for me as a Dom.
Let me explain a little better ...
Finding time
When Mr. Devious and I first met, we lived 3500 km away from each other. We spent a year dating and "kinking" long distance with each other. Most of our conversations happened through text and on the phone. LONG phone calls and lots of late night play sessions. Everything was new and exciting and our priority was making time for each other - to make the relationship work (long distance is hard!!!).
When I made the moved to live with Mr. Devious, our priorities changed. We had to acclimate to being a "real" couple. We had to settle into a routine. I had to find a job and friends. Our lives became busier as we enjoyed spending time with each other. Though we still had playtime, a lot of the times, it was easier to just be comfortable and relax together. We fell into a pattern of Netflix and (actually) chill. I am not complaining! I love having somebody to cuddle and hang out with in my PJs. But neither of us having motivation to play, was an obstacle to a dynamic.
Holding me accountable
Having rules and structure outside of the bedroom is super important to me. Control is my biggest kink and I thrive on a small list of rules to be held to and then random acts of control thrown at me throughout my day/week. However, as Mr. Devious and I grew comfortable, even as we set a list of rules, it was easy for us to forget about them.
Another obstacle was if I did forget about a rule (or if Mr. Devious stopped checking, so I stopped engaging the rule), then all I needed to do was use my super cute voice or give a little pout and Mr. Devious would give in. I am his Butterfly and he doesn't want to upset me. He adores me and I usually get what I want. This makes me super happy most of the time, but of course that is a problem when it comes to a D/s relationship.
Making me hurt
Mr. Devious can definitely have a sadistic streak but he struggles with making me hurt. He loves me, he adores me, he worries about me. He does everything he can NOT to hurt me. I am not a masochist by any means, but I have learned to enjoy some forms of pain and it is something that I definitely want to explore more of. I also have learned that I need pain in order to go into subspace.
Pushing me outside of my comfort zone
As a sub (and a person), I believe that we should constantly be exploring and pushing ourselves in order to continue to grow. In order to do this, we need to be pushed outside our comfort zone. Just as Mr. Devious doesn't want to see me in physical pain, he struggles with putting me in situations that cause me mental anguish.
Our kinks don't quiet match
Mr. Devious loves some mild degradation and orgasm denial. Both of these things are huge hates/limits of mine. On the other hand, I have an interest in exploring gags (and I require somebody who can really push me into it) and Mr. Devious doesn't have much interest in it at all. Those are just a few off the top of my head, but Mr. Devious and I have interests that just don't line up and that's totally ok.
Because of all of these reasons, we have decided that it is best for me to look for another Dom to quench the submissive craving inside me. Mr. Devious has been happily exploring his Dom side with Rure for almost three years. Of course we still love each other. We have a very healthy and happy marriage. We still do kink in the bedroom together at times, we still sometimes have "little" time together and we have normal (or as "normal" as I can handle") sex as well.
This is what works for us!
In short my answer is that Mr. Devious loves me too much. I know that sounds silly. Mr. Devious is a wonderful Dom, but the love and the life that we share prevent him from being the best fit for me as a Dom.
Let me explain a little better ...
Finding time
When Mr. Devious and I first met, we lived 3500 km away from each other. We spent a year dating and "kinking" long distance with each other. Most of our conversations happened through text and on the phone. LONG phone calls and lots of late night play sessions. Everything was new and exciting and our priority was making time for each other - to make the relationship work (long distance is hard!!!).
When I made the moved to live with Mr. Devious, our priorities changed. We had to acclimate to being a "real" couple. We had to settle into a routine. I had to find a job and friends. Our lives became busier as we enjoyed spending time with each other. Though we still had playtime, a lot of the times, it was easier to just be comfortable and relax together. We fell into a pattern of Netflix and (actually) chill. I am not complaining! I love having somebody to cuddle and hang out with in my PJs. But neither of us having motivation to play, was an obstacle to a dynamic.
Holding me accountable
Having rules and structure outside of the bedroom is super important to me. Control is my biggest kink and I thrive on a small list of rules to be held to and then random acts of control thrown at me throughout my day/week. However, as Mr. Devious and I grew comfortable, even as we set a list of rules, it was easy for us to forget about them.
Another obstacle was if I did forget about a rule (or if Mr. Devious stopped checking, so I stopped engaging the rule), then all I needed to do was use my super cute voice or give a little pout and Mr. Devious would give in. I am his Butterfly and he doesn't want to upset me. He adores me and I usually get what I want. This makes me super happy most of the time, but of course that is a problem when it comes to a D/s relationship.
Making me hurt
Mr. Devious can definitely have a sadistic streak but he struggles with making me hurt. He loves me, he adores me, he worries about me. He does everything he can NOT to hurt me. I am not a masochist by any means, but I have learned to enjoy some forms of pain and it is something that I definitely want to explore more of. I also have learned that I need pain in order to go into subspace.
Pushing me outside of my comfort zone
As a sub (and a person), I believe that we should constantly be exploring and pushing ourselves in order to continue to grow. In order to do this, we need to be pushed outside our comfort zone. Just as Mr. Devious doesn't want to see me in physical pain, he struggles with putting me in situations that cause me mental anguish.
Our kinks don't quiet match
Mr. Devious loves some mild degradation and orgasm denial. Both of these things are huge hates/limits of mine. On the other hand, I have an interest in exploring gags (and I require somebody who can really push me into it) and Mr. Devious doesn't have much interest in it at all. Those are just a few off the top of my head, but Mr. Devious and I have interests that just don't line up and that's totally ok.
Because of all of these reasons, we have decided that it is best for me to look for another Dom to quench the submissive craving inside me. Mr. Devious has been happily exploring his Dom side with Rure for almost three years. Of course we still love each other. We have a very healthy and happy marriage. We still do kink in the bedroom together at times, we still sometimes have "little" time together and we have normal (or as "normal" as I can handle") sex as well.
This is what works for us!
Total Comments 7
Comments
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that last line .... is everything.Posted 01-24-2022 at 11:31 AM by Erikaeriksen 
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May I suggest another thing? The whole concept of "the comfort zone" becomes ... well, muddley-uppy... when you are a couple in the "one flesh" kind of sense. (As Biblical sentiments go, that one is a surprisingly deep one! Gen 2:24, if you want to go to the source.) In a deep relationship the comfort zone is where you are together - wherever you happen to be... So pushing someone out of the comfort zone is surprisingly difficult for many reasons! (You don't want to - and when you try to do it, you do it so nicely and lovingly that you don't do it... [My ex wanted me to use bad language - and I just couldn't say anything unkind to her!]... and if you manage to take a step further into the unknown... well, you are there together, safe... which sort of makes a mockery of the whole thing!)
[ugh. let me be clear: I am not of the religious persuasion, but that concept of one flesh has depth.]Posted 01-24-2022 at 12:35 PM by Cstelle
Updated 01-24-2022 at 12:45 PM by Cstelle (The Eternal Search For Clarity) -
Sounds similar to us. While my wife is changing and trying to Dom me, she loves me too much to hurt me. Thanks for sharing my friend.Posted 01-25-2022 at 05:59 AM by b69
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Isn't that the truth? Really the reasoning shouldn't matter as much as the fact that we are doing what works for our relationship. But I get this question a lot so I figured I would write about it.Quote:Originally Posted by Erikaeriksen
that last line .... is everything.
Plus, I know that a lot of IRL kinky couples feel very similarly to us.Posted 01-29-2022 at 02:02 PM by Butterfly
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That's very true. When he is my safe zone, it's hard to feel unsafe ...Quote:Originally Posted by Cstelle
May I suggest another thing? The whole concept of "the comfort zone" becomes ... well, muddley-uppy... when you are a couple in the "one flesh" kind of sense. (As Biblical sentiments go, that one is a surprisingly deep one! Gen 2:24, if you want to go to the source.) In a deep relationship the comfort zone is where you are together - wherever you happen to be... So pushing someone out of the comfort zone is surprisingly difficult for many reasons! (You don't want to - and when you try to do it, you do it so nicely and lovingly that you don't do it... [My ex wanted me to use bad language - and I just couldn't say anything unkind to her!]... and if you manage to take a step further into the unknown... well, you are there together, safe... which sort of makes a mockery of the whole thing!)
[ugh. let me be clear: I am not of the religious persuasion, but that concept of one flesh has depth.]Posted 01-29-2022 at 02:03 PM by Butterfly
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It's good to know we aren't alone. You're welcome, as always.Quote:Originally Posted by b69
Sounds similar to us. While my wife is changing and trying to Dom me, she loves me too much to hurt me. Thanks for sharing my friend.
Posted 01-29-2022 at 02:03 PM by Butterfly
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Reading your blog is always thought-provoking. A big killer of relationships is one or both parties being unable or unwilling to handle change, despite the fact that every life is marked by distinct periods of change, regardless of choices taken. Having that flexible strength with each other is an beautiful thing.
You've also been through incredibly much these past few years, which is scary to deal with, and bear, and find a right way forward... It's a testament to the strength of you both.
To see what you go through, then hurt you, even if a part of you needs it, is no easy thing.
Thank you, and love to ye both.Posted 02-21-2022 at 08:28 AM by StrawDog
