Dr. Cass replies: how do I stop getting dared and punished for failure?

Hello friends and readers,

When I recommend how to get in touch and get dared, I almost forget about the other option. Plenty of people only want to look around, have a partner, and don't want to get messaged by random strangers, let alone be dared.

One of those reached out to me asking for advice.

First of all, make sure you didn't post or blog anywhere to get dared recently, and anywhere you did edit or add that this is over.
I suppose you haven't posted in any "Person above..." or other dare me threads.

If you have a Likes and limits list in your signature, move it into a blog post instead and don't link it. While such a list doesn't say you want to be dared, people might mistake it as that or be tempted just by likes they share with you.

And of course, you can state in your signature that you don't want to be messaged or dared.

BUT, unfortunately, I know from own experience that this doesn't mean you are left alone. For everyone wondering, change the gender in your profile details to female, remove all indications that you are not female, and spent some active days and weeks on getDare. If you want to get closer to the picture, post in threads discriminating male and female, as a female.
The scientifically reproducable result is (leaning far out of the window here with the science), you are gonna be messaged and dared, not alone but including some very toxic people.

Stay away from toxic people. Keep the toxic people away from you!

I think it's very helpful for us all to notice and empathize with this real situation of many of our fellow getDarians, and see what we can do. It scares those precious fellow Humans away!

I would like to do the same for the male sub suffering from the result of their potential mistresses becoming sceptical to cynical from bad experiences up to disappearing in vast numbers, and many many other types suffering from that toxicity.

But for now, here is what YOU can do please:

Don't give up! Do me that favor. I know it isn't easy for you. But the fruits of exchanging with kinky peers here up to support and close friendships are totally worth it, and I am excluding any future partners given you are looking for that.
Also, you'll find that problem in most places on the internet.

Don't feel guilty. It's not your fault. We are still going to look what you can do, because it's way better to do something about a problem than only being exposed to it without any options.

Say No. Deny and reject. No one on getDare is under any obligation besides following the official rules (which include not bothering people with multiple messages unasked and unreplied and not insulting people unasked). No matter how submissive you feel, you are still a human being and a grown-up. You don't have to do anything just because a stranger tells you. It might be different when you are engaged with a partner and agreed on following orders (but even then... , well another topic). Even when you specifically asked for dares (or PM dares) or ran an add thread, there are always good and healthy reasons to NOT do what you were consensually dared to, besides your limits.
Your stated limits are not all your limits. There's always life, your situation and common sense.
I won't encourage anyone to drop any dare or order that you didn't want to get when you asked for them. This is the different thing. You tried your best. You are just overwhelmed. Life has happened. Or something else has happened.

OR plain easy, you had not fckng asked to be dared in the first place! Maybe even written in your signature that you don't want to be bothered that way in
BIG RED BOLD LETTERS
in size 7.
And still you'll get messaged and dared.

So pick up some confidence. You don't have to satisfy every jerk. You don't have to obey every random stranger, especially on the internet. You just can't!
You may and have to defend yourself. You have to care for yourself, and if someone wants to board your ship without your consent, push them aboard! You are the Captain of your life!
You are no less of a sub or a slave when you do. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise. Playing in a dominant/submissive relationship still is supposed to be consensual. We'd like to forget that, of course. It becomes important once you encounter or notice someone being a jerk or ass.
Protect yourself from harm. You don't necessarily need to always fight. There are simple actions you can always do:

Ignore a message or dare you haven't asked for. It may not sound polite but so is not reading, assuming things about you, or messaging strangers. If you are not in the mood for more than ignoring, just do that. Forget about them.

If you are in the mood, they haven't insulted you, wrote a very friendly, charming message, and you think they just might have overlooked your signs, you may reply, for example:
"No. Thank you for the dare but I don't want to be dared. May I ask what made you think I wanted to be dared?"
And then you may learn something and decrease how much you are being bothered.
Or plain: "No. Stop bothering me."
Simple and clear.

But, promised, that won't always work. So what can you do when you are messaged or dare by the same person again?

Block or Report. You can block people. Then you don't see their posts and messages anymore, just that they send you a message or made a post.
But more important, you can report offenders. If they do such wrong things like messaging you multiple times after no or just one reply from you (and maybe that asked them to stop), or worse: insult you, that's forbidden and toxic.

For the sake of you and all of us, we need to stop this. Reporting them is the tool for it. It also shares that burden with our very helpful, friendly and industrious fairies and angels of admins and moderators. You don't need to be 100% perfectly educated and sure about this infriction. You think it is one, then report it.

You deserve not to be bothered, dared or even insulted without asking for it. You haven't asked for it neither by being active here, identifying as a sub or slave, identifying as female nor anything else but clearly asking for it.

So many people haven't learned about CONSENT.
That you have a kink or sexual preference doesn't mean you want to satisfy those with anyone without both agreeing.
Makes me sad. But then I think, mah, still better than 200 years ago.