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Struggling with life.

Posted 06-07-2018 at 10:44 AM by Matt:
Updated 06-07-2018 at 10:53 AM by Matt:
Tags depression, sad

Warning, this is not going to be a cheery blog...

I am finding things quite tough at the moment, so thought maybe writing about it may help in some way, although I'm not sure it really will.

I hope this will make some kind of coherent sense, as I'm not very good at writing this kind of thing.

All my life I have been very shy, never having any confidence in social situations, not being able to interact in a normal way with people. I have since discovered that I do have aspergers syndrome, but only relatively recently, so I grew up just thinking I was an abnormal weirdo. But at least I now know there is a reason for some of my issues, not that it helps a lot. I do wonder if it had been discovered earlier weather it would have made a difference, perhaps things would not have been so bad. (I don't think I can blame all my issues on aspergers though, lots of people have it and do a lot better at life than me)

I never had any friends at school, no one I'd hang out with or talk too, no one to play game's with (other than my sister's who were older than me, so not in same classes or sometimes even same school) I was always the outsider always on my own. I dreaded any group activities (and still do) or anything that required me to interact with others.

During break times I watch everyone else talking, playing, laughing together and having fun, while I just stood on my own wishing I could disappear and wondering why I was so abnormal, why I couldn't be like them, what was wrong with me.

Being such an outsider did lead to some bullying, but as I kept so much to myself and away from others, this was not a major issue.

I absolutely hated school and this obviously had an effect on my studies, some of which required group work / presentations, which I was hopeless at. I got okay/average results in my exams, but not that great.

Which has had a knock on effect on my working life, as without good qualifications, I've been limited in what jobs I can apply for (not to mention that I'm terrible at interviews and a lot of them require you to demonstrate good team working and communication abilities!!) so I'm basically stuck in not very good jobs that I don't really enjoy just to make ends meet with no hope of progress.

It's my inability to make friends, have normal social interaction and lack of any real emotion that I find the most hard to deal with and very depressing. To this day I still have no friends who I can socialise with, talk too, go out with, do stuff with etc.. If Sam is not available I have no one I can phone up and talk too.

Until I met Sam in my late 30's I had never had even the slightest intimate relationship, never kissed, never held hands, never hugged or anything.

I am eternally grateful for the relationship I have with Sam, (I still to this day have no idea how that happened, why she would pick me!) as without her, I honestly am not sure how I would cope. She is the only person I can be totally honest with. My family are great, but while they obviously know that I'm shy and don't have a lot of friends, they don't have a clue how much I am struggling, how tough I am finding life.

I have thought about taking to my parents about it, but just don't know how and don't want them to stress or think the way I am is their fault. My Dad's not that long ago had a big heart attack, so I just don't want to give them more things to worry about.

I also struggle with emotions, or rather lack of them! I basically don't seem to have any. I see people getting happy, sad, angry, falling in love and I just don't get any of that. I can't remember ever genuinely crying, no matter how down I get. I've sometimes even tried to force myself, but that doesn't work. I just don't understand emotions, I find having empathy hard, I don't know how to react or what to say when something bad happens to someone else. And it scares me, how I'll react if something terrible happens to one of my family. This is going to sound terrible, but I don't even know if I'll feel sad. I know I'll miss them of course, but will I actually be able to morn?

This is going to sound bad again, but I say I love Sam, but I have no idea what "love" is. I care for her a lot, but do I really feel love for her? I don't know. Is it even possible for me to fall in love? Or have a normal romantic relationship?

I get so down and depressed about it, that I find it very hard to get motivation to do anything, even basic things, even eating sometimes is hard. It's takes all my willpower just to go through the motions doing the bare minimum, such as getting up and going to work. I don't want to exaggerate it, but there are occasions when I really hate my life and thought what is the point of it all. Bad thoughts have crossed my mind during these times (but I would not act on them due to how it would effect my family)

I have to find something, almost anything to try and take my mind off my situation so I just don't think about it and get into a downward spiral. Which is where the pm dares, tasks from thread's and rules are useful in just keeping me busy, giving me something to do so I don't dwell on the state of my life. I sometimes wonder if it is entirely healthy, but I just don't know any other way.

I find any kind of social gathering very different and always feel very uncomfortable to the point where I try to avoid them if at all possible. I just get so down watching others talking and laughing together, couples looking so happy together and people having fun. Knowing I will never be able to be like that, not understanding why I have to be so awkward and socially inept. Why even making conversation is so difficult for me.

Sorry this ended up a lot longer and more depressing than I thought.
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    Cstelle's Avatar
    Don't try to define "love" or whatever. Don't even think about such things. Take the hugs. Give the hugs. Don't try to put a value on them. Don't second guess yourself. Don't try to understand yourself. Don't try to look behind the curtains. The fact is this: just like poets are notoriously bad at understanding their own poems, so people are almost completely incapable of understanding themselves.

    (Want to know yourself? Ask a loved one.)

    Take what is given. Make your hugs as warm as you can. The rest will take care of itself. I promise.

    Signed: Speaking with some experience
    Posted 06-07-2018 at 12:19 PM by Cstelle Cstelle is offline
  2. Old Comment
    CSasha's Avatar
    Let me give you a virtual hug. You are very lovely, Matt!
    I suppose that's why Sam chose you.

    I also have my struggle with my depression. You have to find your own way since everybody is different. I easily connect with others but I have my troubles feeling connected. I asked myself if I had any real friends though from outside I had and still have. It just doesn't feel that way since I struggle to open up. Now I got some way along including crying a lot in a helpful way by wanting the bad things in my life to improve. It didn't change over night, I had to try out different things to find one which works (family stem therapy is my way now which works wonders for me), and it's still a long way ahead.

    Thanks for sharing such an intimacy.
    Posted 06-07-2018 at 01:11 PM by CSasha CSasha is offline
  3. Old Comment
    Butterfly's Avatar
    Talk to your parents. They might understand more than you think. They probably DO realize that you are struggling, even if you don't think they do. Parents are pretty receptive and it would probably be a relief for them to have you open up to them. Even if they don't realize, I am sure they would be happy to have you come to them.

    Does anybody really know what love is? It is one of those things that is so elusive and hard to explain that we can't even really describe it. Caring for Sam is more than enough!

    Have you tried any kind of therapy or treatment for aspergers, depression or anxiety? There are so many things that might be able to help you. Talking to a doctor or the specialist who diagnosed you might be a good start.

    The first step is being honest with yourself that there is a problem and that you are struggling, so this blog is amazing! Now you just have to be willing to share it with the right people who can help.

    Ps. I am always available to chat if you need somebody to talk to.
    Posted 06-07-2018 at 01:39 PM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline
  4. Old Comment
    MarvHarvey's Avatar
    Matt, this is extremely well written and describes your feelings and situation very well. Take out a couple of the more personal references and maybe those about kinky activities, and it could be used to help explain aspergers to students in relevant fields. It is that good.

    We all understand you better now. Please dont despair. There will be improvements. All I can say right now is ....

    "Oh yeah, that was/is me....." I thought several times. Oh yeah. Only two big differences: that your situation goes on without breaks, and that books were my refuge, so i got a god education. But man I feel for you.

    My own wondering about what love is, what caring is, is a bit too personal for me to think about very much. Even when losing a parent i wondered if i shouldnt be feeling something more. Oh my brain cared, sort of, I knew this was important, but did I really care? Did my "heart" care? Mysteries of life.

    You are stuck in a few different spirals, and can rareIy get one on the rise to help digging out another. I will send you some of my experiences/lessons in breaking a few links in those invisible chains. Might help, might not, but some might appeal to you. (Not for a few weeks. I am travelling with little time of my own, and only mobile to work on.)

    Matt, one step at a time. Know that there are people who care. Reach out when you need to...we cant slways see your struggle, so we dont know you need us to reach out. And find ways to reach out in your daily life. The smallest hand can mean so much.

    I will keep rereading this blog because I want to help and because we have so many shared experiences.
    Posted 06-07-2018 at 07:20 PM by MarvHarvey MarvHarvey is offline
  5. Old Comment
    MarvHarvey's Avatar
    And Matt, when I read of your times with Sam, and how other girls around here like you, I think "he's one of those cool guys the girls liked in school. If he never had a girlfriend its because he always had a few chasing him and didnt need to pick." Serioulsy!
    Posted 06-07-2018 at 07:26 PM by MarvHarvey MarvHarvey is offline
  6. Old Comment
    I don't know you but really felt for you reading this Matt.

    I think a lot of the time we can fall into a routine of living to avoid suffering rather than living to be happy. I know that I distract myself with things in the same way you do, as a way of avoiding confronting the things in my life that are not as I would want them to be and having to fight to change them.

    I don't know much about depression or aspergers so I'd struggle to help you with that, but I do understand how it feels to struggle to make friends and to spend a lot of time on my own, I'd say the last 3 years have been a really lonely period.

    I can only give you some tips that I've tried to change things the last few months and hope that some of those are of help to you, they've helped me:

    1. Daily exercise. I really underestimated how much of a difference this makes to lifting overall mood and motivation. Exercise is also a form of escape, like dares, but you leave the escape feeling more uplifted in yourself and the escape helps you build towards feeling better in yourself. I'd recommend lifting weights to build your confidence, and running to lift your mood. The runner's high is real.

    2. I really really really suck at small talk. I have found one tip that has helped me from 'The Art of Happiness' by the Dalai Lama. There are some really interesting insights in there by the way, I'd recommend it, even if only one or two ideas work for you that's worth having. Anyway I now try and do two things when I'm speaking to someone knew. First, I start to understand the context of their life based on the little I know about them, and second I remind myself that we're the same. I start from the compassion that comes from recognising that they are the same as me. They have hopes, dreams, fears, anxieties and struggles. This has helped me a lot and I've found that while my small talk game is a little weak, I'm doing better moving onto big talk.

    3. Understand the things you want to change in your life and confront them. I think you already understand the things you want to change and that's great. You need to decide to fight for those things, and you can do it. You can go change those things, I believe in you. Build a plan, and commit to doing 90% of the plan. We all miss bits of our plan, if you ask for 90% you can make mistakes and still feel right on track. You don't need a-levels and degree stuff to find a career. Look for professional training courses in careers you'd like to do, budget to save for them and work towards getting a job that you'll be content going to each day. Learn as much as you can about new career paths. Make use of free training courses online.

    4. Lean on the people around you, including your parents, because changing your life involves taking a few shots from life. Two things happened to make a couple of months ago. My partner left me and my mum got diagnosed with a stage 4 cancer. I was in about the lowest place I've ever been. Your parents love you to bits Matt. Even if they're going through stuff themselves they still want to support you and be there for you and they always will. My parents did when I found the courage to come clean about where I was at.

    I hope some of that helps. If know you don't know me, but if you want to chat, feel free to PM me. Also, if you want someone to help you work through a plan then happy to help with that too.
    Posted 06-08-2018 at 04:15 AM by SwitchLeaningSub SwitchLeaningSub is offline
  7. Old Comment
    Matt:'s Avatar
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by MarvHarvey View Comment
    And Matt, when I read of your times with Sam, and how other girls around here like you, I think "he's one of those cool guys the girls liked in school. If he never had a girlfriend its because he always had a few chasing him and didnt need to pick." Serioulsy!
    haha I don't know what gave you that idea, no girls have ever chased me lol

    Thank you to all who have replied and the advice given. It does help to know that people do care

    I will try and take some of the advice, but I can't promise it will be straight away. I'm just feeling so down, I'm not sure I can at the moment. I sometimes think that if I could cry, that it may help, by letting it out. But I just seem to be incapable of crying, as that would require more emotion than I am able to have.
    Posted 06-08-2018 at 10:37 AM by Matt: Matt: is offline
    Updated 06-08-2018 at 11:59 AM by Matt:
  8. Old Comment
    Matt:'s Avatar
    I just wish I could feel something, anything, even bad things, rather than just emptiness/nothingness for want of better words.
    Posted 06-11-2018 at 08:06 AM by Matt: Matt: is offline
    Updated 06-11-2018 at 11:08 AM by Matt:
  9. Old Comment
    Switch Lucy's Avatar
    I'm so sorry you're going through such a tough time. It is unfortunate that it wasn't picked up when you were younger so you could have got help with it. As I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for you at school. I think the UK has been quite slow in recognising and understanding these conditions.

    I do agree with others, that I think it would help for you to talk to someone about it. There is more help available now. I'm here if you need to talk.
    Posted 06-12-2018 at 06:45 AM by Switch Lucy Switch Lucy is offline
  10. Old Comment
    nina@'s Avatar
    I feel socialising is a small part of life and does not define all that one is. You are focussing on this and letting it affect you more than necessary and forgetting all the other personality traits that you have which make you a wonderful person. So let me list a few qualities that I have observed in you to remind you that you are a great friend and individual. determined, competent, honest, reliable, intelligent, wise, rational, compassionate, helpful, loyal, fair, considerate, good looking to list a few and I can go on and on..

    and if you ever feel like talking to me about it or anything else feel free to hmu, I have dealt with depression myself, though for different reasons. take care
    Posted 06-13-2018 at 05:50 AM by nina@ nina@ is offline
    Updated 06-13-2018 at 09:13 PM by nina@
  11. Old Comment
    LPV's Avatar
    My mother suffered with depression all her life, and I have family members who have been in institutions with it. It is horrible, and there are no easy answers.

    You could have been describing me. Awkward at times. Not a lot of friends. I think I had one date in high school and wasn't kissed until college.

    One thing that I appreciate is that SO MANY of us have gone or are kind of going thru this or something similar. I am honestly shocked to hear this from you of all people. I would have thought you were one of the happiest people here.

    Just a few things. Exercise does help. Science backs that up. If you can, talk to a counselor. It could take awhile, but might really help.

    Try to be positive and think positive thoughts. You are [probably the most popular guy on here. Everyone likes you A LOT! there is a good reason for that. Just be yourself in regular like too. You will find that people DO like you!

    Never give up and NEVER lose hope! Know that Sam, Lucy, LPV, and many others here love you. We have never met, but you are still one of my best friends anywhere. God bless!
    Posted 06-23-2018 at 02:46 PM by LPV LPV is offline
  12. Old Comment
    Wedgiebondagebabe's Avatar
    Matt you are one of the sweetest and most caring people I know whether it be getDare or real life. I sent you a message on kik about some other things, but I want to tell you this. You do not have to know what love is to care about someone, to be there for someone, and to do all the things a person may want in a relationship. Also normal is overrated. Your quirks are what make you you. In fact if you asked any of us here to pick something we would want to change about you, the only thing we might say is that we want you to see yourself the way we see you.

    You are helpful, caring, respectful, mindful, trustworthy, honest, brave, outgoing, responsible, you follow through, you keep promises, you persevere.

    People say I am brave because I have fought the will to kill myself. It took me a while to believe them, but I finally found it in myself to believe it. But overcoming all the thoughts and pain inside of yourself and in your head is brave. I hope you can find the meaning and truth in that like I have.

    You are amazing Matt and I would rather go blue in the face to make it known than let you feel like you aren't amazing. Believing in yourself will come with time and I believe in you.
    Posted 06-23-2018 at 06:36 PM by Wedgiebondagebabe Wedgiebondagebabe is offline
  13. Old Comment
    Switch Lucy's Avatar
    Posted 06-24-2018 at 07:54 AM by Switch Lucy Switch Lucy is offline
  14. Old Comment
    Matt:'s Avatar
    Now my Dad has been diagnosed with cancer and they say that it is aggressive...(8 on the Gleason scale) I just don't know how to deal with this, how I should feel, how I should act, how I should respond to my family or friends when talking about it or be with my Dad, how do I cope.
    Posted 01-17-2019 at 12:31 AM by Matt: Matt: is offline
  15. Old Comment
    Cstelle's Avatar
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Matt: View Comment
    I just don't know how to deal with this, how I should feel, how I should act, how I should respond to my family or friends when talking about it or be with my Dad, how do I cope.
    I either become overwhelmed or feel like a fake. (I'm not comfortable with either having or showing emotions.)

    My guess is that most people have these same thoughts and worries: the people around you are probably just as lost and bewildered.

    My suggestion: talk to a friend about this. I have found that when I talk - really talk - about things, they also become clearer in my sorry excuse for a head.

    I wish you good things.
    Posted 01-17-2019 at 10:29 AM by Cstelle Cstelle is offline
  16. Old Comment
    MarvHarvey's Avatar
    My first thought is that you should be yourself, be genuine. You have all the right caring and social attitudes and felings. You will respond well. Yes, sometimes it will feel awkward, and a few of those it might actually be awkward. But as long as everyone knows you are being a true and genuine person, it will be ok.
    This is not an easy thing, and my heart reaches out to you. There is no 'right' way to act, other than being yourself. Everyone who knows you around here knows that you area good solid and caring person - and that is not limited to here, its the real you.
    Posted 01-17-2019 at 01:36 PM by MarvHarvey MarvHarvey is offline
  17. Old Comment
    IceMaiden's Avatar
    There is no 'correct' way to act. Just be yourself. Your parents know you love/care for them, regardless of if you find it difficult to show it or struggle to actually feel it.

    Cancer is a bitch and I'm sorry you've recieved this news. Just be yourself, talk to your dad as normal, talk to Sam or another family member if you feel like you need to. When my Grandma recieved similar news everyone tiptoed around her and she told me that made her feel worse and just wanted things to be normal. I'm not saying your dad feels the same but might be something worth considering. I'm just a PM away if you ever need to talk or vent.
    Posted 01-20-2019 at 02:18 PM by IceMaiden IceMaiden is offline
 

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