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An unhappy sub is a disobedient sub.

Posted 03-22-2019 at 02:47 PM by IceMaiden

I read a lot of d/s type books. I came across the title as a line in one of the books I was reading recently and it got me thinking as to how true it is.

For me personally, it isn't true in the slightest. If I am unhappy then I tell AM I am unhappy and why and then we figure it out together. I would also advise anyone who is unhappy to communicate with their partner because a d/s relationship should involve BOTH parties being happy. I know there are 'dominant's' who believe a sub/slave's happiness doesn't matter and only the dom's does but frankly I think that is a load of crap and believe they shouldn't have the right to call themselves dominants. But I digress.

While I am not disobedient when I am unhappy....when I am pissed off at AM? There may have been a time or two when we have been...heatedly discussing... certain things and we've both ended up annoyed and irritated. And because I was irritated and annoyed at AM I may have done something such as randomly disappear for a couple of minutes before returning and informing him something like "I went to pee. Without. Asking."

One rule that is always in effect except for when my health gets in the way is to ask for bathroom permission. I know this, it's second nature we've had this rule in place for so long. But the two times (I think it has been two. So two times in almost four years isn't that bad.) when I didn't ask, I didn't ask deliberately. I didn't forget the rule. I just wanted to act out because I was mad at whatever AM had said and/or done and it was my way of saying SO.THERE. I always told him afterwards and accepted any consequences for it, I wasn't going to lie to him or never mention it. But right in the moment I chose on purpose to be disobedient.

Does this make me a bad submissive? No, I don't think so. I'm not a robot, I have feelings and emotions and thoughts and opinions. And whilst it may not have been the best way to go about expressing my anger or temper tantrum, I still don't think it makes me a bad submissive. I was prepared to tell him and accept any consequences. Now if I had hidden it or refused to accept the repercussions then it would be a whole other story. Whilst we get along exceptionally well most of the time we still occasionally butt heads because even though we are sub and Dom, we are first and foremost human. And both of us are extremely stubborn. (Which strikes me as a little odd now that I think of submission and extreme stubborness in the same sentence.)

So I don't necessarily agree with the sentence "An unhappy sub is a disobedient sub." I believe it could be the case in some people's relationships but I don't believe it applies to every relationship. It doesn't apply in mine at all. But I do believe a sub may be disobedient for other reasons and not solely to just not do what they are supposed to do.

Some will argue deliberately ignoring a rule and then flaunting it in the way of "Without. Asking." makes me a terrible submissive. I think having reactions and being invested enough to HAVE the reactions makes me a person who loves and cares about my relationship.
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    AbusiveMaster's Avatar
    Quite right, you ARE occasionally a butthead.
    Posted 03-22-2019 at 02:55 PM by AbusiveMaster AbusiveMaster is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Butterfly's Avatar
    I do the exact same thing. When I am upset about something I will talk about it. I usually need some time to think about it first, but then I bring my concerns to my Dom(s) and we work it out. However, when I am MAD, I will do the same thing and it is usually my bathroom rule that I use.

    I don't really like that phrase because the first thing I thought of was that it was in relation to bratting. Because bratting is wrongly viewed as being disobedient.

    But anyways ... this was a great blog with a fantastic message. Thank you for sharing <3
    Posted 03-22-2019 at 02:58 PM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline
  3. Old Comment
    AbusiveMaster's Avatar
    Quote:
    Bratling, 21:56
    really? I take like 3 days to figure out what i wanted to say and you comment im a butthead? that i never even said!
    As you can see, when my IceMaiden has something to say, she is shy and retiring and won't communicate.

    As I have said quite a few times, communication is key. It is something we spent a lot of time working on in the early part of our relationship. At the begining, perhaps due to previous experiences, Icy wouldnt communicate her poblems, she would clam up and I would have to prise them out of her. Now she just opens that pretty little mouth and tells me.... and nags... and pouts... and complains.... perhaps I taught her too well. But this is the part where she will deny this and pretend she always communicated with me....

    As for the deliberate disobedience - so far as I am concerned it isnt an indication that she is a bad submissive. While we dont live in a 'traditional' 24/7 dynamic, we do apply D/s to every aspect of our lives. While I dont micromanage every aspect and every decision, every morsel of food and every activity, I have the authority to do so at any time if i choose. Perhaps a good term would be "supervised autonomy." If you like it, remember I invented it.

    Even bearing this in mind we are, underneath it all, a couple in a long distance relationship. A couple in a D/s relationship, a couple with problems, a couple of idiots... a couple. I strongly feel that even in a tightly controlled D/s dynamic, the underlying reality is that there are two (or more) people in a relationship, satisfying mutual needs and striving to make one another happy. In any vanilla relationship people fight and act out, and a D/s relationship is no different, the only real difference is HOW this is expressed.

    Posted 03-22-2019 at 03:24 PM by AbusiveMaster AbusiveMaster is offline
  4. Old Comment
    Heart's Avatar
    I find for me I become disobedient when my needs aren't met after continuous attempts of communication. It's not my first line of attack but I will act out if I'm not feeling submissive.
    Posted 03-22-2019 at 09:21 PM by Heart Heart is offline
  5. Old Comment
    IceMaiden's Avatar
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by AbusiveMaster View Comment
    Quite right, you ARE occasionally a butthead.
    And you are a dollophead.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Butterfly View Comment
    I do the exact same thing. When I am upset about something I will talk about it. I usually need some time to think about it first, but then I bring my concerns to my Dom(s) and we work it out. However, when I am MAD, I will do the same thing and it is usually my bathroom rule that I use.

    I don't really like that phrase because the first thing I thought of was that it was in relation to bratting. Because bratting is wrongly viewed as being disobedient.

    But anyways ... this was a great blog with a fantastic message. Thank you for sharing <3
    I didn't even think of breaking a different rule both times it was the bathroom one. Maybe because that wouldn't be as serious as one in place for my health....maybe I was subconsciously choosing the one I would get in least trouble for? Hmm.

    I don't know if the reaction is solely being mad or a combination of being mad and stubborn and 3.5 when I'm little...perhaps I just decided it was time for a justified temper tantrum!


    Quote:
    Originally Posted by AbusiveMaster View Comment
    As you can see, when my IceMaiden has something to say, she is shy and retiring and won't communicate.

    Of course.

    As I have said quite a few times, communication is key. It is something we spent a lot of time working on in the early part of our relationship. At the begining, perhaps due to previous experiences, Icy wouldnt communicate her poblems, she would clam up and I would have to prise them out of her. Now she just opens that pretty little mouth and tells me.... and nags... and pouts... and complains.... perhaps I taught her too well. But this is the part where she will deny this and pretend she always communicated with me....

    I did! Eventually. Also...if you listened the first time it wouldn't be nagging, would it?

    As for the deliberate disobedience - so far as I am concerned it isnt an indication that she is a bad submissive. While we dont live in a 'traditional' 24/7 dynamic, we do apply D/s to every aspect of our lives. While I dont micromanage every aspect and every decision, every morsel of food and every activity, I have the authority to do so at any time if i choose. Perhaps a good term would be "supervised autonomy." If you like it, remember I invented it.

    You're good at inventing words and terms.

    Even bearing this in mind we are, underneath it all, a couple in a long distance relationship. A couple in a D/s relationship, a couple with problems, a couple of idiots... a couple. I strongly feel that even in a tightly controlled D/s dynamic, the underlying reality is that there are two (or more) people in a relationship, satisfying mutual needs and striving to make one another happy. In any vanilla relationship people fight and act out, and a D/s relationship is no different, the only real difference is HOW this is expressed.
    I don't know about you, but I'm not an idiot! I'll agree with the rest though. You talk mostly sense. Love you.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by IHeartFun View Comment
    I find for me I become disobedient when my needs aren't met after continuous attempts of communication. It's not my first line of attack but I will act out if I'm not feeling submissive.
    I am entirely different in that regard if I feel like my needs aren't being met I will try and communicate about it once and then if it doesn't change....I throw a (mostly polite) little fit. I do think AM hit thee nail on the head with

    Quote:
    In any vanilla relationship people fight and act out, and a D/s relationship is no different, the only real difference is HOW this is expressed.
    Posted 03-24-2019 at 07:52 AM by IceMaiden IceMaiden is offline
 

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