Tension

It follows me around all day. My muscles tighten, jaw clenches, heart races. Anxiety fills my veins, making each breath I take icy.

Scenes relax me. Talking to my boy toy, watching Supernatural, hugging my cat, drinking hot chocolate. These things relax me.

Have you ever made a fist so tight that your hand starts to shake? And then relaxed? It's like a relief in your muscles instead of just your mind.

I'm a tense person. I worry and fret about everything, which is one of the reasons I love submission. I don't have to be in charge. I just have to worry about how I'm going to make Sinister happy and he tells me what to do more often than not. So then I just have to worry about how I'm going to do the things he wants me to do. I let him worry about how I'll react to things and what I'm going to do next.

It's a relief to just let someone else take control. A relief that someone wants to take control. It's such a relief to feel that tension slip away that I may or may not start crying (I'm an emotional person right now, hush).

My boy toy made fun of me because I felt sleepy and floppy after a scene. It was like all the worry and anxiety in my body had evaporated, making me kind of melt on the bed. It's a nice feeling, just kind of floating around with a lazy grin on your lips.

Hopefully other people know what I'm talking about, if not, we can chalk the up to another rant when I'm half asleep.