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My black dog

Posted 12-26-2017 at 07:51 AM by CSasha

I have a black dog called depression. Looking back, I had at least four bigger episodes of longer, deeper depression over my lifetime so far. Fortunately enough, as my brother expressed it, I am "too clever to commit suicide". Though I cannot remember having had serious suicide thoughts or fantasies. But quite vividely, I remember smaller signs of slight sadness overshadowing years of my childhood. There's longterm knockdown I experienced from the break-up with my first girl friend, bringing my grades down from an A- to barely passing secondary school leaving examination. I wasn't able to get up and do anything significant during my second episode, when I didn't know which profession to learn or do. When my father died, whom I barely knew, my best friend couldn't even ring me out of my appartment when he frequently dropped by to take care. It didn't get better when moved over to by future-husband until I found my dream profession including my first job. And I had it again for around half a year after a nasty break-up with the last company I worked for.

Now I have learned much more about it. It's not about just putting myself together. My depression hasn't been undiagnosed and untreated so far, in the medical sense. I have never felt comfortable with Psychotherapy or drugs, but I found family stem therapy as an incredible help to self-reflection and therapy. So this is the way I am currently going to be cured. It takes a whole while though.
Today, I am still struggling with simple things like answering calls, keeping up contact to peopel I like and love, and even cleaning up my room and desk. But I am hanging in there well enough to keep working which also gives me power.

Yesterday, my husband and I watched 'Inside Out'. The movie reminded me about another important lesson on the way: there's no way to be happy all the time. It's neither balanced nor healthy to not cry at all, quite the contrary. Badly traumatised people report that the most sad thing happened is that they are not able to cry anymore, the greatest danger is to become void of emotions at all. Often, we don't allow ourselves to cry or even show weakness, nor to slow down, rest, think and feel through the present and past, and find ourselves again. There are very healthy tears to be shed, iron chains around our hearts to be burst. The water must flow.

It's not only true for sadness, but for all feelings. According to one of the theories I picked up, my black dog has been a wolf once, fighting for my place, food, and rights in the pack, until I wasn't allowed to be aggressive.

My life with the depression is a daily struggle, a hundred steps backward, but also a hundred and one steps forward. There are good days, there are bad days. But it's totally worth living.
Also, anytime I tell or write about it, it gives me back some breath and freedom. Life has been so much better since I shared my condition with friends, and allowed myself bigger time-outs and not fulfilling all the expectations I raise towards myself.

Thanks for your attention
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    MarvHarvey's Avatar
    Thank you for sharing. You are such a creative and mischievous cat that it is hard to think of you as being down down down. I suspect that you feel better when you can allow that cat to roam and to explore more freely.
    Posted 12-26-2017 at 09:59 AM by MarvHarvey MarvHarvey is offline
  2. Old Comment
    CSasha's Avatar
    Yes, indeed. Regret and shame are my worst enemies. Without the high expectations on myself I usually feel way better.
    Posted 12-26-2017 at 10:58 AM by CSasha CSasha is offline
  3. Old Comment
    nina@'s Avatar
    Well written Cass and yes like you said "the greatest danger is to become void of emotions at all". I feel overcoming it is difficult but a reward in itself as it does make one stronger and a much better version of themselves albeit at a cost. Glad you are sharing it with friends and it is helping.

    Best Wishes
    Posted 12-26-2017 at 11:46 AM by nina@ nina@ is offline
  4. Old Comment
    CSasha's Avatar
    Many thanks, nina.
    Posted 12-26-2017 at 11:47 AM by CSasha CSasha is offline
  5. Old Comment
    PrincessJessica's Avatar
    Thanks for having the bravery to share this part of yourself. I recognise many of the struggles in myself; from the daily struggle at doing the simplest things to the fierce regret largely on my own unreasonable expectations. Sharing weakness is always scary but I hope this blog can help give me a little extra courage to share, seek help and stop beating myself up rather than keep my darkness to myself and allowing it to fester unchecked in any future "episode".

    Your not alone and I wish you good luck in that daily struggle to tame the pesky black dog!
    Posted 12-26-2017 at 12:12 PM by PrincessJessica PrincessJessica is offline
  6. Old Comment
    That's really brave of you to share this. Really well done. You should be very proud of yourself. I hope that others that have a similar animal with them, read this and realise they're not alone.
    Posted 12-26-2017 at 12:28 PM by Gingerminger83 Gingerminger83 is offline
  7. Old Comment
    CSasha's Avatar
    "Beating yourself up" That also describes it very well.
    Posted 12-26-2017 at 12:33 PM by CSasha CSasha is offline
  8. Old Comment
    Grand.Master691's Avatar
    I'm sorry to hear you are having trouble with the depression. It's never easy fighting such a vicious, sneaky and invisible enemy, but talking about it always helps. I hope 2018 will bring you more happy thoughts and moments and that you'll feel much better.
    Posted 12-27-2017 at 02:26 AM by Grand.Master691 Grand.Master691 is offline
 

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