Lately I have been in a very Dommey headspace. I have a full time sub (Jaro) as well as a few casual play partners that I Top with. It seems that every time I turn around there is somebody new who I am bossing around.

I love being a Domme. I love being toppy, but at the same time, my subby side has been severely neglected the past few months. I crave that submission. I crave giving up control. I need it. I want it.

And while I am being Dommey, it is hard for me to get...

You may want to read my previous, related blog post.

For where my narrow world view is concerned, there's only really one truth about me that matters - my word. The truth that I carve with an ice pick onto the skin of my teeth. A truth so cruel, endless suffering would per chance be a suitable replacement. But there are certain things I'll stand by.

I'm not beautiful. I'm not gorgeous. I'm not pretty. I'm not nice to look at.
I simply am not. I've not been gifted...

Every day I send little updates of my day to my partner. I send him an update whenever I am done with one of the rules, or when my mood changes for no apparent reason, and stuff like that. But I'm noticing that it's the same messages every day.

"Update: just finished lunch, gonna study now."
"Update: I have a headache and I am very anxious."
"Update: I just had dinner"
"Update: I just fucked my ass and I have a bigger gape! Look!"...

When we started to talk, I was in a vulnerable place. I felt isolated from my friends and family. I was in a bad relationship (but you didn't know that). I was looking for somebody to talk to, to confide in, to be friends with. I let my guard down.

I lied to you. I was not happy with my fiance. But I liked to protect myself. I didn't want to open myself up to the possibility of you getting the wrong idea. I was very clear with you that I was looking for friends only.

My...

As I sit here and write this, my chest is still tight. It hurts to breathe. I have started this blog about 10 times now and wiped everything that I have written. The truth is, I really don't know how to describe the feelings that are happening inside me.

The thing is, I thought I was doing better. It has been awhile since I have had such a flare up in anxiety. It has been years and years since I have had more than one anxiety attack in a week.

I have no explanation for...

Okay...so I've given this some thought and decided I'm going to have PM dares...this will be a bit of a work in progress to start, but thought it would be a little bit of fun...

Please note...if I don't know you, i.e. haven't chatted to you, I would want to get to know you before excepting random dares

I'll say one per person per 24 hours, I will advise if I can't do them that day.

If I am away and can't complete I will save it for when I can next do it....

I am tired of dealing with people who feel they are entitled to something. Nobody owes you anything!

Other than the basics (food, water, etc.) you don't just automatically deserve anything. You have to work for the things that you want.

Nobody is entitled to my body, my attention, my respect, my love. You have to earn that!
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