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Can damage be undone?

Posted 09-16-2018 at 05:55 AM by Bloxo

I think the power of blogging is that you get to release some pent up emotion, you get to express yourself in a different way...and you can feel freer to tell the world things going on inside you and feel freer as a consequence of expressing it...

So I think that I have just lost a potentially incredible relationship...and as I often do, I have looked inside myself to where things have gone wrong and found some problems within myself that I have to deal with...

Being frank, I have not had a lot of luck with real life relationships in the past, I was always a loner who liked to keep to himself when younger, books, games, family, those were my areas of comfort, other people seemed toxic to me, they would bully me, think I was strange and take advantage of my innocent nature.

When I grew older and started to like girls I was socially awkward, I didn't know how to communicate and I would just come across as a strange person, even when I was just trying to be myself...my self confidence would reduce me to mumbling, incoherent sentences, unable to make eye contact...and generally finding much fault with the person I was.

Then of course...Girls, being very perceptive creatures, would latch on to this...and would say very hurtful things if I dared express any interest...I was forced to withdraw into my shell...

Life got better after school, I made close friends, went out drinking a lot, would actually dance in clubs and so forth, then I fell into acting which brought so many positives...I will still hopeless with girls, but at least I was gaining confidence and building up a strong character.

My first relationships were odd, one girl was poly and already had a main boyfriend, so we were more play partners than anything, then I fell in with a man hating shrew who would often be physically abusive...then I met someone who turned out to be psychotic, would bully me into sex, would lash out at all those close to me, would destroy my possessions...and left me feeling powerless and deeply unhappy...this I allowed to happen for 2 years...

Then recently I met a girl who I could talk to, who I felt a lot of connection with, someone I thought I could be open with...and now I realise I still carry some scars from my former lives, we were first intimate on a first date, after having a lot to drink...neither of us was comfortable and this has just led to awkwardness...and as I really liked this girl I wanted to communicate my kinkier side...this again ended up being done in a very awkward manner and basically now I think I have put her off, not because of who I am, but because of how I was communicating, and the confidence I displayed throughout the process...

So my ultimate question...can you recover after abuse? Can you ever be normal again? I like to think you can, but what does it take?

I don't want to make the same mistakes over and over again, but feel trapped in a cycle of fear and uncertainty, I just want to be like any normal person but always feel different.

Part of dealing with any problem is to acknowledge it, and this is what this post is for me, admitting I have problems and knowing I need to do something about it to have a better future.

Thank you if you have got to the end of this rant, I am not looking for help...I just wanted to release some of these thoughts and feelings to help me deal with them for the future
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  1. Old Comment
    lilith_'s Avatar
    I relate to everything you've said so so so so much. That's a question I keep asking myself over and over again. I think it is possible but it takes a lot of patience, tears and time. It's not an easy process. I struggle sooo much with trust and sometimes it feels like I'll never be able to fully trust someone, however if the right person shows up and we are willing to work on ourselves and give us the time to heal, it is possible. At least I hope so? Haha
    Posted 09-16-2018 at 07:19 AM by lilith_ lilith_ is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Butterfly's Avatar
    For the longest time I referred to myself as broken. There was so much damage to me done by a few abusive individuals and I just felt broken beyond repair. However, over the last 4 years especially, I have seen so much of that damage be repaired.

    Somedays I feel very little ill effects and others I still am haunted by my past and all those feelings that it brings up, but there has been huge progress. I am not broken anymore.

    I dont know if I'll ever recover fully, I honestly think that my past is going to follow me forever, but i have learned to quiet it. I can be aware and tell myself that those damaging thoughts aren't true and that I know better.

    It's a long process, but like you said, admitting there is something to change is the first step.
    Posted 09-16-2018 at 08:02 AM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline
  3. Old Comment
    nina@'s Avatar
    Yes damage can be undone, in fact, it is only natural to evolve with experience in life and become a better and more confident person. The only deterrent in my opinion is when we crawl into our shell and stop seeking.
    Posted 09-16-2018 at 10:06 AM by [email protected] nina@ is offline
  4. Old Comment
    Happy Me's Avatar
    I agree with Nina! It can be undone because I have done that, on multiple separate occasions. The worst thing you can do for your healing and growth, the one thing that will slow it down, is isolating yourself. While I know that is the natural reaction, it’s not the most productive reaction.

    I do, however, recommend doing things to protect yourself, such as stepping away as early as possible when things look bad, getting to know people well before investing in them too heavily, and learning to ask for what you need or state your concerns with kindness, respect and confidence.

    Also, it is all extremely difficult and I’m sending you good thoughts and strength!
    Posted 09-16-2018 at 06:19 PM by Happy Me Happy Me is offline
 

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