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The Pain of Too Little Self-Control

Posted 12-21-2017 at 06:29 AM by PrincessJessica

The Pain of Too Little Self-Control

As part of a new, and temporary rule, I've effectively got to blog about something I'm uncomfortable talking about for the next 5 days (thanks Cassandra for the unexpected extension)...today it's my lack of self-control

I have such little self-control it's embarrassing, but also probably explains why I'm naturally submissive and am able to embrace that. That voice that should stop me from doing something, be that either vanilla ("Don't eat another chocolate bar, you'll get fat!") or kink ("This is going to be painful, argh, don't do it!"), barely gets noticed. In both vanilla or kink situations, it does make life easier to some degree largely just following my desires but also opens me up to some painful experiences.

I'd say I have a naturally obsessive mind, useful when working on projects but not so good at dropping whatever want or desire happens to pop into my head, even when they're clearly unhealthy for me; from staying up a little later than I should (cough, 2 am or later too often) or entirely breaking my limits in kink scenarios with very little budging from any dominant parties. When deep in "sub space" in particular I find it very hard to engage any rational part of my brain (which could entirely be explained by all the blood flowing elsewhere ).

My inability to engage that rational mind has led to my most exciting and scary kink moments. It's normally the time when I break/push limits which normally works out well, it's exhilarating to push myself outside my comfort zone and ignore my normally deafening sensible side to do things I never would have alone. Ass to mouth and CBT are prime examples where I would of never dreamed of attempting either, yet in the moment was convinced to and both are now dangerously close to likes; I can now largely ignore the taste of ass to mouth leaving me to enjoy that sweet humiliation and the mind-bending pain of CBT is becoming a challenge I increasingly want to embrace.

However, that inability to say "No" and control myself in the moment does have it's downfalls. From exposing my face fully on public cam on purpose in the past (I like having a closer connection with people watching so they can see my emotions but that should be far outweighed by my need for privacy) to my current struggles with denial. It shouldn't be that hard not to do anything...just don't go over the edge yet I ended up failing 1 week into a month's denial (it wasn't entirely my fault as feeling was largely numbed off by super strength toothpaste down there...I didn't even feel it coming, pun intended ). Since then I jumped back on the denial wagon and have wobbled frequently since, again largely of my own making with additional edges or forfeit games I just wanted to do.

I feel I should have the self-control to not make it my denial more awkward for myself and not occasionally snap my limits. It only leads to a horrible sense of guilt; in the case of exposing my face deep shame that I'd do something that stupid and in denial that I'd let someone else down. I love it in sub space but do wish I wouldn't fall in so deep I'd lose nearly all rationality. At the very least I'd like to avoid myself the pain of that sub guilt.

Another depressing gloom and doom blog huh? Well not quite. I'm increasingly managing to engage my rational brain in the heat of the moment using that guilt as motivation. In the example of showing my face on public cam/without someone giving me the same courtesy it's largely been successful.

However, denial provides a repeating challenge to my self-control so I'm (not entirely of my own making) running a experiment with me taking the role of lab rat.
Quote:
Every time you touch your cock “costs” 20 balls spanks (for any reason, including peeing etc), every stroking “session” costs 50 spanks, every edge costs 300 ball spanks and every orgasm costs 1000 ball spanks (including any you’re made to do in this time by dares etc) (20th - 24th, 3am)
If that kind of literal pain doesn't stop my "extra-curricular playing" I don't know what will. CBT may be something I'm increasingly enjoying but not at these kinds of levels (100 in one session is about my best previously). A mental "stick" wasn't succeeding in this case so I'm trying a physical one to stop me from playing unless I really must, which sounds great in theory.

So day 2 of the experiment and I have 1390(!) ball spanks collated already, all entirely of my own making with 4 edges (and have only managed to get 100 done so far), and to make it worse I'm writing this approaching 2am; I'm not exactly proud of myself but can at least appreciate the irony My lack of self-control allows be to dive down deeper into my kinks but also causes immense guilt with mental pain (and now physical too ). With the right incentive, I'm sure I can "train" myself a little more self-control, it's just got to be more painful than the thing I'm trying to avoid doing which my "no touch" rule really should be (ouchy).
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  1. Old Comment
    CSasha's Avatar
    1390 ball spanks sounds like a lot! (though oddjobber has already worked off more and still working to complete an even larger amount, but it always depends on the person). Maybe it'll teach you a bit more self-control. Lustful slave.

    Very good blog post.
    Posted 12-21-2017 at 09:19 AM by CSasha CSasha is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Lemuricon's Avatar
    ouch...
    I feel you. I'm also not that great with self control (though also not as bad as you).

    Poor balls, but be happy the chastity is not prolonged till they are all done. (at least I hope so)
    Posted 12-21-2017 at 10:12 AM by Lemuricon Lemuricon is offline
  3. Old Comment
    You should probably have a minimum of spanks per day and per session as well. That way you can't spread them out too far. Maybe 20% or 200 (whichever is greater) of the total must be done per day, with a minimum of 100 per session. This keeps you from putting them off and from getting too high of an amount.
    Posted 12-22-2017 at 04:45 PM by HumbleSlave HumbleSlave is offline
  4. Old Comment
    PrincessJessica's Avatar
    Just a quick update on the experiment...
    I ended up with 5600(!!) ball spanks, only about half were my own fault with the remainder coming from dares (including an unintentionally cruel 100 cock spanks PM dare which added 2000 ball spanks on their own).

    One problem I did indeed find HumbleSlave was the lack of immediacy to the punishment (hey, I'll edge now who cares about the spanks for poor future me); partly due to lack of privacy ATM with the holidays but also I still need to build up resilience to ball spanking sessions...I suppose that's one upshot to this, I get to train myself a little yay. Another upshot is that I'm indeed not denied until they're done (poor oddjobber...eek).
    Posted 12-25-2017 at 06:32 PM by PrincessJessica PrincessJessica is offline
 

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