Possible to "Outgrow" being submissive?
Posted 07-16-2014 at 07:50 AM by MysticalMadness
Is it possible to “outgrow” being submissive? Have I just changed what being submissive is to me?
I ask because I remember my first days on getDare quite clearly. I was more cautious then about whom I talked to and who I interacted with. I attempted a few dares, but they didn’t feel personal. They didn’t turn me on in the way that I wanted to be. So I sought a Dom.
My first Dom was really quite patient, a dip-my-toes-in-the-water type of guy. He gave me researching and writing tasks, and photography tasks. He gently guided and shaped me. I will be forever grateful to him for that. However, he still wasn’t quite what I was looking for in a Dom. So we parted ways.
Fromo agreed to Dom me, and our relationship flourished beyond Dom and sub. I remember clearly how badly I wanted to please him. I performed all tasks asked of me, despite the fact that a few gave me moderate anxiety attacks or made me uncomfortable because I didn’t feel that they were safe. When I did wrong, I admitted to it right away, and took the punishment. I felt guilty and upset. I usually beat myself up over it for at least a few hours. I was undiagnosed anxiety/depression then.
Fast forward 2.5 years, and those resolves seem to have disappeared. I no longer feel like performing tasks that are given to me. Sometimes, I break my rules on purpose and then don’t tell him for days, or sometimes weeks. I no longer feel guilty for breaking my rules. And yet, I still want tasks and rules given to me. I am on medication and in counseling for my anxiety/depression. I still have a long way to go though.
In the time that I have been on getDare and fetlife, I have learned so much about myself. I learned that I’m not just a sub, but a little. Fromo gladly rose to the Caregiver role. I learned that it’s ok to be me, to have insecurities, but that I also need to let some of those insecurities go. My self-confidence has soared. And I now have two loves in my life. Fromo and MissKitty. Why is it so hard for me to “become” submissive again?
I ask because I remember my first days on getDare quite clearly. I was more cautious then about whom I talked to and who I interacted with. I attempted a few dares, but they didn’t feel personal. They didn’t turn me on in the way that I wanted to be. So I sought a Dom.
My first Dom was really quite patient, a dip-my-toes-in-the-water type of guy. He gave me researching and writing tasks, and photography tasks. He gently guided and shaped me. I will be forever grateful to him for that. However, he still wasn’t quite what I was looking for in a Dom. So we parted ways.
Fromo agreed to Dom me, and our relationship flourished beyond Dom and sub. I remember clearly how badly I wanted to please him. I performed all tasks asked of me, despite the fact that a few gave me moderate anxiety attacks or made me uncomfortable because I didn’t feel that they were safe. When I did wrong, I admitted to it right away, and took the punishment. I felt guilty and upset. I usually beat myself up over it for at least a few hours. I was undiagnosed anxiety/depression then.
Fast forward 2.5 years, and those resolves seem to have disappeared. I no longer feel like performing tasks that are given to me. Sometimes, I break my rules on purpose and then don’t tell him for days, or sometimes weeks. I no longer feel guilty for breaking my rules. And yet, I still want tasks and rules given to me. I am on medication and in counseling for my anxiety/depression. I still have a long way to go though.
In the time that I have been on getDare and fetlife, I have learned so much about myself. I learned that I’m not just a sub, but a little. Fromo gladly rose to the Caregiver role. I learned that it’s ok to be me, to have insecurities, but that I also need to let some of those insecurities go. My self-confidence has soared. And I now have two loves in my life. Fromo and MissKitty. Why is it so hard for me to “become” submissive again?
Total Comments 4
Comments
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. . . . some form of discussion or input would really be appreciated, or even a pm. . . .
I didn't want to put this in a forum because it's more about my thoughts and feelings.Posted 07-16-2014 at 08:16 PM by MysticalMadness 
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I have been debating about whether to respond, because I don't have a lot relevant experience here, so you may want a rather large grain of salt with this. When I first started subbing, I was very flexible and adaptable, and I think I was so thrilled with subbing in general that the acts within a session were secondary. However, as I got more experience and figured myself out (and my Dom played a very key role in that process), my preferences narrowed in some ways and broadened in others - like you, I discovered I am more of a little, for instance.
So now I know much better what I want, which is fantastic, but I have found I am not nearly as acquiescent as I used to be, or as adaptable and able to derive the same kind of pleasure and satisfaction from just pleasing the dom when I play casually. It's still very important to me, I greatly enjoy pleasing doms and if I fail to do so it is disappointing to me. But I want to enjoy the session for myself too.
With my Dom, on the other hand, pleasing him absolutely makes my day - I love it, and it is immensely satisfying in and of itself. But I think that as a sub I am certainly different from when I first started. People change and grow, so I think that who you are as a submissive may change too, and certainly could change many, many times. And then, this is assuming that subbing is still fulfilling for you - plenty of people have found that they switch from being a sub to a dom or to doing both or neither, and it sometimes just depends on where you are in life. The main thing, I believe, is that you are above all true to yourself, and that however you submit or don't submit you are able to do genuinely so that you are fulfilled and not always at war with yourself. If there is something else that is hampering your ability/desire to submit, then dealing with that comes first - forcing it doesn't usually go well.
I hope this was a little helpful...Posted 07-16-2014 at 08:53 PM by naughtylittlegirl
Updated 07-16-2014 at 09:07 PM by naughtylittlegirl -
I've had these thoughts for a while now too. I remember when I first joined the site and started getting into the BDSM scene and absolutely loved subbing but now, I feel as though I couldn't care less if I subbed again or not.
I've tried to get into it again but it just didn't feel right like it did in the past, it was fun and I didn't have the desire.
I assume it's just that I've gotten older and my personality/likes have changed.
Maybe we're just moving into new stages in our lives.Posted 07-16-2014 at 09:46 PM by Red
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I'll be honest, I am very ill in ways we've discussed previously right now, so commenting at all is a bit of a struggle. but you deserve a reply.
A combination of your illnesses and the medication are the primary reasons for not wanting to do the tasks and not admitting to not having done them. Maybe you have developed into a "bratty" sub, but that wouldn't explain why you don't keep up to date with informing of undone tasks.
That all being said, the fact you still want tasks at all shows you're submissive to some extent. I don't think you've outgrown it.
However, having a Kitty and Fromo means... maybe not being a switch so much as... (I'm trying to get my head round this. I think it's along the lines of maybe what I am/do - forgot what i was saying here due to phonecall...) Maybe an equalist (or more appropriate name) - where you enjoy the play, but on equal footing, with nobody being actively Dom/sub or both being simultaneously...
I'm sure I had more points, but I'm really worn out (espeically from having to people part way through replying. I'm sorry)...Posted 07-17-2014 at 05:59 AM by DoingMyBest
