How Far We've Come

Everyone has that bad year. The year you'll always remember of when you hit rock bottom. If you haven't had this year yet, trust me it's coming. People can have several years that go into this category of course. I have years where my life was falling apart but that was because of other events and I didn't hit my limit.

My year started the moment I started to self harm. It was four years ago today. Four days before my birthday and back then I was going to be turning seventeen.

I remember it so well, what I was wearing, the time, even what I was thinking. You see, I was filled with normal teenage hormones and I also had severe depression and anxiety. I'd had another argument with my parents and everyone in the house was asleep except for me.

The emotions I felt that night were similar to the crest of a wave. So many turning thoughts and feelings. I hated my life and myself. I loathed my family and I despised these aggressive and angry thoughts. I needed everything to stop, so I took a knife from the kitchen and started saying slicing at my left arm.

It fucking hurt and the wave of thoughts crashed into rocks. I didn't draw blood that first time, and I remember hating that I couldn't even cut myself right. I sat on the floor and sobbed, hoping that a family member might walk in and stop me.

If they had, things might've played out differently, but they didn't walk in. Everyone was asleep and after crying on the floor for a while, I got up went back to my room.

I wouldn't cut again until the evening of my birthday and after that the world became a blur. I felt so much pain, the wave building and building until I'd cut, then a crash and no more emotions. I did it everyday, then several times a day. I tore at my arm until I stopped feeling the pain, then I started on the other arm. After that stopped keeping my thoughts of death at bay, I began on my stomach. I remember carving the word DIE into my skin, crying all the while. Then the anesthetic of pain would hit and I was numb again.

It became automatic to start hiding the scars. I'd cross my arms over my stomach, wear long sleeves when possible, but eventually I stopped caring if people saw. I was broken and at first I wanted someone to notice, when no one did I became ashamed of my cracked exterior. But as time went on I simply didn't care.

It would be very easy to say I was an idiot, an attention seeking teenager. Most people would throw it under the rug, well I didn't know real pain I was just a kid. Hormones out of balance and that's the only reason why.

I don't look back on that moment and think I was an idiot. I don't think my pain was just hormones. I don't hide the memories in shame. I wish I hadn't been in that much pain. I wish I knew what life would become. I don't shake my head and say I was a moron, just that I didn't know how to handle what I was feeling.

We all have that year. I know a lot of people who have self harmed and most of them look at it with shame. Yes, it's awful that you had to go through it or that you're still going through it. It's horrendous that people feel so much pain that this is the only way to get it out.

Today, I had the day off from my lovely job, I played with a friend, took a shower, and I think I'll go see a movie or go to my parents' house. I'm back on meds, mostly anti anxiety, and I'm moving to a condo in a few weeks. I love my life. Sure, might wish my car was a bit more er consistent or that I had more energy, but I look back at that year and I love what I've become.

It would be easy to ignore that year, but it's part of what's made me the woman I am today. Instead of hiding that rock bottom moment, compare places.

How far have you come since that moment? I know sixteen year old me didn't think I had a fucking chance at happiness. Well fuck, did I prove her wrong.