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A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
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The gag conundrum

Posted 11-12-2020 at 01:57 AM by Butterfly
Updated 11-12-2020 at 02:06 AM by Butterfly

My biggest kink is control. As a sub, the thought of losing control is freaking hot! Bondage is a great way to take control. The feeling of being helpless - not able to move, move closer to the pleasure or away from the pain. Being blindfolded so you can't see what is coming, focusing on the sensations you are experiencing. Gags add just another layer to that. You are taking away my voice. My ability to talk, object, express myself. You are muting me. And the thought of which makes my clit tingle!

However, gags are a limit. They have been firmly planted in my hard limits for a long time. However, recently I have moved them to my soft limits.

There are multiple reasons why I have them listed in my limits, reasons that I have thought over and over about. They scare, rather, terrify me! I am hoping that by understanding the reasons they terrify me, I (and my Dom) might have a better chance of conquering my fear.

Claustrophobia
I am claustrophobic. This doesn't just include being stuck in small spaces. Just the thought of having anything around my neck or over my face makes me feel panicked. It makes it hard to breathe. Logically I know that having something in my mouth isn't going to stop me from breathing, especially if I use a breathable gag, or open mouth gag. But logic doesn't stop my body from reacting to the fear.

Most gags are designed to "lock" on in some way. I think the strap and buckle is most scary because it is not easily removed. I imagine it getting stuck on me and not being able to remove it quickly. It is about that feeling of being trapped.

Possible solutions/steps:
  • Use an item like a dental retractor that doesn't require straps
  • Use open mouth gags or breathable ball gags
  • Use gags that don't have straps
  • Convert the standard buckle strap into a simple tie/ribbon system

Humiliation
Humiliation is something that I have struggled with throughout my life. It has been a limit because I suffered childhood abuse that has damaged my self confidence and given me some confidence issues. I struggle with feeling pretty, sexy or wanted.

When you use a gag, it distorts your face and makes you look funny. It also makes you sound funny since you can't move your mouth properly.

Possible solutions/steps:
  • Use something like a peg on my tongue to ease into it
  • Use gags that don't have straps
  • Use something that acts like a gag but doesn't "feel" like a gag (ie: a marker or a paci
  • Use something privately where nobody can hear or see me
  • Take a photo of myself with a gag in without having to show anybody

Messy
One of the biggest side effects from using gags is the drool. Slimey, gooey drool dripping down my mouth, chest, etc. ICK! I hate being messy. I am a princess. Princess' don't get messy. Bodily fluids are a whole other level. Just ick!!!

Possible solutions/steps:
  • Use a gag made from an absorbent material (ie: panties, sock, material of some kind)
  • Use gags for short periods of time so that drool doesn't have a chance to make a mess
  • Be allowed to use a towel, or my hand to wipe my mouth
  • Be allowed to be in a position that doesn't encourage drool (ie: laying on my back

... But it's so freaking hot!!!!
Gags terrify me for all of the above reasons but for those same reasons, the thought of using a gag turns me on SO FREAKING MUCH!

Being put in situations that make me uncomfortable, squirmy or scared is hot. Especially when I am enduring because it is something that my Dom wants. It all comes back to the control of the matter. It is the reason I am so interested in fear play.

But because of my fear, I really need somebody who is capable of pushing me despite my fear. I hope that in time I will find somebody who I trust and who is willing to give me the push that I need.
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    StrawDog's Avatar
    I love everything about this post, and it's given me all kinds of thoughts at a most inappropriate time. Can't answer fully now, but will pm, or you can kik me if you still use it.

    Love it, thank you, and I hope you and the feller are keeping well.

    Take care.
    Posted 11-12-2020 at 02:31 AM by StrawDog StrawDog is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Jaro's Avatar
    Ah... the love/hate relationship. I can relate to that. Not with gags but with other stuff. It's scary but exciting at the same time.

    I think a big part of BDSM is pushing boundaries and conquering fears. But somethings you really need someone to actually push you!
    Posted 11-12-2020 at 08:13 AM by Jaro Jaro is offline
  3. Old Comment
    MsX's Avatar
    What a beautifully written post! You described all the problems so well and thought through the solutions clearly. I'm so interested to see where this leads you.

    I really hope you find someone who gives the right amount of push
    Posted 11-12-2020 at 08:38 AM by MsX MsX is offline
  4. Old Comment
    zephyrnem's Avatar
    Fascinating. I recognize similar feelings in myself. I often want to be used in such a way that I derive no actual sexual pleasure from it in the moment. Fear, humiliation, a certain level of pain drive out even the erotic enjoyment in the moment. Drowning. Kind of an ultimate sub dream, because, after the fact, the intense memory and viewing my debasement from outside after the fact becomes VERY stimulating. This, I recognize, pushes me to be a bit more...dangerous. It is also hard to find. Most doms (including myself when in that mode) get off on exciting my subs. It is...humiliatingly obvious when I am not excited. Yet, that is what I crave. Most doms back off seeing I am limp. And thats the point where I need more.
    Posted 11-12-2020 at 11:04 AM by zephyrnem zephyrnem is offline
 

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