It's like a normal world, only weirder. Now with 100% more poetry!
The annoyance of owning an above-average sized penis
Posted 12-01-2015 at 04:36 PM by An_Jon
I'll just shoot it out straight away - I have a penis of above-average sized proportions. Nothing world changing or anything, but decent. It won't change someone's life, will very likely never be on one of those Tumbr gifs where the girl goes all wide-eyed as though screaming 'I HAVE TO TAKE THAT?; and it will certainly never solve world peace. It will, however, make my girlfriend cum like a low-powered water fountain, so I'm not complaining about that.
But there are struggles for men like me. Struggles that most men just don't understand. Struggles that I can't fully articulate through one blog post - but I will at least try to sum up my pain and suffering for you.
1) Skinny trousers.
These can fully fuck right off. I can wear a pair of trousers that FIT MY WAISTLINE PERFECTLY WELL THANKYOUVERYMUCH, and walk confidently to work only to find that my flaccid other Jon is almost too visible to the outside world. It's baggy trousers for you, my friend, just hope you don't mind going for that 'little brother wearing hand-me-downs on his first day of school' look every damn day.
Don't even get me started on if I happen to accidentally have a 'happy thought' through the day. It looks like someone tried to vacuum pack an angry cobra.
2) It's nothing really to shout about
I don't have a big penis. The man on Tumblr who looks like he's holding Hercules' arm has a big penis. Really, it's more of a plucky underachiever that's found its way into the big leagues. Additionally, it's not even harnessed by a man with the bravado, outright confidence, or (if we're honest) the size to wield it like Cloud's Sword.
It's like having a superpower that's just, like, the ability to change the colour of apples between red and green. When you tell people you have a superpower they're like 'WOW, I WANNA SEEEEEE,' but when you use it on them they just sort of shrug and look away. As a result, I become the superhero who knows no-one is interested in his powers, so I don't make myself a cape and don't yeah I agree this has gone on long enough.
3. I can't really gain anything from shaming.
Guys with small, average and large willies have the advantage that they have the option of gaining from people trying to shame them for their endowment. I, however, do not.
Some people with small dingies like having their penis being called small etc - it gratifies them. I, however, knowing the sad truth just ignore these comments.
People with normal dongs can be inspired to prove otherwise, often pulling off great achievements and looking all machismo. I do not get inspired by this - it illicits no emotion in me. Therefore, I continue being a distinctly average bloke.
Guys with tree trunks can just pull down their trousers, and everyone is wowed. I cannot do this, everyone will be underwhelmed at best due to the build up this would need.
#TheStruggleIsReal
4. I feel like a fraud
I'm not a huge guy, and I'm not a particularly confident guy irl - therefore when I buy a pack of 'king sized' condoms the person over the counter always looks at me as though I'm playing a prank on them. One person actually leaned over the counter to look at me (the inspiration for this blog). They always look as though they're about to say "yeah, you've had your fun, now go and buy the normal ones like you know you should."
Trouble is, without any bravado to just act smooth in the situation, it makes me feel like I am playing a sick prank, and that I should be trying to squeeze my way into normal condoms, to the point where it actually bruises the base of my wang (this alone could be its own section).
One time I thought it would help if I winked at the girl at the checkout. She was about 50. I still feel like an idiot. It was over 3 years ago.
5. Sweatpants
That's not an extra crease.
6 It still hurts
Yeah, it might not be massive, but past a certain point you can't really lose yourself without hurting your partner. The tip is excessive foreplay, which fortunately I enjoy. There are still occasions though when, ummm, 'entering Earth's atmosphere' that things still get a bit 'owwie owwie'.
I also can't successfully provide anal, which sucks as I'm bisexual and identify more with being the top. Really careful sex isn't my style, in truth, so it has to be very restrained and, without kink, would probably be really fucking dull.
So yeah, guys, if you ever think that you're not big enough, check your privilege.
Before anyone asks, of course this is tongue in cheek. I'll stick my tongue in a lot of places if you ask nicely.
But there are struggles for men like me. Struggles that most men just don't understand. Struggles that I can't fully articulate through one blog post - but I will at least try to sum up my pain and suffering for you.
1) Skinny trousers.
These can fully fuck right off. I can wear a pair of trousers that FIT MY WAISTLINE PERFECTLY WELL THANKYOUVERYMUCH, and walk confidently to work only to find that my flaccid other Jon is almost too visible to the outside world. It's baggy trousers for you, my friend, just hope you don't mind going for that 'little brother wearing hand-me-downs on his first day of school' look every damn day.
Don't even get me started on if I happen to accidentally have a 'happy thought' through the day. It looks like someone tried to vacuum pack an angry cobra.
2) It's nothing really to shout about
I don't have a big penis. The man on Tumblr who looks like he's holding Hercules' arm has a big penis. Really, it's more of a plucky underachiever that's found its way into the big leagues. Additionally, it's not even harnessed by a man with the bravado, outright confidence, or (if we're honest) the size to wield it like Cloud's Sword.
It's like having a superpower that's just, like, the ability to change the colour of apples between red and green. When you tell people you have a superpower they're like 'WOW, I WANNA SEEEEEE,' but when you use it on them they just sort of shrug and look away. As a result, I become the superhero who knows no-one is interested in his powers, so I don't make myself a cape and don't yeah I agree this has gone on long enough.
3. I can't really gain anything from shaming.
Guys with small, average and large willies have the advantage that they have the option of gaining from people trying to shame them for their endowment. I, however, do not.
Some people with small dingies like having their penis being called small etc - it gratifies them. I, however, knowing the sad truth just ignore these comments.
People with normal dongs can be inspired to prove otherwise, often pulling off great achievements and looking all machismo. I do not get inspired by this - it illicits no emotion in me. Therefore, I continue being a distinctly average bloke.
Guys with tree trunks can just pull down their trousers, and everyone is wowed. I cannot do this, everyone will be underwhelmed at best due to the build up this would need.
#TheStruggleIsReal
4. I feel like a fraud
I'm not a huge guy, and I'm not a particularly confident guy irl - therefore when I buy a pack of 'king sized' condoms the person over the counter always looks at me as though I'm playing a prank on them. One person actually leaned over the counter to look at me (the inspiration for this blog). They always look as though they're about to say "yeah, you've had your fun, now go and buy the normal ones like you know you should."
Trouble is, without any bravado to just act smooth in the situation, it makes me feel like I am playing a sick prank, and that I should be trying to squeeze my way into normal condoms, to the point where it actually bruises the base of my wang (this alone could be its own section).
One time I thought it would help if I winked at the girl at the checkout. She was about 50. I still feel like an idiot. It was over 3 years ago.
5. Sweatpants
That's not an extra crease.
6 It still hurts
Yeah, it might not be massive, but past a certain point you can't really lose yourself without hurting your partner. The tip is excessive foreplay, which fortunately I enjoy. There are still occasions though when, ummm, 'entering Earth's atmosphere' that things still get a bit 'owwie owwie'.
I also can't successfully provide anal, which sucks as I'm bisexual and identify more with being the top. Really careful sex isn't my style, in truth, so it has to be very restrained and, without kink, would probably be really fucking dull.
So yeah, guys, if you ever think that you're not big enough, check your privilege.
Before anyone asks, of course this is tongue in cheek. I'll stick my tongue in a lot of places if you ask nicely.
Total Comments 12
Comments
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I just want to point out that they make condoms sized to make men feel better about themselves.
It also doesn't matter what size you're buying, you get weird looks.
Also, skinny trousers and thanksgiving don't get along either.
also, ingrown hairs on any size vagina hurts.
Also, when I wear sweatpants... It's because I have a baby belly. no, not an actually baby.
Basically, these problems exist everywhere.Posted 12-01-2015 at 04:48 PM by eivins 
Updated 12-01-2015 at 04:52 PM by eivins -
Quote:Originally Posted by eivins
I just want to point out that they make condoms sized to make men feel better about themselves.
It also doesn't matter what size you're buying, you get weird looks.
Also, skinny trousers and thanksgiving don't get along either.
also, ingrown hairs on any size vagina hurts.
Also, when I wear sweatpants... It's because I have a baby belly. no, not an actually baby.
Basically, these problems exist everywhere.
Yes, I too noticed that when I was younger, and saw that the smallest size possible is large. Male egos, amirite?
Who mentioned thanksgiving or bellies? I didn't mention those at all.
WHO MENTIONED INGROWN HAIRS? They hurt guys of any size too. I purposefully didn't mention ingrown hairs because they have no relevance at all.
However, thanks for commenting.
thisblogpostisajokePosted 12-01-2015 at 05:02 PM by An_Jon
Updated 12-01-2015 at 05:38 PM by An_Jon -
Just pointing out all the REAL problems.
You mentioned tight trousers,sweatpants, and hurting vaginas... So...
And ingrown hairs are relevant because they're much more bothersome to a vagina than a sarcastically oversized penis. Just saying. #therealissues
They may be more of a pain to an anus, however, so I will concede that point.
And it's obviously a joke, albeit not a funny one. *rolls eyes*Posted 12-01-2015 at 06:45 PM by eivins
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This was hilarious to read
Posted 12-01-2015 at 10:33 PM by Tigerlily
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Well don't get me started on the problems associated with being tall!Posted 12-02-2015 at 02:34 AM by Wardell
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I bet it hurts less then accidentally killing nearby small animals when pulling your pants down. I can't own a cat any more.Quote:Originally Posted by eivins
Just pointing out all the REAL problems.
You mentioned tight trousers,sweatpants, and hurting vaginas... So...
And ingrown hairs are relevant because they're much more bothersome to a vagina than a sarcastically oversized penis. Just saying. #therealissues
Yeah, you concede that point right in the ass.Quote:Originally Posted by eivins
They may be more of a pain to an anus, however, so I will concede that point.
You know what's the least funny joke? Having an over-average sized willy.Quote:Originally Posted by eivins
And it's obviously a joke, albeit not a funny one. *rolls eyes*Posted 12-02-2015 at 12:28 PM by An_Jon
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Thanks!Quote:Originally Posted by Tigerlily
This was hilarious to read
How tall are you? I'm around 6"1/6"2, so I'm around what you'd call tall. #CanNeverStandUpStraightOnTheBus #JeansNeverFitBothMyLegAndWaistSizeQuote:Originally Posted by Wardell
Well don't get me started on the problems associated with being tall!Posted 12-02-2015 at 12:30 PM by An_Jon
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I'm 6'6" (197cm), so not quite professional basketballer height.Quote:Originally Posted by An_Jon
How tall are you? I'm around 6"1/6"2, so I'm around what you'd call tall. #CanNeverStandUpStraightOnTheBus #JeansNeverFitBothMyLegAndWaistSize
Jeans aren't such a problem - with Levis, but I ride a motorcycle, and have to have Kevlar jeans custom made. Suits, and the like, you just cannot buy off the rack. Oh, and don't ever expect to fit on just any motorcycle, especially sports bikes.
Having said all that, it's nice to be able to see over the crowd
Posted 12-03-2015 at 09:52 PM by Wardell
Updated 12-03-2015 at 09:54 PM by Wardell -
Wow. Thanks for the clarification. Glad to still get along with it somehow.Posted 09-28-2016 at 08:07 AM by CSasha
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I bet I could shame your penis.
Posted 09-28-2016 at 12:29 PM by iSpuds
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You're welcome! It's a daily struggle, but I pull through!Quote:Originally Posted by Cassandra
Wow. Thanks for the clarification. Glad to still get along with it somehow.
Hah! You could try... my penis feels no shame.Quote:Originally Posted by iSpuds
I bet I could shame your penis.Posted 10-02-2016 at 04:36 PM by An_Jon
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Pretty much died laughing when I read this. No really, I have bronchitis, laughing is legitimately dangerous for me right now.Quote:Before anyone asks, of course this is tongue in cheek. I'll stick my tongue in a lot of places if you ask nicely.Posted 03-01-2018 at 10:57 AM by EmeraldGrace
