A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
Run, run, as fast as you can ... part 2
Posted 06-17-2017 at 08:48 AM by Butterfly
Read part 1 here ....
8. They disappear unexpectedly and without explanation for long periods of time
Everybody has real life things going on. You may work, or go to school. You have family and friend obligations, a social life, hobbies, etc. And emergencies happen. But if somebody is regularly disappearing during a play session without warning, or not getting in contact for days at a time without any notice, that is a red flag.
I think it is pretty common for people here to have a "double life" so to speak. Your family and friends may not know about your kinky side, and that is ok. You have to be careful that they do not see your conversations etc. But I am also a big believer that 90% of the time, there is a way to get a message to your play partner to let them know you will be unavailable. Nothing is worse than getting ghosted and not knowing what is happening or why. If you see this pattern starting at the beginning of the relationship, what are the chances it will get better over time?
9. They are not willing to share at least some details of their personal life.
As I mentioned in number 8, most people do not share this part of their life with their family or friends. So to protect our careers, our family, our privacy, we may decide not to share certain information about ourselves. That is perfectly ok! I will never press somebody for details about their life that they do not wish to share. That being said, how are you going to build a relationship with somebody who is not willing to share anything! If it is like pulling teeth to get basic information from your play partner (ie. which country do you live in, what hobbies do you enjoy, what is your experience level, etc.), then that is a red flag that either they are not serious, or that they have something to hide.
10. You are constantly being punished.
This kind of relates to number 7. If you feel as though you are constantly being punished, it might mean that your play partner is only interested in punishment. "Funishment" is a kink that some people enjoy. It is enjoying the feeling of being punished, but there is no real reason that you deserve it. It should be something that both parties enjoy. A punishment is given out for doing something wrong.
A punishment should also fit the crime. If you forget to call your Dom "Sir" on day one, your punishment should not be that you cannot cum for a year. Extreme and unfair punishments are a big red flag!
11. You are scared of them.
It is normal to be scared of disappointing your play partner, or being scared that you may lose them or even scared of trying a certain task. However, being truly scared of your play partner is not ok! There is a thin line between BDSM and abuse, and having real fear of your play partner crosses that line. Your play partner should make you feel safe at all times, even when you are trying something scary or you have disappointed them.
12. Lying
If you start to catch your play partner lying, that is a huge red flag. Even if it something little like ... "I am going to bed now" and you see that they were on getDare posting for another 2 hours. If lying comes naturally to them, where do they draw the line. Lying is a huge breach of trust, and you cannot have a solid relationship without trust.
13. Non Consent
One of the biggest things to remember about D/s is that nothing can happen without your consent. Whether it is something small such as calling you a "slave" or "slut" without asking if it is ok, or if it is something big like blackmail, if you do not consent, it is NOT ok. Of course, in the early stages of a relationship, when you are trying to figure things out, there may be times where one or both of you overstep. As long as communication happens, and apologies are made, and steps to correct it happen, then there is no harm done. However, if it continues, you should run!
Again, there are relationships that follow consensual non-consent, but just like no limit relationships, this should be entered into much later in a relationship and under very specific conditions.
14. You are unhappy
The biggest red flag of them all is your happiness. If you are not happy, you are not enjoying yourself, then you need to stop! Your happiness is the most important thing. Of course there will be hiccups along the way. There will be times you are being punished or punishing your partner and you may be unhappy. There will be fights or arguments. But the relationship should make you happy most of the time, not miserable.
8. They disappear unexpectedly and without explanation for long periods of time
Everybody has real life things going on. You may work, or go to school. You have family and friend obligations, a social life, hobbies, etc. And emergencies happen. But if somebody is regularly disappearing during a play session without warning, or not getting in contact for days at a time without any notice, that is a red flag.
I think it is pretty common for people here to have a "double life" so to speak. Your family and friends may not know about your kinky side, and that is ok. You have to be careful that they do not see your conversations etc. But I am also a big believer that 90% of the time, there is a way to get a message to your play partner to let them know you will be unavailable. Nothing is worse than getting ghosted and not knowing what is happening or why. If you see this pattern starting at the beginning of the relationship, what are the chances it will get better over time?
9. They are not willing to share at least some details of their personal life.
As I mentioned in number 8, most people do not share this part of their life with their family or friends. So to protect our careers, our family, our privacy, we may decide not to share certain information about ourselves. That is perfectly ok! I will never press somebody for details about their life that they do not wish to share. That being said, how are you going to build a relationship with somebody who is not willing to share anything! If it is like pulling teeth to get basic information from your play partner (ie. which country do you live in, what hobbies do you enjoy, what is your experience level, etc.), then that is a red flag that either they are not serious, or that they have something to hide.
10. You are constantly being punished.
This kind of relates to number 7. If you feel as though you are constantly being punished, it might mean that your play partner is only interested in punishment. "Funishment" is a kink that some people enjoy. It is enjoying the feeling of being punished, but there is no real reason that you deserve it. It should be something that both parties enjoy. A punishment is given out for doing something wrong.
A punishment should also fit the crime. If you forget to call your Dom "Sir" on day one, your punishment should not be that you cannot cum for a year. Extreme and unfair punishments are a big red flag!
11. You are scared of them.
It is normal to be scared of disappointing your play partner, or being scared that you may lose them or even scared of trying a certain task. However, being truly scared of your play partner is not ok! There is a thin line between BDSM and abuse, and having real fear of your play partner crosses that line. Your play partner should make you feel safe at all times, even when you are trying something scary or you have disappointed them.
12. Lying
If you start to catch your play partner lying, that is a huge red flag. Even if it something little like ... "I am going to bed now" and you see that they were on getDare posting for another 2 hours. If lying comes naturally to them, where do they draw the line. Lying is a huge breach of trust, and you cannot have a solid relationship without trust.
13. Non Consent
One of the biggest things to remember about D/s is that nothing can happen without your consent. Whether it is something small such as calling you a "slave" or "slut" without asking if it is ok, or if it is something big like blackmail, if you do not consent, it is NOT ok. Of course, in the early stages of a relationship, when you are trying to figure things out, there may be times where one or both of you overstep. As long as communication happens, and apologies are made, and steps to correct it happen, then there is no harm done. However, if it continues, you should run!
Again, there are relationships that follow consensual non-consent, but just like no limit relationships, this should be entered into much later in a relationship and under very specific conditions.
14. You are unhappy
The biggest red flag of them all is your happiness. If you are not happy, you are not enjoying yourself, then you need to stop! Your happiness is the most important thing. Of course there will be hiccups along the way. There will be times you are being punished or punishing your partner and you may be unhappy. There will be fights or arguments. But the relationship should make you happy most of the time, not miserable.
Total Comments 5
Comments
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I love both parts of this and agree wholeheartedly with every point made. There are so many people who think BDSM entitles them to be an abusive asshole and it's okay.
I was once told being hit by someone in temper was okay because we participated in D/s. That is SO NOT TRUE. But there will always be the people who say and do things like that and the points in these blogs and if this guide helps even one single person avoid that then that is wonderful.
Even if you operate under R.A.C.K you are ultimately responsible for your own safety and wellbeing, but sometimes you need a little bit of help to be able to see the abusive situation you are in. And this blog marks several of them out wonderfully.Posted 06-17-2017 at 01:34 PM by IceMaiden 
Updated 06-17-2017 at 01:35 PM by IceMaiden (Adding colour but readable colour this time :p) -
This is a great blog and one I wish all newbies would read. A D/s relationship can be so much more intense than a vanilla relationship therefore trust becomes so much more important.Posted 06-17-2017 at 05:37 PM by Mr. Devious
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This is a great blog!
As a dom I want to say to new or experienced subs: "read it, act on it, don't feel bad if you need to run for this. The dom should feel bad to force you to run, to have broken your trust".
I want to say it "as a dom" to imprint this is not just the opinion of a sub.
The other thing I want to say,
This is probably where casual play runs into relationship. With casual play getting "nice intelligent" dares is preferred, but I would expect a sub to be sensible enough to recognize the bad ones. When going into a relationship some form of power exchange gets in. Especially then these things become sooooooo important.
It's a responsibility the sub is offering the dom. He should be very very aware of it and cherish it. She should be absolutely sure he is up to it,.. he is worth it.Posted 06-18-2017 at 02:04 AM by sir sam
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I'm new here and I just read these and truly appreciate you writing them all out! Thank you, this is very helpful for subs (like me) and wish I would have read them sooner!
Posted 08-27-2017 at 02:44 PM by ..Karma.Sutra..
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You're very welcome.Quote:Originally Posted by ..Karma.Sutra..
I'm new here and I just read these and truly appreciate you writing them all out! Thank you, this is very helpful for subs (like me) and wish I would have read them sooner!Posted 08-27-2017 at 05:12 PM by Butterfly
