How Far I have Come...
I have been pretty open for the last 18 months or so about my struggles and recovery with anorexia and bulimia after years of hiding it from everyone who was even a little bit close to me.
The majority of the last 18 months have been very good in terms of recovery and sensible eating (except for enjoying junk food too much after years of denying myself any.) Of course there have been a few slips such as a few days of not eating or a binge and then throwing up or constant hours of exercise- but those were all within the first few weeks of starting the recovery process.
Even though I was/am doing extremely well keeping on the road to recovery I am fully aware that the want of losing weight and the temptation of achieving it in not so healthy ways will always be with me. Although it is much easier than it was 18 months ago it is still almost a daily fight to keep on this path. Especially because since starting to eat properly again I have gained quite a lot due to my body not being used to it and storing everything I ate as fat in the first months of recovery.
So when AM mentioned the other day that he would set me an optional challenge, that being if I lost x amount by the 1st of March I could get my hair styled and coloured how I want it, instead of how he wants it...
Firstly I was a little taken aback. There's an important reason we don't use food control or forced exercise in our relationship. He said not too long ago he once considered making me'earn' each meal and then decided it was far too dangerous as I probably just wouldn't eat at all and he is right about that.
So when he mentioned the above my first reaction was one of is it safe? Can I do it? Will I go too far? And then I calculated how much I would need to lose per week in order to achieve the goal and told him....
"x amount in a month? That's not healthy. That's way more than the recommendation. I refuse this challenge entirely on grounds of health."
To be very clear: He miscalculated. He would kill me if I aimed for the amount he accidentally said in a month.
And after I told him the above...I was genuinely shocked at my response. For so long my immediate response and/or thoughts would have been: "Okay so if I stop that, don't eat that, skip that..." etc. But this time I looked at the numbers, the amount of time to do it in and thought "No way. Not healthy at all." And I was both genuinely shocked but proud of myself.
18 months ago I would have accepted it without thinking about the health ramifications and achieved it by making myself even sicker than I already was. This time I put my health before all else and my response made me fully aware for the first time since starting recovery just how far I have come with it.
When I told AM I refused and it wasn't healthy he realized he had miscalculated and corrected it to the number he had intended. This number was healthy to lose within the given time frame and instead of automatically accepting it I actually thought about it and considered any possible ramifications if I chose to accept it.
I told him I would accept the challenge now but I wanted to be able to end the challenge at any given time with no repercussions if I felt I was starting to take it too far. He agreed and said he would also end it at any given time if he felt I was taking it too far.
So come tomorrow will be the first time we have incorporated food control, or at least some extent of food control, into our relationship. I don't know how it will go. We may have to stop it but I hope we wont. I hope I can do it the right way and not fall into old habits. Maybe I shouldn't be doing it all, given my history. But I trust AM to pull me back if it is needed. I genuinely do not know if this is something I wiill be able to achieve the right way. Time will tell.
The majority of the last 18 months have been very good in terms of recovery and sensible eating (except for enjoying junk food too much after years of denying myself any.) Of course there have been a few slips such as a few days of not eating or a binge and then throwing up or constant hours of exercise- but those were all within the first few weeks of starting the recovery process.
Even though I was/am doing extremely well keeping on the road to recovery I am fully aware that the want of losing weight and the temptation of achieving it in not so healthy ways will always be with me. Although it is much easier than it was 18 months ago it is still almost a daily fight to keep on this path. Especially because since starting to eat properly again I have gained quite a lot due to my body not being used to it and storing everything I ate as fat in the first months of recovery.
So when AM mentioned the other day that he would set me an optional challenge, that being if I lost x amount by the 1st of March I could get my hair styled and coloured how I want it, instead of how he wants it...
Firstly I was a little taken aback. There's an important reason we don't use food control or forced exercise in our relationship. He said not too long ago he once considered making me'earn' each meal and then decided it was far too dangerous as I probably just wouldn't eat at all and he is right about that.
So when he mentioned the above my first reaction was one of is it safe? Can I do it? Will I go too far? And then I calculated how much I would need to lose per week in order to achieve the goal and told him....
"x amount in a month? That's not healthy. That's way more than the recommendation. I refuse this challenge entirely on grounds of health."
To be very clear: He miscalculated. He would kill me if I aimed for the amount he accidentally said in a month.
And after I told him the above...I was genuinely shocked at my response. For so long my immediate response and/or thoughts would have been: "Okay so if I stop that, don't eat that, skip that..." etc. But this time I looked at the numbers, the amount of time to do it in and thought "No way. Not healthy at all." And I was both genuinely shocked but proud of myself.
18 months ago I would have accepted it without thinking about the health ramifications and achieved it by making myself even sicker than I already was. This time I put my health before all else and my response made me fully aware for the first time since starting recovery just how far I have come with it.
When I told AM I refused and it wasn't healthy he realized he had miscalculated and corrected it to the number he had intended. This number was healthy to lose within the given time frame and instead of automatically accepting it I actually thought about it and considered any possible ramifications if I chose to accept it.
I told him I would accept the challenge now but I wanted to be able to end the challenge at any given time with no repercussions if I felt I was starting to take it too far. He agreed and said he would also end it at any given time if he felt I was taking it too far.
So come tomorrow will be the first time we have incorporated food control, or at least some extent of food control, into our relationship. I don't know how it will go. We may have to stop it but I hope we wont. I hope I can do it the right way and not fall into old habits. Maybe I shouldn't be doing it all, given my history. But I trust AM to pull me back if it is needed. I genuinely do not know if this is something I wiill be able to achieve the right way. Time will tell.
Total Comments 11
Comments
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Another point to this is. We all make mistakes, we are all human. As a Dominant, my mistakes have the potential to be very damaging. This is why we discuss every aspect of our loves before we implement them. I would have realised and corrected the mistake, but I am so proud of my girl for jumping on me for it.
As for progress. The progress you have made, princess, is the reason I finally feel secure enough to do this with you. I wouldnt have dared to 18 months ago. Your reaction to my mistake proves that you are ready to make the attempt. Whether it succeeds or not is an entirely different matter. The fact you are in a place where you can try this healhtily is an achievement all by itself.
Posted 01-29-2017 at 04:30 PM by AbusiveMaster 
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I am glad you are/have been recovering well. I know this is a hard area for you as I remember you telling me to remove my skype comment because it mentioned food a long time ago (which I didn't mind doing).
Keep up the good work!Posted 01-29-2017 at 04:44 PM by Ly Ph
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That's exactly what I want from any partner, Dom/Top/Master or sub/slave: don't switch off your brain (until I tell you to, and then I should be damn certain I have made no mistakes at all). As AM said it again, everybody makes mistakes, and even not, there are so many details possibly not exchanged that can change any healthy calculation into an unhealthy one. Feedback is so important. I cannot overemphasize this.
Posted 01-29-2017 at 06:13 PM by CSasha
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This sounds like a really empowering moment and project for you! I wish you all the best luck and support.Posted 01-29-2017 at 07:19 PM by iSpuds
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You are so amazing! I am incredibly proud of you for everything you have accomplished and I know how gigantic of a step this is for both of you. But I know with AM by your side (even if he is a big mean bully) you will succeed. I believe in you!Posted 01-29-2017 at 07:30 PM by Butterfly
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I am so proud of you. *Hugs* I agree with AM, even where you mentioned the calculation mistake isn't healthy is a big step and proves you are ready to at least try.
Oh and don't worry, if he kills you, we all will and together to kill him.
There's already torches ready, mean they're pretty dusty as he hasn't gave us a reason to even get them out of the box.
Good luck and I have faith in you.Posted 01-29-2017 at 08:31 PM by LitDarkness
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I belive in you too and very very very proud of you!Posted 01-29-2017 at 09:30 PM by Heart
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Your blog was a "must react" one,.. But i was busy.
So,... Here you go.....
First....
Personally i am so superhappy to have a pet with brains (oh... A lot of brains actually). So i really really recognize what you say. And from a doms perspective i can say it is damn good when a sub or pet tells you when you overflow.
It's exactly that... Making a mistake.... We all make mistakes... It would be sooo scared if my pet would follow me blindly.
And... That said.... She DOES (almost) follow me blindly (exactly like i know you do). But (like you) she "understands" what i am asking. She has "a feel" what i would ask, and what is likely a mistake.
Then second......
Starting a task with food.... In your situation..., i wish you all the good i can think of. I really really really intensely understand the huge mountain you have climbed. If it gets difficult,... Please remember you have friends who are proud at you. Friends who understand damn well how difficult this is.Posted 01-30-2017 at 03:49 PM by sir sam
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A very courageous blog and decision from the both of you. AM, thank you for being so honest. There are a lot of doms and subs that can take something away from this.
It goes to show that we are all just human beings. Doms can make mistakes, just like subs. Trusting a Dom a 100% ánd using your own good judgement can go very well together. The trust means that you don't have to worry about speaking your mind and knowing that the Dom will listen to what you have to say. This is not a weakness on the part of the Dom, it is actually very commendable. For the sub; It's not topping from the bottom, it's not being being disobedient, it's using your own good judgement and always being open and honest.Posted 01-31-2017 at 01:53 AM by little pet
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Just something that hits my mind.
I also drive my pet for weightloss.
But i did not set her a weight target. In my experience weighttargets are very difficult to enforce. Bodies can react in varying ways.
Instead i gave my pet eating rules. I check her rules daily. Next to that she has to weight herself daily and report in her morning mail. The weight easily varies by a pound between days.
That way the weight is more like a reward than something to get frustrated by. We celebrate together if she gets a new low-record.
Sofar she lost 9 pounds. 3 togo.
Eating rules is something one can enforce. Eating rules can be obeyed or violated. Weight itself is a result. Personally i dont like to punish for something that did not have a clear instruction to do. But,... Thats how i see itPosted 02-02-2017 at 02:50 PM by sir sam
Updated 02-02-2017 at 02:52 PM by sir sam -
Thank you everyone!
I wanted to wait to reply to comments until after I saw how I did with this challenge. I'm happy to say that I healthily lost all but one of the pounds AM set as the target in the right way for the first time since I can remember. I did gain four back during my visit to him due to eating crap while I was there as I wasn't able to cook healthy in a hotel, but already lost one of those four since being home and eating properly again. I think if I hadn't have been eating out/crap the last few days of the challenge I would have reached my goal.
We have set a new target for the 3rd June now. (And I still get my highlights!
)Posted 03-08-2017 at 04:26 AM by IceMaiden
Updated 03-08-2017 at 04:28 AM by IceMaiden
