A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
"Break Me"
Posted 05-27-2015 at 09:00 AM by Butterfly
Everybody has their own way of dealing with stress. Some people handle it in a very healthy way; running, kickboxing, listening to music, taking a bubble bath, talking it out. But for other people, they find unhealthy ways to cope with their stress; smoking, overeating, drinking. Unfortunately for me, I realized that the best way for me to cope with emotional pain and stress was to self harm.
Growing up I had a lot of stress in my life. My father was abusive in many ways and he didn't work, my brother had ADHD and behavioural problems, my uncle was a druggie who stole from the family any chance he got, and I had another brother who was 10 years younger than me that I was responsible for raising while my mom worked two jobs and went to school to support us and better herself for the sake of our family. On top of this, I was still an A student in school.
The first time I ever hurt myself was an accident. I was in the shower after seeing my brother dragged up the stairs by his ear and thrown into his room and beaten. I was sitting in the shower and I couldn't even cry because I was just so overwhelmed that I was numb. My test was tight and I couldn't breath, but I couldn't do anything. I just sat there. I didn't know what else to do, so I finally started to wash myself. Before I got out, I decided to shave my legs and that is when the razor cut me. Pretty deeply too. At first I didn't feel anything. Blood normally makes me woozy, but I just felt numb as I watched the blood go down the drain. And then all of a sudden the dam burst.
I erupted into a wave of emotion. I started to cry and then a calm settled upon me and I could finally breath again.
Throughout the years, anytime I felt overwhelmed or numb I would self harm. I never did cut myself on purpose. Like I said, blood wasn't my thing. But I had other ways to get the job done. And I never once thought about killing myself. It wasn't about suicide. It was about easing my pain, feeling something in a moment where I didn't feel anything, it was a release, the pain grounded me. I don't know how else to explain it.
Being the smart girl I am, I knew that what I was doing was unhealthy and dangerous. I risked going too far and hurting myself really badly, causing permanent harm, or getting an infection. It was a stupid thing to do.
I tried to stop a few times, but it had become an addiction of sorts, it was way too hard to stop and I always gave in. Finally, after my parents divorced when I was 16, my stress level decreased a bit, and thus so did the self harm.
However, I wasn't completely able to stop until I had moved out during college. I still had urges when life got stressful but it was easier to push them away and talk to my roommates or find something else to do. Soon after I starting dating W. We were together for 6 years. Although I still sometimes struggled with thoughts of self harm (I don't think it ever will go away completely), I never did it.
Last year W and I broke up. And during the breakup, on of my best friends did something unforgivable. I was heartbroken, and I found myself overwhelmed and numb on the bathroom floor. And I couldn't stop the urge. After 6 years, I fell into my old routine again.
The next morning, with a bandaid on, I cried out of shame and disappointment in myself. I couldn't believe I had done it again. I spent a week in bed crying and not eating after that. I was heartbroken and hurt and I was very low.
Thankfully I had Asslvr there for me to lift me back up. He helped me to feel better and to forgive myself and vowed to never let me get to that place again where I would have to self harm.
It has been a tough year. The urges have been stronger than ever. But Asslvr has kept me strong. We have talked alot about different ways to "take the edge off" when I have the urge, or to give me a healthier release. And we have found a way that seems to be working right now. All I need to do is ask Asslvr to "break me".
When I say those words he knows that I need help to overcome my urge to self harm. He knows I need to be pushed until I burst. I need release.
I have had to call on him to do this for a few times so far. Normally it involves him flogging me, pushing my limits, letting me feel the sting of the flogger over and over. Letting the pain ground me. At the same time he will have me edge over and over until I am begging. But he won't stop. No amount of bargaining or pleading will make him stop. He waits to hear my safeword. Once he hears it, we take a break and he will start again. Pushing me once again to my limits. He doesn't stop. Not until I finally break down crying. Usually this happens after he finally lets me cum, as I come down off that high, leaving me vulnerable, the emotions overtake me.
Afterwards I can breath. Sometimes I gulp the air because I feel like its been forever since I have been able to. I feel relief. I feel better.
I know it isn't easy for Asslvr to do this for me. He hates to see me hurting, but he does it because he loves me and can't stand the thought of me hurting myself.
I hope over the next couple months, as I finally get settled and we start our happily ever after, that the frequency of me saying "break me" will slowly diminish, but until then I am happier knowing that I have somebody who loves me and supports me and that I have found my healthier way of coping with life's stresses.
Growing up I had a lot of stress in my life. My father was abusive in many ways and he didn't work, my brother had ADHD and behavioural problems, my uncle was a druggie who stole from the family any chance he got, and I had another brother who was 10 years younger than me that I was responsible for raising while my mom worked two jobs and went to school to support us and better herself for the sake of our family. On top of this, I was still an A student in school.
The first time I ever hurt myself was an accident. I was in the shower after seeing my brother dragged up the stairs by his ear and thrown into his room and beaten. I was sitting in the shower and I couldn't even cry because I was just so overwhelmed that I was numb. My test was tight and I couldn't breath, but I couldn't do anything. I just sat there. I didn't know what else to do, so I finally started to wash myself. Before I got out, I decided to shave my legs and that is when the razor cut me. Pretty deeply too. At first I didn't feel anything. Blood normally makes me woozy, but I just felt numb as I watched the blood go down the drain. And then all of a sudden the dam burst.
I erupted into a wave of emotion. I started to cry and then a calm settled upon me and I could finally breath again.
Throughout the years, anytime I felt overwhelmed or numb I would self harm. I never did cut myself on purpose. Like I said, blood wasn't my thing. But I had other ways to get the job done. And I never once thought about killing myself. It wasn't about suicide. It was about easing my pain, feeling something in a moment where I didn't feel anything, it was a release, the pain grounded me. I don't know how else to explain it.
Being the smart girl I am, I knew that what I was doing was unhealthy and dangerous. I risked going too far and hurting myself really badly, causing permanent harm, or getting an infection. It was a stupid thing to do.
I tried to stop a few times, but it had become an addiction of sorts, it was way too hard to stop and I always gave in. Finally, after my parents divorced when I was 16, my stress level decreased a bit, and thus so did the self harm.
However, I wasn't completely able to stop until I had moved out during college. I still had urges when life got stressful but it was easier to push them away and talk to my roommates or find something else to do. Soon after I starting dating W. We were together for 6 years. Although I still sometimes struggled with thoughts of self harm (I don't think it ever will go away completely), I never did it.
Last year W and I broke up. And during the breakup, on of my best friends did something unforgivable. I was heartbroken, and I found myself overwhelmed and numb on the bathroom floor. And I couldn't stop the urge. After 6 years, I fell into my old routine again.
The next morning, with a bandaid on, I cried out of shame and disappointment in myself. I couldn't believe I had done it again. I spent a week in bed crying and not eating after that. I was heartbroken and hurt and I was very low.
Thankfully I had Asslvr there for me to lift me back up. He helped me to feel better and to forgive myself and vowed to never let me get to that place again where I would have to self harm.
It has been a tough year. The urges have been stronger than ever. But Asslvr has kept me strong. We have talked alot about different ways to "take the edge off" when I have the urge, or to give me a healthier release. And we have found a way that seems to be working right now. All I need to do is ask Asslvr to "break me".
When I say those words he knows that I need help to overcome my urge to self harm. He knows I need to be pushed until I burst. I need release.
I have had to call on him to do this for a few times so far. Normally it involves him flogging me, pushing my limits, letting me feel the sting of the flogger over and over. Letting the pain ground me. At the same time he will have me edge over and over until I am begging. But he won't stop. No amount of bargaining or pleading will make him stop. He waits to hear my safeword. Once he hears it, we take a break and he will start again. Pushing me once again to my limits. He doesn't stop. Not until I finally break down crying. Usually this happens after he finally lets me cum, as I come down off that high, leaving me vulnerable, the emotions overtake me.
Afterwards I can breath. Sometimes I gulp the air because I feel like its been forever since I have been able to. I feel relief. I feel better.
I know it isn't easy for Asslvr to do this for me. He hates to see me hurting, but he does it because he loves me and can't stand the thought of me hurting myself.
I hope over the next couple months, as I finally get settled and we start our happily ever after, that the frequency of me saying "break me" will slowly diminish, but until then I am happier knowing that I have somebody who loves me and supports me and that I have found my healthier way of coping with life's stresses.
Total Comments 9
Comments
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I love all your blogs and thank you for sharing all your revelations and your journey with us. This one is amazing and I'm sure was very hard to write!
I'm very proud of you and SO glad you have someone who is helping you deal with everything in a 'healthy' manner.Posted 05-27-2015 at 04:09 PM by pet monkey 
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Thank you so much Monkey. You have always been so supportive. It was hard to write but it was also very therapeutic.Posted 05-27-2015 at 05:44 PM by Butterfly
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This must've taken a ton for you to share and I'm always really, deeply impressed with your blogs. This one in particular evoked several emotions in me which allow me to feel really appreciative and happy that you now have a healthier outlet.
Hooray <3Posted 05-27-2015 at 06:31 PM by iSpuds
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I am so glad you have found a good way to cope, and I agree with iSpuds and solosubguy, I am so proud of you. I do hope that your move will help you find some more peace. Know that you are so loved.Posted 05-27-2015 at 08:12 PM by naughtylittlegirl
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This must have taken so much to write, and is very humbling for me to read. Thank you for writing this, and I'm sending you both love.Posted 05-28-2015 at 06:34 AM by StrawDog
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Impressive blog, Butterfly. Thank you for sharing! *hugs*
There were parts that sent shivers up my spine, trying to mentally place myself in your shoes. I'm sorry those things happened to you!
Time for happier times now!
You already wrote it, but I thought it before I saw that: It must be very tough for Asslvr to break you when you ask for that. I don't know if I could do it! I hope "break me" gets replaced by "hug me" over time.Posted 05-28-2015 at 06:56 AM by drwarschauu
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@ potato - thank you so much. It was tough to write but it was therapeutic in a way. It felt good to share my story and for me to look back and see how far I have cone and what I have overcome.
@ Tink - Asslvr has already helped so much over the past year and I can't wait to move and see what the future holds for us. I can only imagine how much I can heal with his love and support in person.
@ Straw - one reason I decided to write this blog was to share my story with others. Hearing about other people's experiences always helps put my life into perspective and helps me overcome my own challenges. When I see somebody overcome obstacles and emerge a healthier and happier person it inspires me and I just hope my experiences can do the same to other people. Thank you for the love and support.
@Drw - Happier times are ahead for sure. Asslvr has done an incredibly amazing job of "breaking me" when I need it. He really struggled at first and it is still hard for him to do it but he knows it is a much more positive outcome than the alternative. Plus he gets to be there and monitor me and he is in control of the situation. I can't thank him enough because I know how hard it is for him. I also really hope one day all I will need is a hug to help me get over the worst of my stresses. I can't wait.Posted 05-28-2015 at 07:39 AM by Butterfly
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It took a lot of bravery to write about this♡
Breaking you can be hard on me, but in a way it also makes me feel better knowing you are safely getting the release you need while I am able to control the pace and intensity.
I love you so much, I would do anything any way I can to help you when you hurt, even if it means pushing you to your limits.
I know I say this a lot, but, you make me SO proud.Posted 05-31-2015 at 07:07 PM by Mr. Devious
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Thank you so much honey. I really can't thank you enough for all that you do to for me.
Posted 05-31-2015 at 08:44 PM by Butterfly
