Release

*trigger warning - self harm*

Sometimes life can feel overwhelming. It's been a bumpy road - as life is. The beginning of this year has been extra bumpy.

I have had to be brave, strong, dependant, responsible and all adulty for a long time. The emotions have built up. Between work and home it seems to be never ending. I am constantly in the driver's seat. I crave release.

Today is Mother's Day and it is such a hard day for me. But I haven't shared that with many because it is meant to be a joyous event. And so I grieve in silence. Letting it build inside me.

Tonight it has built inside to a point where I want so badly to make it better. I know what will help. The urge to self harm has build steadily all night. I know exactly what I want to do. But I will resist. This blog will hold me accountable.

But I do need a release. Not just tonight. Not a quick fix.

I want to be the one taken care of sometimes. I want to turn off my brain. I want to be little and cuddled and comforted. I want to be dominated. I want to hurt in the best way possible. I want to give in to pleasure and pain and feelings and just let go. I crave submission and comfort and safety. I crave release and lightness.

But that doesn't come easy and I don't know if I will ever find that. So for now I will just fight the urge. I will breath through it and be brave and strong and adulty.