A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
I am sad
Warning: I am writting this as I lay in bed and really have no idea where it is going to lead but I need an outlet for these emotions so here it is ....
I am sad.
I really don't know what a single cause to my sadness is but I feel it. This overwhelming sadness. I have cried several times over the last few days.
I am lonely.
I don't know how it is possible that I am lonely as I lay next to the man I love but I am. I feel so alone. Don't get me wrong Asslvr is amazing but this past month I feel like I have barely seen him (Mostly my fault, not his). But more than that I feel like I have no support system here.
Back home I had my best friend and if I ever needed anything I just needed to call and she would make herself available for me. Or my mom, my other email best friend, would drop everything for me. Now I don't even know who I could call. Even if I found somebody to call I don't feel like I would be their first priority.
I know people like me. I am nice and easy to talk to. But everybody has their own family, their own friends, they don't need me.
But I need .... something. I feel a huge void. I am such a social person but it is like pulling teeth to make plans with anybody. I am nobody's first choice.
I miss my family. I miss my mom and brother and best friend. I miss being able to drive to my mom's and let myself in and go crawl into her bed when I needed a hug. I miss seeing my best friend. I miss being able to help my brother with his homework. I miss family dinners and events.
People here don't include me. I don't get invited to things. Asslvr gets invited to stuff and I kind of tag along because we are a package deal.
I feel so alone. Even when I'm around people.
And I'm planning a wedding. Alone.
Even my bridesmaid who lives in this province won't help me with wedding stuff.
The support of Asslvr's.butterfly family is what led me to believe I could do this. But I can't rely on them at all. Asslvr does his best but he is a guy and doesn't care about what color the invitations are or helping to handmake thank you cards.
I have been trying so hard not to think about hurting myself again lately. I haven't told anybody and I haven't got to the point where I have the knife in my hand, but it's been there in the dark shadows of my mind. I don't know how I will be able to continue to control the urge. Especially since Asslvr and I haven't had a chance to play or even have rules for the past few months.
My birthday is coming up in a little over a month. At home we would have a big birthday dinner with cake and presents. Here, nobody but Asslvr will probably even remember it. It doesn't matter to anybody else. They all have their own lives going on.
I am sad. And alone. And lost.
I wish I could click my heels 3 times and go home.
I am sad.
I really don't know what a single cause to my sadness is but I feel it. This overwhelming sadness. I have cried several times over the last few days.
I am lonely.
I don't know how it is possible that I am lonely as I lay next to the man I love but I am. I feel so alone. Don't get me wrong Asslvr is amazing but this past month I feel like I have barely seen him (Mostly my fault, not his). But more than that I feel like I have no support system here.
Back home I had my best friend and if I ever needed anything I just needed to call and she would make herself available for me. Or my mom, my other email best friend, would drop everything for me. Now I don't even know who I could call. Even if I found somebody to call I don't feel like I would be their first priority.
I know people like me. I am nice and easy to talk to. But everybody has their own family, their own friends, they don't need me.
But I need .... something. I feel a huge void. I am such a social person but it is like pulling teeth to make plans with anybody. I am nobody's first choice.
I miss my family. I miss my mom and brother and best friend. I miss being able to drive to my mom's and let myself in and go crawl into her bed when I needed a hug. I miss seeing my best friend. I miss being able to help my brother with his homework. I miss family dinners and events.
People here don't include me. I don't get invited to things. Asslvr gets invited to stuff and I kind of tag along because we are a package deal.
I feel so alone. Even when I'm around people.
And I'm planning a wedding. Alone.
Even my bridesmaid who lives in this province won't help me with wedding stuff.
The support of Asslvr's.butterfly family is what led me to believe I could do this. But I can't rely on them at all. Asslvr does his best but he is a guy and doesn't care about what color the invitations are or helping to handmake thank you cards.
I have been trying so hard not to think about hurting myself again lately. I haven't told anybody and I haven't got to the point where I have the knife in my hand, but it's been there in the dark shadows of my mind. I don't know how I will be able to continue to control the urge. Especially since Asslvr and I haven't had a chance to play or even have rules for the past few months.
My birthday is coming up in a little over a month. At home we would have a big birthday dinner with cake and presents. Here, nobody but Asslvr will probably even remember it. It doesn't matter to anybody else. They all have their own lives going on.
I am sad. And alone. And lost.
I wish I could click my heels 3 times and go home.
Total Comments 7
Comments
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I am really sorry you are experiencing this. I have been going through something similar and I know how much it hurts. Feel free to message me any time if you ever need to vent or even just a listening ear. I wish you the best of luck, ciao
Posted 07-19-2016 at 11:37 PM by Athanael 
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Posted 07-20-2016 at 01:40 AM by naughtylittlegirl
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You are lonely because you gave up your world for that man laying next to you. And it is not a decision you regret, but it carries consequences, little butterfly. It takes time, after moving to a new area, to establish friendships and relationshaips. It takes time to integrate with his family, and all the time it takes, you feel isolated and apart.
Unfortunately, there isn't an overnight fix for it. You WILL make new friends, thats a promise. Maybe try to go to some classes, volunteer work, a way for you to get out and meet people as YOU, not as the other half of him.
In the meantime, what is this 1980? You have skype, facetime, your phone. Call home, talk for three hours with your mom or your bestie. Throw on a video call and ask "this colour?" Ok, it isnt perfect, this I know, it isnt quite the same. But it is better than a slap in the face (unless you happen to enjoy slaps to the face.)
Between your old friends, making new, your friends and support here, and asslover himself, you CAN get through this. And there WILL be pangs of loneliness, but i promise you will get through them.
Chin up, Butterfly. You are a strong, capable, beautiful woman. You can do this.
Posted 07-20-2016 at 05:48 AM by AbusiveMaster
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I know how you feel. I get that way occasionally. Maybe doing what Abusive Master said will help or even take a road trip to go see them for a while if you can. I'm always here for you like you were there when Nzrunner left.
Posted 07-20-2016 at 07:06 AM by Baby_Puppy
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Hi Butterfly.
There are some people who go through those feelings you mention of. That overwhelming sadness.
Sometimes it is a rare occurrence and feels like it is a feeling of sadness that is isolated to your heart only, disjointed from the rest of your body and mind. It feels as if only your heart is feeling real sad, and you don't know why.
Please don't hurt yourself. Look to what you can think, say, and do to make your situation better. Please don't linger on what is wrong, but focus on how you can make constructive steps forward. Try to have an open and understanding mind and find something good in everything. I'm sure there are a lot who care about you and that you are on the top of their lists.
Who is your first choice?
Then that means everyone else isn't your first choice too.
But that doesn't mean your good heart doesn't care about others.
There are many different ways to look at things Butterfly. Please choose a way that is natural and helpful to you.
I want to see you happy again!
You know how stress and low emotions can be.
It will pass.
You have been through life, until now, with it ups an downs. You have probably been through rougher times than this, and if so, then you got this girl! Either way, you will be fine.
Cherish the blessings,
and find the blessings in the darkness,
or make the darkness a blessing.
I know you don't know me, but you can talk to me whenever you wish. I'll try my best. PM me if you wish.
I don't know how good I'll be at helping you plan a wedding
but you can still ask, and I'll give my honest opinion anyway.
I can also celebrate your birthday online and make a thoughtful and creative gift. Woo hoo!
My birthday was this past weekend.
Just remember, don't let sadness paint your surroundings for you. Be the painter, Butterfly!
~JoannaPosted 07-20-2016 at 08:55 AM by Joan Sky
Updated 07-20-2016 at 09:04 AM by Joan Sky -
Sad is bad - but you are on a long train journey (from one context of life to another) and although the train feels slow it will get there in the end.
Not much help, I know, but maybe you can regard this as a virtual hug?Posted 07-20-2016 at 09:30 AM by Cstelle
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Posted 07-21-2016 at 12:41 AM by M.G
