When Dom(me)s get it wrong.
No matter how long you have been playing with your partner or how well you know them, there is always the potential of play going wrong. It could be circumstances you weren't aware of, or your sub or dom reacting the opposite way you had hoped for or it could even just be one of those things and seem like there is no reason for it.
So what happens when it's not the sub who gets it wrong, but the dom? We see so often accounts of subs not being able to do something or feeling lousy because they weren't able to perform a scene for whatever reason - but we rarely see it from a dom perspective.
Is this because doms don't tend to get it wrong as much? I don't think so. Both sub and dom are always learning, growing, exploring and if a dom claimed to make no mistakes I would immediately think they were lying and just didn't want to admit they may have made a mistake.
And that brings me to the subject of this blog. Recently I assigned Jaro a task that I knew would push his limits, I knew he would find extremely difficult and that I knew had the possiblity of him not enjoying it in the slightest. What I didn't know is the exact way he would react - and while I knew there was a high chance of him hating the task, I never expected him to react so negatively towards it.
The task involved messy scat play, something we have played around with before with things like making Jaro poop in a nappy, but this task was a lot more extreme and degrading. His reaction to things like pooping in a nappy have always been mostly good and so I wanted to explore this type of play further, push him with it a little more. His emotional response to it highlights the fact that while a sub may enjoy a type of play they wont automatically enjoy everything about that type of play. And that's totally okay!
So what was his emotional reaction that showed me I got it wrong? He felt terrible and ashamed - and that is not something I want him to feel. There is a major difference in feeling ashamed in a horny fun evil way (I do want him to feel that!) and feeling ashamed in a negative and damaging way.
So what happens then? Butterfly and I are the ones in control and Jaro did nothing wrong but something went wrong with what I assigned him. Does being in control excuse me of that fact? Should I have told him too bad, I wanted you to do it and so you did and that's the end of it? No!! The first step was an apology. The second was to let him know how proud of him I was.
There is often a misconception from newer doms who are learning (and the just general prick type of doms) that a dom shouldn't apologise, because they are obviously never wrong because they are the one in control. Bullshit.
Things happen, mistakes are made, play doesn't turn out how you expected it to. So what? It's part of exploring and growing in your dynamic. It doesn't make you less of a dom to admit "hey you know what? I screwed up with this." It takes strength to admit to your mistakes - any idiot can deny responsibility and bluster. It does make you look like an abusive asshole when you don't admit your mistakes and learn from them.
Am I sorry for giving the task? No. We are always exploring and finding new ways to play - I think we would all be bored if we only did the tried and tested repeatedly! Am I sorry for the way Jaro felt after completing it? Yes. It was never my intention to make him feel bad. It didn't work out as I had hoped, but that is okay. We have learned more about his limitations and what has a positive effect and what has a negative effect with this particular kink.
Am I proud of Jaro? YES! You did amazing little worm and I am so so so proud of you for completing it as well as you did, you are amazing and stunning in your submission to Butterfly and I.
So what happens when it's not the sub who gets it wrong, but the dom? We see so often accounts of subs not being able to do something or feeling lousy because they weren't able to perform a scene for whatever reason - but we rarely see it from a dom perspective.
Is this because doms don't tend to get it wrong as much? I don't think so. Both sub and dom are always learning, growing, exploring and if a dom claimed to make no mistakes I would immediately think they were lying and just didn't want to admit they may have made a mistake.
And that brings me to the subject of this blog. Recently I assigned Jaro a task that I knew would push his limits, I knew he would find extremely difficult and that I knew had the possiblity of him not enjoying it in the slightest. What I didn't know is the exact way he would react - and while I knew there was a high chance of him hating the task, I never expected him to react so negatively towards it.
The task involved messy scat play, something we have played around with before with things like making Jaro poop in a nappy, but this task was a lot more extreme and degrading. His reaction to things like pooping in a nappy have always been mostly good and so I wanted to explore this type of play further, push him with it a little more. His emotional response to it highlights the fact that while a sub may enjoy a type of play they wont automatically enjoy everything about that type of play. And that's totally okay!
So what was his emotional reaction that showed me I got it wrong? He felt terrible and ashamed - and that is not something I want him to feel. There is a major difference in feeling ashamed in a horny fun evil way (I do want him to feel that!) and feeling ashamed in a negative and damaging way.
So what happens then? Butterfly and I are the ones in control and Jaro did nothing wrong but something went wrong with what I assigned him. Does being in control excuse me of that fact? Should I have told him too bad, I wanted you to do it and so you did and that's the end of it? No!! The first step was an apology. The second was to let him know how proud of him I was.
There is often a misconception from newer doms who are learning (and the just general prick type of doms) that a dom shouldn't apologise, because they are obviously never wrong because they are the one in control. Bullshit.
Things happen, mistakes are made, play doesn't turn out how you expected it to. So what? It's part of exploring and growing in your dynamic. It doesn't make you less of a dom to admit "hey you know what? I screwed up with this." It takes strength to admit to your mistakes - any idiot can deny responsibility and bluster. It does make you look like an abusive asshole when you don't admit your mistakes and learn from them.
Am I sorry for giving the task? No. We are always exploring and finding new ways to play - I think we would all be bored if we only did the tried and tested repeatedly! Am I sorry for the way Jaro felt after completing it? Yes. It was never my intention to make him feel bad. It didn't work out as I had hoped, but that is okay. We have learned more about his limitations and what has a positive effect and what has a negative effect with this particular kink.
Am I proud of Jaro? YES! You did amazing little worm and I am so so so proud of you for completing it as well as you did, you are amazing and stunning in your submission to Butterfly and I.
Total Comments 5
Comments
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It takes real strength of character to be able to admit that you screwed up. But the thing is, nobody is perfect. We are all going to screw up at one time or another.
I see it all the time at work even. People like to pass blame or cover up their mistakes with excuses.
If you screwed up, the best thing to do is admit it and learn from it. And that goes for Dom/mes as well.
I am really glad we assigned that task to Jaro, even if it didn't turn out how we wanted, because now we know more about the limits with regards to that kink. Next time we will be able to tailor things in a way that suit us all better.
I am SO proud of Jaro for continuing with the task despite how it made him feel and I am SO proud of Jaro for telling us his true feelings about how it made him feel. But I am also SO proud of you for not beating yourself up about giving him that task and instead learning from it and moving on together. That just proves how amazing you are!!Posted 05-09-2018 at 10:30 AM by Butterfly 
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It’s true. Dom(me)s make mistakes. And they need to admit. I also made a mistake once, you find it in my blog. The real sad thing is that if a dom(me) makes a mistake, the sub or pet suffers from it.
At the same time that is part of the pleasure of domming. Fully aware of the power at hand. Fully aware that the sub or pet will suffer from his/her mistakes. Responsibility and power.
Dom(me)s make mistakes but they shall make sure it happens only very very seldom. Personally I rather play save. When in doubt I always choose a careful approach (people may not understand when reading my pets blogs but it is true). Life is long. There is always a next opportunity to step-up.
Still.. dom(me)s are human. Mistakes happen.Posted 05-09-2018 at 12:57 PM by sir sam
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It is true that as a Dom/me you have a lot of power and your mistakes affect your sub, but the same can be true for most mistakes that you make in your life. Your actions always have consequences to those around you.Quote:Originally Posted by sir sam
It’s true. Dom(me)s make mistakes. And they need to admit. I also made a mistake once, you find it in my blog. The real sad thing is that if a dom(me) makes a mistake, the sub or pet suffers from it.
Making mistakes is going to happen, Dom/me's shouldn't be held to a higher standard than other people. I think it is important for Dom/mes to feel as though they are allowed to make mistakes, or else when they do, they won't feel as though they can admit it. It is that type of thinking that creates the "domly dom" idiots who don't own up to their mistakes.
Of course, there is something different to be said if you are making mistakes ALL THE TIME! That is a sign you need to do things differently.Posted 05-09-2018 at 01:11 PM by Butterfly
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Well,Quote:Originally Posted by Butterfly
It is true that as a Dom/me you have a lot of power and your mistakes affect your sub, but the same can be true for most mistakes that you make in your life.
Making mistakes is going to happen, Dom/me's shouldn't be held to a higher standard than other people.
In my opinion (that may differ from yours),
Dom(me)s are just as human as everybody, but by choosing and having given the power over their sub/pet they have gotten a significantly higher responsibility.
That doesn’t make them better persons, but it obliges them to behave to higher standards.
One of them being, as I did read to be the thought behind this blog, to feel responsible for making a mistake and “be there” when the sub/pet has a hard time as result of taking the consequence of that mistake.Posted 05-09-2018 at 11:14 PM by sir sam
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Thank you for writing this blog Goddess. I really love to read from the Dom perspective.
Yes the task was very nasty but I'm glad you are not sorry for giving it to me. It's what happens when people experiment. Things can always go wrong.
But like Einstein said: "anyone who never made a mistake never tried anything new".
And I really love to continue trying new things and experiment, even if it sometimes doesn't work out the way we planned.Posted 05-10-2018 at 08:59 PM by Jaro
