Unexpected Limits.

One of my most loved kinks is spanking and bruises that result from spanking. I would be quite happy to be permanently marked on most of my body if it were feasible. Recently I was involved in a heavy scene with one of my play partners that involved harsh spanking with hands and a belt. I have never really played with belts before, AM used one on me lightly when we met but we couldn't do much due to noise restraints in the place I was staying. So I had no idea what to expect when using it with more force and I certainly didn't expect to bruise the way I did. Almost immediately after the scene had ended bruises were already forming and when I showed AM he was surprised at how much marking I had from it.

The day after, most of my boobs had turned entirely black. They hurt to touch and not in a fun way hurt and they were so painful I couldn't even wear a bra for a day or two after. When I saw the severity of the marks I even asked AM if I needed to be concerned enough for a doctor. It then got me to thinking about the scene in question. My play partner had checked in on me a couple of times throughout the scene, I had never felt like I needed to safeword and so I never did and each time he checked on me I assured him I was fine and good to continue. The severity of the bruising showed me I was wrong. While I could take the pain at the time of the scene I had misjudged and given my body more than it could handle. My mind could handle it, my pain threshold coud handle it, my emotional and mental state could handle it...but my body simply could not.

After the scene I also dropped constantly for the following two days after it. I had never experienced that before. When I've dropped in the past it's gone away after a few hours of self care but this time it came and went repeatedly. One minute I was fine, the next it was the end of the world. This contnued for a good 48 hours and I couldn't make any sense of it. I didn't even know that it was possible to drop on and off like this.

But why did I drop? The scene in question featured all of my favourite kinks, the only real negative was the severity of bruising in later days. Was it because I accidentally gave my body more than it could handle? Was it because I went too far with edge play with someone who wasn't AM? Was it because the implement of choice was a belt? While I hadn't used belts beyond the few light hits AM gave me with one, I do have very vivid memories of one being used to beat me with as a child. I couldn't figure out the reason. I still can't figure out the reason. I don't know why I dropped. I don't know why, after all the times I have self inflicted bruises via spanking before, this one seemed a hundred times worse and that I shouldn't have allowed it to happen.

Then I got really mad at my play partner. Which made absolutely no sense at all. He checked in on me, he confirmed I was okay to use a belt, he asked if I was close to safewording. I never did. He did nothing wrong, but I was still really mad at him all of a sudden! I knew it wasn't rational and he wasn't at fault. I was. I didn't safeword, I didn't halt the scene, I didn't tell him to stop even once. So how could I be mad at him? It was all very confusing. It still is. The only reason I have reached so far is that it is because of the severity of the play with someone who isn't AM. If I'm wrong on that too, then I really have no idea.

The anger faded almost as quickly as it arrived and the bruises keep healing each day. Right now my boobs are a rainbow of colours and for the first ever time I am eagerly awaiting for the day they are mark free. Anyone who knows me even the slightest bit will be aware how unlike me that is. It's easy to put blame on my play partner or myself but I guess the real conclusion is that sometimes you can push yourself too far without meaning to. Sometimes you learn you should have safeworded even though you never felt the need to during the scene. Sometimes scenes don't work out as you intended and sometimes the end results are not what you hoped for. And...that is okay. I am always learning. It sucked to learn the lesson but the lesson learned is a valuable one. Even when things appear okay, that isn't always the case. And all we can do is learn from it and try not to let it happen again.