A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
Crossroads: Sub v. Domme
Posted 01-23-2015 at 09:55 PM by Butterfly
As you all know, I have been with Asslvr (aka Mr. Devious) as his sub for about 7 months now. Our d/s connection is magical. Right from the beginning we had an open and honest relationship, and trust started building easily from the very first day we talked (which isn't an easy thing for me to do normally).
I love being a sub. I love to please and make somebody proud of me. I love to feel cherished and wanted and needed. I love to give up control to somebody I trust, and feel a sense of freedom. I love to feel his control through daily rules and be challenged and pushed in tasks and sessions. It makes me feel so good.
Over the past few months, I have also been exploring my domme side. Asslvr and I switched a few times, and I started to like it more and more.
So, when the opportunity arose right before Christmas, I captured Colosubguy (my monkey man) and made him mine. When Asslvr expressed an interest in working with us, we became the fantastic trio we are today. Asslvr and I work together to tease, torment, and care for Colosubguy. But ultimately, I am still in charge.
I have really enjoyed being a domme these past 2 months. It makes me feel empowered and confident; two things that I have struggled with throughout my life. It puts a smile on my face to see him grow because of my nurturing and caring. I am so proud of him each and every day.
And so here is my dilemma ... (and pardon the rambliness because I really don't know where this is actually going to go, I just need somewhere to get out th words and feelings that are floating around in my head)
I have been very overwhelmed with life lately. As a lot of you know, Asslvr and I ended our romantic relationship right before Christmas. This has been hard on both of us. Although we have been trying to remain friends and continue our d/s relationship, we have been struggling a little bit (not surprisingly). We are both committed to working through things, but an incident with a bad sub drop a few weeks ago (details to be shared in another blog very soon) caused me to not want to play anymore at all.
Of course, there are other stresses as well. Real life has been taking a toll on me, and the past 6 months have been incredibly hard on me. Although I have tried to remain strong, I feel like all the stress is finally coming to head and I have just been feeling overwhelmed.
So when you put the two things together, I just haven't been feeling like I am in a very subby mood.
This is all so different for me.
Growing up, I used to engage in self harm in order to deal with overwhelming and stressfull situations. It was my coping mechanism, and it became a part of me. 6 years ago, I was able to stop doing so, until October of this year when I had a relapse. I felt an incredible amount of shame and sadness the next day. I had worked so hard, and come so far, just to be starting all over again.
It has been inexplicably hard these past few months to not hurt myself again, but with the support of a few very amazing people in my life, I have managed to succeed.
Throughout the past 6 years, the only thing that has been able to replace the need for self harm as my coping mechanism is being controlled. I call it being "broken". An intense session, where I am pushed to my limits and then have an emotional release has the same effect as self harm for me. It is that feel of release or relief when it is finished. But without the shame.
(wow that really was very rambly and all over the place)
I guess the reason I am writing today, is because I am sitting at a crossroads. I identify as being both a sub and a domme and I love being both. They are both a part of who I am.
Asslvr and I have been taking a break from each other with the hopes that we can think about what we both want and need in order to be happy. And this is what I have realized:
* I want to become more confident in myself and my abilities.
* I want to become a happier person
* I want to feel strong and believe that I can conquer everything and anything (hence my magical butterfly powers)
* I want to try new things, push my limits, meet new people, step outside of my comfort zone and grow as a person
* I want to become more independent
* I want my own identity (sometimes I feel like people only see me as Asslvr's sub and not my own person)
But the problem is this ... should I continue to be domme, a sub or a switch .... and that is where I am unsure ....
I love being a sub. I love to please and make somebody proud of me. I love to feel cherished and wanted and needed. I love to give up control to somebody I trust, and feel a sense of freedom. I love to feel his control through daily rules and be challenged and pushed in tasks and sessions. It makes me feel so good.
Over the past few months, I have also been exploring my domme side. Asslvr and I switched a few times, and I started to like it more and more.
So, when the opportunity arose right before Christmas, I captured Colosubguy (my monkey man) and made him mine. When Asslvr expressed an interest in working with us, we became the fantastic trio we are today. Asslvr and I work together to tease, torment, and care for Colosubguy. But ultimately, I am still in charge.
I have really enjoyed being a domme these past 2 months. It makes me feel empowered and confident; two things that I have struggled with throughout my life. It puts a smile on my face to see him grow because of my nurturing and caring. I am so proud of him each and every day.
And so here is my dilemma ... (and pardon the rambliness because I really don't know where this is actually going to go, I just need somewhere to get out th words and feelings that are floating around in my head)
I have been very overwhelmed with life lately. As a lot of you know, Asslvr and I ended our romantic relationship right before Christmas. This has been hard on both of us. Although we have been trying to remain friends and continue our d/s relationship, we have been struggling a little bit (not surprisingly). We are both committed to working through things, but an incident with a bad sub drop a few weeks ago (details to be shared in another blog very soon) caused me to not want to play anymore at all.
Of course, there are other stresses as well. Real life has been taking a toll on me, and the past 6 months have been incredibly hard on me. Although I have tried to remain strong, I feel like all the stress is finally coming to head and I have just been feeling overwhelmed.
So when you put the two things together, I just haven't been feeling like I am in a very subby mood.
This is all so different for me.
Growing up, I used to engage in self harm in order to deal with overwhelming and stressfull situations. It was my coping mechanism, and it became a part of me. 6 years ago, I was able to stop doing so, until October of this year when I had a relapse. I felt an incredible amount of shame and sadness the next day. I had worked so hard, and come so far, just to be starting all over again.
It has been inexplicably hard these past few months to not hurt myself again, but with the support of a few very amazing people in my life, I have managed to succeed.
Throughout the past 6 years, the only thing that has been able to replace the need for self harm as my coping mechanism is being controlled. I call it being "broken". An intense session, where I am pushed to my limits and then have an emotional release has the same effect as self harm for me. It is that feel of release or relief when it is finished. But without the shame.
(wow that really was very rambly and all over the place)
I guess the reason I am writing today, is because I am sitting at a crossroads. I identify as being both a sub and a domme and I love being both. They are both a part of who I am.
Asslvr and I have been taking a break from each other with the hopes that we can think about what we both want and need in order to be happy. And this is what I have realized:
* I want to become more confident in myself and my abilities.
* I want to become a happier person
* I want to feel strong and believe that I can conquer everything and anything (hence my magical butterfly powers)
* I want to try new things, push my limits, meet new people, step outside of my comfort zone and grow as a person
* I want to become more independent
* I want my own identity (sometimes I feel like people only see me as Asslvr's sub and not my own person)
But the problem is this ... should I continue to be domme, a sub or a switch .... and that is where I am unsure ....
Total Comments 8
Comments
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Miss Butterfly, you will always have my support. I am so happy be able to sub for both you and Asslvr. I love you both. You have definitely conquered this monkey. Anything I can do to help I will gladly.
"my monkey man" :melt:Posted 01-23-2015 at 10:29 PM by pet monkey 
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To me it sounds like you enjoy and want to pursue/explore the path of domme, however the desire to explore and try out new things without the support of a dominant is scary for you.
Being a dominant sounds new to you - you are more familiar with submissiveness, hence making you feel safe and more at home; making the decision of whether to be dominant or submissive that much harder.
Sadly, there is no right or wrong - but the things you desire puts you firmly on the dominant side.
Which ever path you choose I am sure you will still be the amazing butterfly that I have witnessed so far; I wish you (Asslvr & colosubguy) all the best - you have my support.
(Just my thoughts and opinions - I am not telling how you should feel)Posted 01-23-2015 at 11:04 PM by M.G
Updated 01-24-2015 at 08:49 PM by M.G -
Wow. Just...wow. You are a very strong and beautiful butterfly. I cannot believe how much you are working through, and have been working through, and I'm very much in awe of you right now...and I want to send you cookies and hugs and teddy bears and whatever else that will be remotely helpful.
So here's my two cents's worth: I think that the terms "domme", "sub", "switch", etc. are great, but they aren't what determines who we are. Bear with me while I attempt to explain my thought process. Language is inherently descriptive, not determinative; reality comes first, and then we try to talk about it. So I think that if being a domme, or a sub, or a switch, using that language/those categories to help understand who you are and what you want is helpful and good and fulfilling, then go for it. Keep feeling your way through and adjusting as necessary. But I have found that if I attempt to conform to certain concepts I can miss what I ought to be - I follow the template too much and end up adjusting myself rather than vice versa. What that incredibly convoluted paragraph was trying to get at is maybe ditching all of those terms for a time might be helpful, and just exploring your kinkiness regardless of a specific role per se (I really hope this is making sense). I think that unless one of them very clearly stands out above the rest, that there is a chance the answer is all of them or none of them...at least for the time being. Things can change, you can go through periods of being dominant and then other times of being submissive and still others where you're both, and it's all good. So long as at the end of the day you are happy, you are doing what you love, you are with those you love, and most importantly that you are you, then you are in excellent shape. And now I'm going to stop talking because yikes.Posted 01-24-2015 at 12:34 AM by naughtylittlegirl
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You have been so incredibly strong the past 6 months, for everything you have been through, I have been by your side, doing my best to help, comfort and reassure you. I have seen you grow and you make me feel so proud to have been a part of that.
Your growth can't stop, you derserve every bit of happiness, and finding out what you need to accomplish that is very important. I have been there for every up and every down, and I will continue to offer my love and support. I will always be there for you in any way you need.
I also want to mention that you are so much more to this community than just "my sub". You are always the first to give advise, offer warm words or a caring ear. You mean a lot to so many people here and this would be a sadder place without you.
Take your time, and just know, no matter what happens I will always stand by your side♡Posted 01-24-2015 at 07:09 AM by Mr. Devious
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Such a wonderful look into your mind and what you're going through. Being a switch can be disorienting, and balancing both sides presents plenty of challenges. I hope you can find a happy balance and that you are happy because you deserve it!
Posted 01-25-2015 at 04:02 PM by jlstockton25
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In the past few months that I've come to know you butterfly, I've watched you change and grow in confidence both through your submission to asslvr, through domination of colosubguy but also from understanding more about yourself as a person.
As you grow and learn more and more about yourself you will find you get stronger desires in either direction, we aren't static as people in our needs and desires they do change and evolve over time especially for someone who does have switch tendencies.
I'd say explore both sides further and see where it takes you, just make sure to have a hell of a lot of fun no matter what you doPosted 01-25-2015 at 04:10 PM by Tease
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You are a strong and inspiring person!
It is great that you have found a way to cope with your past struggles and thank you so much for sharing! I'm so happy for all things you discovered. And I hope you'll get more out of your journey.
To me, submitting and being controlled helps me be a more open person. I am now less scared to speak blunt truth and more willing to be open to people in general (:
Good luck and keep sharing!! I adore your posts.Posted 01-26-2015 at 02:35 AM by ariana
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@Monkey Man - Thank you so much. I know you have and will always be here to support both of us and we are both so very grateful.
@M.G. - I do want to explore my Domme side and yes, I actually never really looked at it that way, but as a sub, I had a domme to guide me and lean on, and as a Domme, I am doing it more on my own. I still do not know where the future will lead me, but thank you for your well wishes and support.
@NLG - Cookies, hugs and teddy bears sound wonderful. Again very insightful advice (see, I knew there was a reason I posted all my rambles here). I think I really do need to just take a break from labelling myself. I just want to be me, and see where it leads.
@Asslvr - Thank you being there with me through every up and down. I truly wouldn't be the person I am today without you. I know I am more than just your sub, but sometimes it just feels like that defines me ... maybe because of the name. Being your sub has been wonderful and I couldnt have asked for a better Dom, But I am so much more than just a sub, and maybe the problem is actually proving that to myself rather than others.
@JLS - Thank you. I hope I can find the right balance for me.
@Tease - As NLG suggeste, I think I am going to do just that. I am going to just have being me, whether it means i am submitting to Asslvr today and domming Colosubguy next week, I am just going to have fun, be me and grow and learn and have fun.
@Ariana - Thank you. Submitting for me has always felt empowering as well, that is why when I started to explore my Domme side, it really shocked me how much stronger and even more empoweed I felt. I didn't think it could happen. It is a completely different feeling, but I deffinetly do love both feelings. Thank you for reading and adoring my posts.Posted 01-27-2015 at 12:52 AM by Butterfly
