The task
Disclaimer : this will be somewhat dramatic but it's meant for me to vent and express myself, I know that technically things are not that big of a deal, but I'm a sensitive person and acknowledging my thoughts and emotions through writing is therapeutic and doesn't do no harm.
Something strange I couldn't have predicted happened as I got closer to having to say goodbye to my Dom. A forgotten task, a failure, turned into somewhat of an obsession.
On one of our first casual exchanges, Sir had asked me to try and fit a thong inside my vagina if I felt daring enough, something I couldn't achieve as I am/was rather narrow down there, and since as it turned out my thongs are the bulky type with a thick band, somewhere midway between a g string and normal panties, so that would have been challenging for anyone even without a tight vagina I guess.
That I didn't know, I just took it as a failure, and failure to me is usually a step , the start of a long road, rather than the end.
He never insisted on it, never asked me to do it again, but I personally tried it a few times again, thinking every time that I finally came up with the method that will make it happen.
As my Dom's departure became imminant, I would say my brain subconsciously turned this task into a way to keep him, as if I had failed him, as if doing it made me more worthy, even tho this had nothing to do with him having to leave, nor did he ever make me feel this way about any task, it was just my stupid brain that assigned it a symbolic value that it didn't have at all, as if it was a rite of passage that I had failed back then.
I tried till I was hurting, I tried in tears, I failed again and again, and it didn't sit well with me. Finally in the last few hours before we had to say goodbye, I decided to give it a last attempt, my best try.
I had worked on stretching my pussy a bit the day leading up to this (fitting 12 pens whereas I started at 7, and 8 was painful the first time), I had some additional tips from a Dom I played with who's allegedly a doctor, and I had now a few ideas to compile and give it all I have.
So it happened, I finally succeeded. Yes he never asked for it, he even didn't like that I was pushing myself that way, but for me that was a nice way to end things. The introduction task that I had failed the first day, cementing the (potentially temporary) end of our DS relationship... kinda poetic in a way if you ask me.
Now it was a bad idea, and I'm never doing that again, this stupid thong was so compressed inside of me (cause I had to push it with the handle of a toothbrush to make everything fit, like when your case is too full for all the clothes and you have to apply weight to make it close) that it got stuck for a while, fucking scared the shit out of me.
After that I was so dry I had to self stimulate to make my vagina more comfortable inside, even tho that's the last thing I wanted to do and my mind wasn't into it due to my sadness. Meanwhile I was waiting for Sir to show up, the next time he would reply was going to be the final goodbye.
After using a vibrating device for a little while and using my imagination to fantasize about him, I eventually started to get somewhat aroused, and even thought that maybe I would achieve an orgasm, as I hate the frustration of staying without one after stimulating. However Sir showed up exactly when I felt close, and since that meant we had to say goodbye, the approaching orgasm got replaced with bursting into tears, again. Not a good feeling when you've been building up to that for a moment.
I wanted to delay the goodbyes to tomorrow (of that day) as I felt so disheartened and vulnerable, which he agreed to, but I finally got my shit together and went on with the plan, I would have enjoyed any additional moments with him, any few more words exchanged, but it was only stretching the emotional torture and I was starting to get really really exhausted of feeling that way.
Maybe I should have gotten any more moments I could, maybe this was the wrong choice to do, but what's done is done now, I'm just holding onto the hope that he comes back to me when things in his life are more manageable, this DS relationship that had just started and got interrupted way too soon was so promising and I feel like it deserved more time to exist and to go somewhere, maybe not today, maybe another time. Please come back.
PS : as with the previous blog entry, apologies for not replying to things people have been commenting or sending me, I'm truly in a bad mind state and while I find it helpful to write in my blog, conversation can seem more intimidating and exhausting right now and I just don't have the heart for it. I will just say that I highly appreciate all the things people said and the way they tried to help, my silence doesn't mean that it had no effect.
Something strange I couldn't have predicted happened as I got closer to having to say goodbye to my Dom. A forgotten task, a failure, turned into somewhat of an obsession.
On one of our first casual exchanges, Sir had asked me to try and fit a thong inside my vagina if I felt daring enough, something I couldn't achieve as I am/was rather narrow down there, and since as it turned out my thongs are the bulky type with a thick band, somewhere midway between a g string and normal panties, so that would have been challenging for anyone even without a tight vagina I guess.
That I didn't know, I just took it as a failure, and failure to me is usually a step , the start of a long road, rather than the end.
He never insisted on it, never asked me to do it again, but I personally tried it a few times again, thinking every time that I finally came up with the method that will make it happen.
As my Dom's departure became imminant, I would say my brain subconsciously turned this task into a way to keep him, as if I had failed him, as if doing it made me more worthy, even tho this had nothing to do with him having to leave, nor did he ever make me feel this way about any task, it was just my stupid brain that assigned it a symbolic value that it didn't have at all, as if it was a rite of passage that I had failed back then.
I tried till I was hurting, I tried in tears, I failed again and again, and it didn't sit well with me. Finally in the last few hours before we had to say goodbye, I decided to give it a last attempt, my best try.
I had worked on stretching my pussy a bit the day leading up to this (fitting 12 pens whereas I started at 7, and 8 was painful the first time), I had some additional tips from a Dom I played with who's allegedly a doctor, and I had now a few ideas to compile and give it all I have.
So it happened, I finally succeeded. Yes he never asked for it, he even didn't like that I was pushing myself that way, but for me that was a nice way to end things. The introduction task that I had failed the first day, cementing the (potentially temporary) end of our DS relationship... kinda poetic in a way if you ask me.
Now it was a bad idea, and I'm never doing that again, this stupid thong was so compressed inside of me (cause I had to push it with the handle of a toothbrush to make everything fit, like when your case is too full for all the clothes and you have to apply weight to make it close) that it got stuck for a while, fucking scared the shit out of me.
After that I was so dry I had to self stimulate to make my vagina more comfortable inside, even tho that's the last thing I wanted to do and my mind wasn't into it due to my sadness. Meanwhile I was waiting for Sir to show up, the next time he would reply was going to be the final goodbye.
After using a vibrating device for a little while and using my imagination to fantasize about him, I eventually started to get somewhat aroused, and even thought that maybe I would achieve an orgasm, as I hate the frustration of staying without one after stimulating. However Sir showed up exactly when I felt close, and since that meant we had to say goodbye, the approaching orgasm got replaced with bursting into tears, again. Not a good feeling when you've been building up to that for a moment.
I wanted to delay the goodbyes to tomorrow (of that day) as I felt so disheartened and vulnerable, which he agreed to, but I finally got my shit together and went on with the plan, I would have enjoyed any additional moments with him, any few more words exchanged, but it was only stretching the emotional torture and I was starting to get really really exhausted of feeling that way.
Maybe I should have gotten any more moments I could, maybe this was the wrong choice to do, but what's done is done now, I'm just holding onto the hope that he comes back to me when things in his life are more manageable, this DS relationship that had just started and got interrupted way too soon was so promising and I feel like it deserved more time to exist and to go somewhere, maybe not today, maybe another time. Please come back.
PS : as with the previous blog entry, apologies for not replying to things people have been commenting or sending me, I'm truly in a bad mind state and while I find it helpful to write in my blog, conversation can seem more intimidating and exhausting right now and I just don't have the heart for it. I will just say that I highly appreciate all the things people said and the way they tried to help, my silence doesn't mean that it had no effect.
Total Comments 0
