A random assortment of reports, thoughts, ramblings and information. Pretty much a view inside my wonderfully complicated, sometimes broken, and entertaining mind.
My regrets about censorship
Tags anger, asslvr, butterfly, censorship, regret
I am going to interrupt my blog series on "facing fears and pushing limits" to post a blog that I have had saved in my drafts folder for almost 6 months.
After reading Sparklystar's blog about her Master being upset over a blog she posted, I left her a comment about blogs being your own personal thoughts and feelings, and not letting anybody say what you can and cannot write about. However, I felt like a hypocrite because I let this happen to me.
6 months ago, something happened that really made me angry, and I wrote a very ranty blog about it. As you will see, it was an incident that involved both Asslvr and I, and to be fair I wanted to make sure he was ok with what I said before I posted it.
However, for personal reasons, Asslvr asked me not to post it. I was very upset and hurt that he would tell me not to, but I understood and didn't want to hurt him and so I didn't ... but I have always regretted it, and I don't seem to be able to let this incident go.
So for the sake of closure, and for principals sake, today I am going to post the blog. Just so you all know, I HAVE discussed this with Asslvr and he knows that I am posting the blog. He said the following:
"I regret it too ... I would love it if you did ... Everyone knows how sweet I am and how much I love you and I'm not scared to say when I have done something wrong ... I've learnt and grown so much since then"
So here it is, exactly as I wrote it 6 months ago:
Lately my blog posts have been focusing on Asslvr, and I really do enjoy talking about him, but due to some recent events, I thought I would talk a bit about me tonight.
As you all know I am a submissive, and further more, I am privileged to say that I am Asslvr’s sub. However, that does not mean that he is responsible for my actions.
Today somebody tried to hold Asslvr accountable for my actions. And to make it worse … they expected me to grovel and beg them for forgiveness, and expected it to be done to their satisfaction or else it would reflect poorly on Asslvr as a Dom. Their reasoning? He has not trained me properly in regards to manners …
So I have a few issues with this …. where to start …
If I were to go downtown tonight and shoot somebody and I get arrested, I cannot blame Asslvr for not teaching me to be a better person. I know that this is a pretty exaggerated example, but the same were to be true if I was rude to somebody in chat … it wouldn’t be Asslvr’s fault or responsibility. I am responsible for my own actions.
Furthermore, I try very hard to be kind, nice and sweet to people. Even when I get angry, I am very conscious about the things that I say and do, and what consequences and effects my actions and words will have on others. I would never deliberately be disrespectful or rude to anybody. I believe in treating others the way I would like to be treated.
That being said, if I were to do something to somebody else whether it is because I was angry, grumpy or frustrated, I would expect that, that person would deal with me. I am the one who chose to say or do whatever it was that I did that offended them, and I am the person to talk to about it. I am the only person who can fix it.
I only submit to Asslvr. I do not follow orders from anybody else. I would never allow him, nor would he ever attempt to, punish me because somebody else believes that I need to be punished. I also do not answer, beg or grovel to anybody but him.
Lastly, my training is between Asslvr and I. Nobody else knows what we work on. Maybe we only try to train me to stuff as many marshmallows in my mouth as possible …
For the record … Asslvr is not my parent, my life coach or my preschool teacher. Although it is his responsibility to help me grow as a person, it does not make him responsible for teaching me manners, or to be respectful to other people, or to share my toys in the sandbox, unless of course, those things are something that we have directly decided to work on. I like to think that when I met Asslvr, I had already learned how to say please and thank you, how to be a decent person and how to say sorry when I hurt somebody.
… but no matter what kind of training we are working on, it is nobody else’s business (unless one of us decides to share those details with you) and therefore nobody else has a right to comment on our training, or to assume that Asslvr isn’t doing his job correctly.
In conclusion, I want to say that both Asslvr and I both thoroughly enjoy receiving messages from everybody. We love to hear compliments about each other, hear comments about our story together, and neither of us are above asking for advice and encouragement in our journey together. I do not want to deter anybody from messaging us. This was a very rare incident and it just really rubbed me the wrong way, and I needed a safe place to rant. So, thank you for listening, and, as I have heard some wise old gandalf type character say on more than one occasion, I now return you to your regularly scheduled programing.
After reading Sparklystar's blog about her Master being upset over a blog she posted, I left her a comment about blogs being your own personal thoughts and feelings, and not letting anybody say what you can and cannot write about. However, I felt like a hypocrite because I let this happen to me.
6 months ago, something happened that really made me angry, and I wrote a very ranty blog about it. As you will see, it was an incident that involved both Asslvr and I, and to be fair I wanted to make sure he was ok with what I said before I posted it.
However, for personal reasons, Asslvr asked me not to post it. I was very upset and hurt that he would tell me not to, but I understood and didn't want to hurt him and so I didn't ... but I have always regretted it, and I don't seem to be able to let this incident go.
So for the sake of closure, and for principals sake, today I am going to post the blog. Just so you all know, I HAVE discussed this with Asslvr and he knows that I am posting the blog. He said the following:
"I regret it too ... I would love it if you did ... Everyone knows how sweet I am and how much I love you and I'm not scared to say when I have done something wrong ... I've learnt and grown so much since then"
So here it is, exactly as I wrote it 6 months ago:
Lately my blog posts have been focusing on Asslvr, and I really do enjoy talking about him, but due to some recent events, I thought I would talk a bit about me tonight.
As you all know I am a submissive, and further more, I am privileged to say that I am Asslvr’s sub. However, that does not mean that he is responsible for my actions.
Today somebody tried to hold Asslvr accountable for my actions. And to make it worse … they expected me to grovel and beg them for forgiveness, and expected it to be done to their satisfaction or else it would reflect poorly on Asslvr as a Dom. Their reasoning? He has not trained me properly in regards to manners …
So I have a few issues with this …. where to start …
If I were to go downtown tonight and shoot somebody and I get arrested, I cannot blame Asslvr for not teaching me to be a better person. I know that this is a pretty exaggerated example, but the same were to be true if I was rude to somebody in chat … it wouldn’t be Asslvr’s fault or responsibility. I am responsible for my own actions.
Furthermore, I try very hard to be kind, nice and sweet to people. Even when I get angry, I am very conscious about the things that I say and do, and what consequences and effects my actions and words will have on others. I would never deliberately be disrespectful or rude to anybody. I believe in treating others the way I would like to be treated.
That being said, if I were to do something to somebody else whether it is because I was angry, grumpy or frustrated, I would expect that, that person would deal with me. I am the one who chose to say or do whatever it was that I did that offended them, and I am the person to talk to about it. I am the only person who can fix it.
I only submit to Asslvr. I do not follow orders from anybody else. I would never allow him, nor would he ever attempt to, punish me because somebody else believes that I need to be punished. I also do not answer, beg or grovel to anybody but him.
Lastly, my training is between Asslvr and I. Nobody else knows what we work on. Maybe we only try to train me to stuff as many marshmallows in my mouth as possible …
For the record … Asslvr is not my parent, my life coach or my preschool teacher. Although it is his responsibility to help me grow as a person, it does not make him responsible for teaching me manners, or to be respectful to other people, or to share my toys in the sandbox, unless of course, those things are something that we have directly decided to work on. I like to think that when I met Asslvr, I had already learned how to say please and thank you, how to be a decent person and how to say sorry when I hurt somebody.
… but no matter what kind of training we are working on, it is nobody else’s business (unless one of us decides to share those details with you) and therefore nobody else has a right to comment on our training, or to assume that Asslvr isn’t doing his job correctly.
In conclusion, I want to say that both Asslvr and I both thoroughly enjoy receiving messages from everybody. We love to hear compliments about each other, hear comments about our story together, and neither of us are above asking for advice and encouragement in our journey together. I do not want to deter anybody from messaging us. This was a very rare incident and it just really rubbed me the wrong way, and I needed a safe place to rant. So, thank you for listening, and, as I have heard some wise old gandalf type character say on more than one occasion, I now return you to your regularly scheduled programing.
Total Comments 9
Comments
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To the contrary, why can't we blame everything on Asslvr? Every single time Dwarf makes me mad (or any other emotion besides happy), from now on, I will blame in on Asslvr.
^^ That is precisely how ridiculous what that person said to you was.
Asslvr is not, in any way, responsible for your actions (maybe if he knew you were going to kill someone and didn't stop you...)! You are! Although I'm fairly certain you didn't do anything wrong.
In fact, I would be interested in placing a bet...
Geez Louise. It makes me want to rob a bank and blame it on DrW (and ultimately Asslvr
). I'm not responsible, my Dom is! Duh. Arrest him. He didn't train me not to rob banks...
I'm also glad that I'm not responsible for DrW's actions. He can do dumb things sometimes... (I mean that with all love and knives and affection). Good think he's mostly a good boy.
I love your face all the way to the moon! And back.Posted 04-16-2015 at 09:31 AM by eivins 
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I do and don't agree with this, I don't agree with the person expecting you to grovel to them or beg for forgiveness that is none of their business how asslvr and yourself choose to deal with the situation. Too many dominants think it's their god given right to be treated like some ethereal being, a deity that must be worshipped and adorned by everything beneath. Sheese, get over yourselves, you're just normal folk like the rest of us.
I also agree that every individual should take responsibility for their actions, however, I disagree with your view on it being asslvrs responsibility for your manners and behaviour. In my opinion you are his submissive and how you behave and act does reflect upon him, the same way a child misbehaving reflects upon their parents and an employee behaving badly reflects upon their company.
Sure if you're outside of this site or another bdsm community/event then that doesn't count in the same way how I act outside of office hours doesn't count on my company but whilst on here there is an element of asslvr being responsible for how you act.Posted 04-16-2015 at 09:56 AM by Tease
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As you know I disagree ... I would ask you this, do his actions reflect on me? or is it different because he is the dom? He is just as much MY dom as I am HIS sub. And in our relationship we are equals. He may give me rules and tasks but in the grand scheme of things, we make decisions together.
I am still my own person. I have my own feelings and I can act out when I am hurt or sad or angry. Just like any other human being. Those things should not reflect poorly on Asslvr. Those are impulse things that I do, that I need to deal with the consequences of.
If we were a married couple out in the world and a friend of ours and I got into a fight and I said something mean, does that reflect on him? It shouldn't.
I can maybe agree with you if I deliberately was being mean and nasty to other people ... it brings into question his decision about wanting to be with me, but I am still the one responsible for my actions and choices. I am his sub and his girlfriend, I am NOT his property or his child or his employee. We are equals.
But as always we are both free to agree to disagreePosted 04-16-2015 at 10:48 AM by Butterfly
Updated 04-16-2015 at 10:50 AM by Butterfly -
In some respects yes his actions do reflect upon you as well, if he acts badly your friends or even strangers may question why you are with him.
Of course you are still your own person and still equals but as a submissive you are his, you are owned by him to serve him and in situations where you represent him as his submissive i.e. sites like this then yes how you act does reflect back to your dominant. He would be the one to correct your behaviour and punish you if you do wrong after all.
If you go along to some some bdsm events with high protocol then as a sub you wouldn't be expected to speak without permission from your dom, now knowing asslvr and yourself that wouldn't at all be your thing (nor mine for that matter since I like my sub to have a voice).
Now I'm not trying to suggest that having an argument in the supermarket, or shouting at someone who your friend got into a fight with in the outside world would reflect on him, those are vanilla scenarios where that kind of etiquette doesn't apply.
At the end of the day every bdsm relationship is different and the two of you will know what works for your relationship, just saying that what is generally accepted in the bdsm community is that a sub is owned by their dom and that their actions reflect upon him.Posted 04-16-2015 at 11:17 AM by Tease
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For me, I compare our d/s relationship to a marriage and that is why I suggested the example about getting mad at a friend of ours. I do understand my friends and acquaintances questioning why I am with him or why I would want to be with anybody who acts that way, but his actions are not my responsibility. They may influence my decision about whether to stay in the relationship and may have consequences for both of us as a unit but I would not take responsibility for what he chose to do or say.
For example, if I were to be harassing people in chat, and the kids decided I should be banned ... is that something asslvr should be banned for as well? Is it something he would need to punish me for? For me the answer to both of these is no. I would never allow my dom to punish me for doing something outside of the context of our relationship.
I understand people have different views on d/s relationships but it bugs me that they assumed it was asslvr ' s responsibility when we don't feel that way. Asslvr doesn't not OWN me. Because I am a human and cannot be owned. He is mine and I am his but I am not and will never be owned.
And the bigger issue still remains that I do not answer to anybody but my own dom. No other person can make me grovel or beg. And in the end I didn't feel I needed to apologize because I did nothing wrong.Posted 04-16-2015 at 11:31 AM by Butterfly
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I think it's great that you posted this and I can see where both you and Tease are coming from.
Personally I have told Mumbles that everything she does reflects on me. As we are in an M/s relationship and I don't consider her equal to me (uhoh... controversial...) I think this applies more. I make as many decisions as possible for her when situations permit it. Absolutely everything as much as possible so if she were to shout at someone in public it could easily be something I have told her to do. For example at a football match I made her shout out things to the players. it was my words but I made her do the shouting. Had she then went on to shout out racial slurs or sexist comments, that could easily be seen as coming from me too. So for her every action she takes could reflect on me.
I dont think my actions reflect on her the same way because she has no control over how I act or respond or behave so she cant be held accountable. But if she were to do something to upset someone I believe it would be largely my responsibility for not stopping her. This is purely our example and our definition of BDSM but, Butterfly, I completely agree with your comments on the situation given your relationship with Asslvr.
Neither are wrong or right, just individual to us.Posted 04-16-2015 at 11:40 AM by Saddi
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i honestly haven't made my mind up on this issue i guess i can see it both ways it might also be an interpretation thing for one I am thinking that reflects upon and responsible are two different things
for example if asslvr decides to walk around with penis balloons while he is with you you aren’t responsible but it does reflect on you being one off the reasons why you blush it’s the same the other way around I would think so if you decided to curse everyone out at the airport he isn’t responsible but it also reflects on him
since I am not married I am not really an expert in the area but I am guessing it works the same for example my stepmother often enough says to my dad well unless you put some other pants on I am not going with you to the shop since it would reflect on her
and ultimately if you decide to shoot somebody like in your extreme example and you would be married with asslvr that would also reflect on him that doesn’t make him in anyway responsible maybe I have the wrong definition off the word reflect though since I am thinking it basically means having a influence on how people look at you
also I am not even saying its fair that it reflects on the other partner in the relationship but that is how it works like the example with my step mother
but like I said I haven’t made my mind up yet but that is partially because I think there are many correct answers to all these questions since every relation is unique and everyone should do what works for them the other part is probably because I haven’t thought about it enough to know what my favorite stance on the subject would be
as for the other parts of your blog I think it isn’t acceptable for anyone outside a relation to judge or try to dictate how a certain relation should be or work and its even less acceptable for someone outside a bdsm relationship to demand things like punishment, begging , groveling , answer, etc
now on to the most important question and the main reason I am sending a comment how many Marshmallows can you fit in your mouth ?
Posted 04-16-2015 at 04:26 PM by groen
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I think it depends on the nature of your relationship and the limits within which it operates. For some people, the dominant is responsible for the submissive's behaviour, he/she does train/teach/guide the sub in his/her interactions with others. If that type of thing is under the dominant's authority, then the submissive would be accountable to the dominant for such behaviour.
But if that is not the nature of their relationship, then it isn't applicable, and it would be inappropriate for the dominant to exert influence in this area of the submissive's life. It would be beyond the negotiated limits. Either way, in the instance you've described, Butterfly, that guy was an ass. Generally speaking, I can see how someone from a background where they are accustomed to the dominant exerting authority over the submissive's behaviour with others might come to the conclusion that if a sub truly behaved horribly, the right and appropriate thing to do would be to speak to the dominant. Not because of his status, but because that would show respect for that dynamic. The key, then, is determining the nature of the dynamic.
My relationship with Wardell is more like yours and asslvr's - I am responsible for my own behaviour with other people, as Wardell doesn't have control over me in that regard, he isn't specifically training me, for instance, in how I 'ought' to address certain people. It doesn't apply to our dynamic. For some people it does - and not because the sub is incapable, unintelligent, weak, mindless, or any other negative connotation, but because that is their kink, their relationship, an aspect of who they are together. I don't think it is fair to hold a dominant resoonsible for something that is not under their control in the relationship, just as it is unfair to impose something on the submissive that is not part of the relationship.
And that guy was still an ass who I think was making assumptions based on his arrogance and pride rather than taking the time to think.Posted 04-16-2015 at 06:49 PM by naughtylittlegirl
Updated 04-16-2015 at 06:52 PM by naughtylittlegirl -
So keep in mind I'm coming at this from a D/s, not an M/s, perspective. And a light D/s at that. I don't even think capitalizing dominant is important. *gasp* And that I don't think I could attend a high protocol event such as Yogi mentioned.
But I think that whether or not my actions reflect on my dom depend on the interpretation and the situation itself. For the most part, I don't think of myself as a reflection of my dom. I'm just me. I am not a product of him. He has had some input into who I have become, but I remain largely the same person I was before I met him. But, in reality, not a lot of people on this site are familiar with him. So the only thing they know of him is what they see of me. They have no other basis for judging him. Even if he were active on the site, the people someone chooses to surround themselves with says a lot about their character. Granted, I could just be really good at hiding what a horrible person I am and surprise everyone (including him) one day with terrible, awful judgy comments in the chat. But chances are, I'm not that skilled at deception. So, yeah, I think I AM a reflection of my dom. But not necessarily because of our D/s, or at least not just that. I'm also a reflection of all of my friends. My parents. My bosses. My local playmates. Because our actions are a combination of the input from our surroundings, the influential people in our lives, and whatever unique copyrighted stuff in our brains makes us us.
As for whether or not I expect Almost to "correct" me. Kind of. If he witnesses or hears that I've done something that is genuinely out of line or that he disagrees with, then yes, I expect him to confront me about it. But I expect the same of my best friend. I think that's part of any healthy relationship. There has to be a level of accountability. And who better to do it than someone who knows me well enough to be able to understand how my mind works and know how to say things that will get through to me and help me develop and enact a plan to rectify the mistake if necessary. But I wouldn't really consider it his place to punish me.
Now, I do know people who actually do act in their dom's name. Think answering messages and coordinating schedule and general secretarial duties. If, in that capacity, they acted discourteous, then it would naturally reflect on their dom.
Oh, and the instance you spoke of in your blog. That person was being a butt. My response to them would be that their absurd demands of you reflect poorly on whoever trained them in D/s conduct.Posted 04-16-2015 at 09:29 PM by kittenlyss
Updated 04-16-2015 at 09:41 PM by kittenlyss
