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And Now For Something Completely Different

Posted 06-11-2018 at 05:14 AM by Yasna

This is not one of my usual blog posts. It doesn't contain anything of a sexual nature. It might not even be relevant in the context of this forum altogether. If you're interested in a bit of the background of the person who's writing this you're invited to read further, otherwise feel free to ignore it and don't waste your time.

What I want to write about accounts for a huge part of my life. I've been indecisive whether I should talk about it for a long time. On the one hand it is nice to have places where it is unknown, where people are unaware of it, where it isn't to the fore as it is in my everyday life. That's one of the advantages of an anonymous forum. On the other hand I feel I'm hiding away something, maybe unnecessarily, I'm digging myself deeper into the trenches, thereby upholding an unhealthy pattern. So here we go:

I have a mild form of Asperger's syndrome. Yes, recently it has been reclassified as a part of the broader "autism spectrum disorder", but I don't want to get too technical here. Asperger's is a form of development disorder where affected people are just as smart as other people, but have difficulties in social interactions. It's also highly variable according to the situation. If we met you might notice nothing particular at all or you might notice that some things are slightly off or you might think I'm a moron. As I have mentioned I have quite a mild form. I went to a normal school, I hold a normal part-time job, I study at a normal university, and I would like to become a teacher at a normal school too (which might not work out). But that doesn't mean that everyday life is easy. Let me explain what living with Asperger's means.

I'm a typical "Aspie" to the effect that I don't have problems with communication per se, but with the social aspect of it, its hidden underlying rules. I often don't know how to start a conversation, how to keep it up, how to end it. I struggle to find appropriate topics, and I don't know how to change topics if necessary. It is difficult for me to understand innuendoes, irony or sarcasm. I'm insecure in interpreting body-language, facial expressions, or changes in the tone of voice. Maybe the most noticeable about Aspies is that they tend to interpret things literally. When somebody writes: "You're a dirty girl!" I wince and look for smudges before I understand. In a nutshell: I'm socially awkward in direct communication and I tend to avoid it. That's probably why I like writing and reading as much as I do. All these factors play a tangential role there. And nobody sees when it takes me half a minute to decipher the true meaning of a sentence. Furthermore I really appreciate emoticons; for me they are really helpful, e.g. like a note: that was meant ironically.

The difficulty to interpret non-verbal clues comes with an even heavier baggage: the difficulty to understand the feelings of others. People yell at me and I don't get that they are angry; people have tears in their eyes and I don't get that they are sad; people become uncommunicative and I don't get that they want to end the conversation or need some time to themselves. I appear arrogant, unapproachable, and/or indifferent. (It's not that I can't empathise. I can understand and comfort somebody who is sad, I just can't read the signs saying "I'm sad" well unless it is explicitly said.) Sometimes I can't even identify what I feel. Hence I find it very difficult to meet new people and to sustain friendships, let alone romantic relationships. Imagine to be with someone and every conversation is a minefield of potential misunderstandings.

Finally I have some motoric problems and appear clumsy. But that has become much better since I was a kid. Two years of orgasm denial could probably not frustrate me as much as my futile attempts to learn to roller-skate. Nowadays I can ride a bike and work as a waitress despite I'm holding the unofficial record in dropping and knocking over drinks. Just don't throw a ball at me without prior warning.

What's the significance of all that in the broader context of this forum? I sometimes think it's particularly ironic that I have Asperger's and strong submissive tendencies. The one draws me away from people, the other makes me crave an intimate relationship that seems unattainable or at least extremely difficult. If you think about it, the combination of trouble with social interaction and understanding your own and other's feelings might be the worst possible one for a D/s relationship whose success hinges so much on excellent communication and the ability to empathize. My few real life experiences have not been promising. But honestly, it's not a priority at the moment. My life is challenging enough as is. However, I don't want to be treated differently than any happy-go-lucky girl. Just use a lot of smiley faces, please.

Maybe all I want this post to mean is expressing some appreciation for the getdare staff and community who have created a space for interests of all colours to be expressed and lived out. And they (=you) did this, mind you, in a way that I feel safe enough to tackle this uncomfortable topic. So thanks to all of you.
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    Thank you very much for giving us this insight. I find it very interesting and I'm very curious now to read more of your blog entries. Unfortunately I'm currently typing in my phone so this message will stay rather short, but I didn't want to miss the opportunity to comment on your post.
    Posted 06-11-2018 at 09:02 AM by LestradeII LestradeII is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Butterfly's Avatar
    Thank you very much for sharing this and I am being genuine. I think it is great that you felt comfortable enough to share this information with all of us. Sometimes it is so easy to just ignore things that make us who we are, just because it is something we don't want to share. But this information is really helpful.
    Posted 06-11-2018 at 09:45 AM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline
  3. Old Comment
    Hammarling's Avatar
    A brilliant piece of writing, so very open and honest! It says a ton about you that sharing this is possible, all positive. And it's a good reminder that we don't know everything about who we are online with.
    Thank you for sharing, this has been really really interesting to read.
    Posted 06-11-2018 at 10:24 AM by Hammarling Hammarling is offline
  4. Old Comment
    sir sam's Avatar
    Thanks sharing, And please don’t feel bad about it. To begin with “these days” scientists did invent descriptions for about everything that would “in the old days “ just be a bit of an outskirt of normal behavior.
    Secondly you go to university... ahum... does that now mean that we need to categorize all “non uni going people” as dis-ordered for reason of not fitting in the “largely normal uni-going group”?
    Finally....
    I would consider “normal” to be boring mostly. The outskirts I definitely like more. My pet disqualifies completely for being “normal”. That makes her brilliant. To be honest I get a bit curious to your brilliant sides now (but I will stick to my pet).

    Having said all that. Feeling insecure about all that is not strange. I hope you find a way to grow over that. This blog in fact may be a very significant step.
    Posted 06-11-2018 at 10:33 AM by sir sam sir sam is offline
  5. Old Comment
    herpderp42's Avatar
    I didn´t really notice anything at all while writing with you.
    And it honestly doesn´t change anything for me, I enjoyed our conversation and you seemed like a very interesting and nice female and I am still thinking like that; why wouldn´t I?

    I am not really socially skilled or anything, so I am never sure what to say. So i will go with a pat on your shoulder. You are doing fine.

    P.S.: Funnily enough, I actually thought I would look like an uncultivated idiot in your eyes, because I like to use emojis.
    Posted 06-11-2018 at 10:53 AM by herpderp42 herpderp42 is offline
  6. Old Comment
    Yasna's Avatar
    Thank you all for your kind comments. I'd been so anxious about whether it was an appropriate topic to blog about my difficulties to judge which topics are appropriate.

    I'm fully aware that "normal" is just a social construct and no individual is "normal" in this sense. I also don't think of my condition as an illness, but as an uncommon distribution of strengths and weaknesses. However, humans are social animals and being limited in social skills is a difficulty that affects every part of one's life.

    But so far I have only thought of having Asperger's as an obstacle to fulfilling my submissive desires. Maybe this perspective is too narrow and your replies helped me see that. The kinky community might be a more suitable place for me than I previously thought because it's used to dealing with diversity.

    And finally: I don't wish I was different. Some things are so much part of us that wishing them to change to some degree implies wishing to not exist at all as the person you currently are. I'm happy to say I don't do that.
    Posted 06-11-2018 at 10:31 PM by Yasna Yasna is offline
  7. Old Comment
    stats2001's Avatar
    Everyone is normal in their own way xxx ������ I know a few aspires and your comments are very similar to what they tell me too!!!

    Keep up the great effort, and the blogs... Love to chat sometime, even if it's just a quick hello message ��������������
    Posted 06-22-2018 at 07:48 AM by stats2001 stats2001 is offline
  8. Old Comment
    Blue Fox's Avatar
    Well written article. While I don't have Asperger's, I know what it is like to have a hard time with social activities. Big time introvert here. And I fully agree with you, online communication is much easier as you have time to figure out what is being said and how to respond to it. And yes, the emoticons are awesome! I may over use them a tad... LOL
    Posted 06-22-2018 at 03:31 PM by Blue Fox Blue Fox is offline
 

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