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Failure

Posted 05-11-2019 at 08:32 PM by Butterfly
Updated 05-11-2019 at 08:35 PM by Butterfly

This week I really feel like I am failing ...

I have been taking hormones this week again, hoping to get ready for making a baby. They are awful honestly. They make me grumpy, emotional, nauseous and give me headaches. They also tend to make my blood sugar numbers surge. And that is a problem because I cannot get approval for fertility treatment unless my blood sugars are within target. So it is a frustrating never-ending cycle.

I am talking with a new potential Dom. We are doing a very short trial, just a crash course really to see if we are a match. Normally I spend lots of time getting to know somebody, I make sure they are going to stay around without receiving constant nudes or sexual conversation, but I had a good feeling about this guy. I took the leap and jumped in.

This is really not like me, and I know Mr. Devious is a bit concerned. He is protective of me and he knows how much I was hurt when Dr. Dom disappeared not too long ago. So I feel as though I am letting him down. That I am rushing into this and making him a bit worried.

And it doesn't help that I am really struggling to remember my trial rules. My trial Dom has been very VERY understanding and has gone out of his way to reassure me that he isn't keeping score. But I hold myself to a high standard. I want to be the best sub that I can be. I want to make him proud. I never want to disappoint him, or anybody.

Last night I had a great night out with my friends and some of their friends. We went to a bar and watched a live band. They did a lot of 80s and 90s covers and it was great. but everybody else wanted to dance, and I don't. So a lot of the night I was in our booth alone, and the other girls took turns to come check on me. And then I had to ask them to leave when I knew they were all having fun, but I had promised Mr. Devious that I would get home at a decent time so that he could go to work early, and I could babysit early.

Speaking of which, I knew Mr. Devious had said he would watch my friends baby while she slept so that we could go out, but I also knew it was a work night for him and he wanted nothing more than to be at home in bed, relaxing. So I just felt as though I was being a burden on him.

Finally, this weekend is mothers day here in Canada. I procrastinated and didn't get my mothers day gift ordered in time for it to arrive at my moms house in time. I told her what it was and she loved it (I am replacing some special things that she lost in her house fire). However, I know that my brothers aren't super thoughtful and don't plan a lot, so likely she wouldn't get anything special on mothers day. And of course, I kept meaning to mail her card, but it didn't go out until half way through the week.

I know she really appreciates everything that I do, but I just felt as though I fell short. And then she called me while I was out. My brothers ex girlfriend had somehow managed to save 90% of the baby photos and our family photos from the house fire. She spent time to clean them, air them out and then put them in new albums. She kept them put away until mothers day. I am overjoyed that we have those photos. It was honestly one of the hardest losses we suffered from the fire, but at the same time, I wish I had been able to do something like that for. I miss her. I wish I was there and able to do those big meaningful gestures.

Lastly, my mom fell and broke her ankle today. I really wish I could be there to help her as she now has 4 weeks of not putting any weight on it at all. Did I mention she lives in an apartment with no elevator, and she lives on the 3rd floor?

It has been an extremely busy week. I was sick most of last week, and I am doing everything I can for one of my friends who is alone with her toddler (we call her the toddler terror). I have barely been home. I am tired. I am exhausted. And my house is exploding with mess! Which makes me feel like an awful wife. Oh, and poor Mr. Devious has barely had a home cooked meal this week.


I just feel as though I am falling short all over this week.

Bleh!
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    Consensus's Avatar
    Not failure, but trial. You only fail if you give up. That you wrote this, and feel as you do, is evidence you have not failed. You are not failing. You are struggling, you are fighting, you are loved. And receiving love you don't feel you deserve is the hardest thing of all that you describe.

    For what it's worth, i suspect everyone you mention will tell you that you deserve their love and time. And you know this. When your new Dom tells you he's not keeping score, be a good sub, the best sub, and take him at his word. When your Mum is really made up about what you've done for her, take it at face value. You can't do more than you can do.

    Realising that this is unsolicited advice from someone on the internet, i feel for you. Maybe it helps to know that others, me, don't share your fear that you are failing; it sounds a lot like struggling bravely for multiple laudable goals to me.

    Sorry for the long, rambly response, but this oddball on the internet knows how you feel and wants to throw friendly love at it. Hope it works a little bit!

    Connie
    Posted 05-12-2019 at 12:56 AM by Consensus Consensus is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Jaro's Avatar
    You have nothing, absolutely NOTHING to feel guilty about Miss!
    You are good, you do good, you be you!

    I just wish you could relax more and weren't so busy all the time.

    Btw that bunny is insanely cute!
    Posted 05-12-2019 at 07:07 AM by Jaro Jaro is offline
  3. Old Comment
    Oh beautiful butterfly! You cant always be all the things for all the people! You have a heart of solid gold l, the sweetest and most thoughtful person i know ❤ cut yourself some slack!
    Though you better get back to my pms right now and fill me in lady! Lol
    I love you xx
    Posted 05-12-2019 at 11:13 AM by LittleMissSass LittleMissSass is offline
  4. Old Comment
    Stopclick's Avatar
    You know, sometimes there will be these times where everything feels chaotic and nothing feels right. And that's okay too, and it's okay to not like it and to feel overwhelmed. This will wash through you like a wave crashing over a beach. The wave for a moment is the edge of the entire sea before being absorbed into the sand, it's the character of the ocean, but it doesn't define it. And when that sense of balance returns, you'll be able to appreciate it all the more from your experience of times such as this.

    It can and does totally suck though, I hope you're doing okay.
    Posted 05-12-2019 at 06:10 PM by Stopclick Stopclick is offline
  5. Old Comment
    PrincessJessica's Avatar
    I don't have anything deep or meaningful to add to the above but just wanted to say how much I appreciate you sharing so much of yourself; your doubts, to guilty feelings (and yes you have nothing to feel guilty about) and life being a general pain in the bum. I hope the hormone tablets help you to your goal and this (hopefully) short-term pain will all be worth it.

    You're still good at finding them cute figs anyway
    Posted 05-13-2019 at 03:03 PM by PrincessJessica PrincessJessica is offline
 

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