Because things, basically.

Total agreement. But now I've caught up, it's easy enought o keep up. It's just taking a toll on me.

I never meant to claim it was specific to me. I'm all too aware that everyone here gets jealous of each other in the most polite way.

All of those things, Wigglyss. But you also know I'm speaking of something more and how little I really experience jealousy. For how you've felt, imagine what it's like for me - the one who feels that way in comparison to you (this all being re: our earlier discussion).

It's less that I'm not immersing myself and more I'm retreating within myself. I fought SO VERY HARD to come out and to come onto gD and I have done a few times and keep being rebuffed, not by anyone's will or intention. I just can't deal with it all and it's in an insanely unhealthy manner at the moment.

Normally, I retreat and disappear from FB (which kills my work) and e-mails and forums and everything and nobody knows where I am. but living in the same house as Paul means this never quite succeeds, so I can't brood and destroy myself and try to rebuild and come out afresh. I have suffered entropy, but can't allow myself the total collapse I need, let alone the rebuilding.

I am painfully aware of the implausibility of me looking after myself, taking care of myself and yet I know, in pure logic, not even just self-deprecation, I will never have someone both willing AND capable (let alone either) to be able to do it for me and I would wish that burden upon no-one.

But that's not really what this is about. This post was meant to be about how I am really quite glad you all have each other. I wish you all to stay happy together and to not take it for granted.

Ah, I said it wasn't basic jealousy. There have been moments and those are the worst because I freak out AND feel bad on top of everything else. Entirely right re: the stupendously high bar though - how could one ever compete with it Not that we're competing etc, but y'all now what I mean.
I appreciate you trying to be honest and balanced (scientists, eh? :P ). I don't doubt the others have problems on occasion as well. That being said - I am also painfully aware I won't be at that level in my life.

Good It is now the correct term.

Not. No matter how many people are in on that conspiracy! But you are kind for saying it's worse without me - sure it's not all that different

*dodges and politely collatees compliments to return them* I like your pie. I mean face. I face your pie. I think I didded it wrong...

Don't be sorry - it's not your fault. It's very kind of you to wish you could do something, but I'm not really one to ask even if I knew what there were.

You know where to find me if I am. From what I've heard, people discuss me when I'm not here anyways.

But your words are kind, sincere and mean a lot to me.

That explains her decision then.

Darelovergirl - thank you. You're not the only one to say it. I may need to make another blog post that explicitly explains: I can't go to people for help. I can't ask for things for me. If I do, it's an incredibly big thing to do so. I can't invite myself to people's ouses etc. Anyway, as I say, another neurosis for another time.


Intriguingly, as an addendum to this - oldDrunkWhore finally responded to me in chat today. Things are a bit strange, but have been discussed. Additionally, lexidrake183 got in touch with me via Skype having someohow seen this (I know she isn't often on gD these days) and we are discussing it right now. Coincidentally, Mikochan popped online earlier as well (although I was entirely distracted at the time and couldn;t speak to her): funny how things conspire when they're mentioned...

However, with it now having been somewhere into the 4th year of solo/celibacy (the astute will note I've been single for just coming up to 2 years though), asexuality has become more prominent. I think I'm changing tone now to just reveal a... concern, not fear, really (I have one fear and one phobia. Nothing else scares me and the phobia is purely physical manifestations of fear) - if presented with the opportunity for a sexual partner: will I do it right, be any good, freak out, etc... For a long time, it's the only thing I've actually been good enough at to be able to accept I'm good at it (to the extent that I have a friend who asked me to explain some things to her boyfriend and said to him I'm a sex-god. She and I have never done anything. Ever...) - but it's been so long and my confidence (in general) so torn down, not to mention my self-image and the knowledge of certain physical deficiencies associated with body type, that I no longer expect to be able to please. To find that out would be devastating. My first blogpost was all about how I endeavour to please and I mean/meant it more than just coitally, but obviously it comes into sexual acts as well (no pun intended - also, that would be the humour mentioned before...). Honestly, I had thought to make a blogpost within the last couple of weeks shouting that I have chosen to be celibate, in the vain hopes that it would make it feel like I had some control over the matter (alluded to in my previous blogpost, which kindly seems to have been forgotten - I've left it up for posterity and some of the wordsmithery in it, to be honest... I mean, it's not often such a clear stream of thought can be captured from me, as you may have noticed.), but it's not a choice, it's just the way things are right now. But the asexual nature of a defence mechanism isn't a choice of celibacy - it's my body and mind's reaction to the situation. It's essentially telling me that I do not feel that there is any point in participating in any kind of erogenous/genital play even with myself because there will be no future use or because I'm just not worth the time it takes or I don't deserve the pleasure/gratification/fun. It's not even just due to sex and such. The asexual nature of it all is a defence mechanism to the entire world and what's happening around me.
I don't really now how to explain this, but it's just not a reaction to ONLY my sexual situation. I have previously wanted to discuss it with the aforementioned friend (from an illness standpoint, not a sexual one as I don't talk sex with friends - well, in RL that is and not much about my own online either - rarely, if ever, giving details) the fact that I'm just "too depressed to masturbate" - which doesn't sound right without the correct inflection. It sounds like I'm saying the Big D means I don't want to. What I mean by it is that this low feeling means I haven't the inclination or desire or thought to...

I doubt this blog has been what I had intended it to be and I honestly don't know what it's like or how it reads, but I'm going to post it without reading it back. Who knows what y'all'll make of it, but maybe it''ll help, maybe you'll relate, maybe you'll understand what I probably don't. But here's some words and hopefully they've helped you pass some time. Ciao...

No need to apologise and very sweet of ye.

I know - same here.

And, honestly, I'm starting to wonder if I'm D/s at all. Which was the blog post I was potentially going to write that I mentioned to you. It is most definitely not the one I'm posting after this and, well, the less ye read of that one the better, methinks.

But to the point - if there is a D/s side to me (let's assume there is for the simplicity of this reply), then it is by extension of my personality. The whole pleaser aspect is one I live by. To the extent that my career is based around pleasing people - and even that has gone into pleasing those that please people (essentially how I became a techie). And so, it throws up the question of am I a pleaser and that leads me to D/s or am I a D/s pleaser? I think it's closer that I like to play on an equal footing, but don't like the pressure of taking the lead all the time, but am a pleaser at heart still - the sessions are for fun and I enjoy making others as happy as I can.


That being said, to jump onto what you said, I can be "bratty" - although in my own terms, I wouldn't say I was being bratty. I like to tease and push the boundaries and play with what someone's said and so on: and, I am of course, a loopholist (as I believe you are).
But I often feel I fit no description of any kind. I'm lost and floundering a bit. I have no place. Which is to do with me as much as it is to do with D/s - I have always lived with that being the case (never in any clique, but could flit between): it's back to the jack of all trades - only, this time, I don't feel like I have any right to do any of them. as you can see, my mindset on these things (andd many things as you've no doubt experienced by now, lol) change with my temperament.

Aye - satisfaction happens when I'm involved: but people need to give me the chance to do so. Impatient people rarely want to wait and sit through several years of my questions - but it's all information that makes me do things better for them.
And although I give no guarantee, I DO have a 100% track record...
I CAN LOOK TWO WAYS AND LICK FROM REALLY FAR! (That's probably quite useful in BDSM actually...)

I do them, but I could never do them on the level that you do things. take your ropework for instance - I used to learn knots. The only one I still recall is the reef knot. I could never hope to attain even half of your skill with them.
Sure, I try things - but I genuinely don't understand or even experience fear. I have one fear and one phobia: I don't otherwise get scared.
Courage is overcoming a fear, so I'm closer to ignorant, although thank you for thinking as much
Brilliant and talented are far from it as well. VERY sweet of you to say, but I am sometimes adequate and occasionally semi-skilled, but brilliance is not my forte and talents are innate - I have to pick things up.
Sweet - I'd never had said it myself (you know my inner emotional state, lol), but plenty of others have said it, so maybe it's true. Probably because I only eat sweets and desserts and stuff all day...

I am quite adamant that I won't ever fit anything, nor anyone, lol. Sometimes, I am quite okay with that. Other times, I'm okay with that, but need a friend's cuddle to help me be there.
And whilst I am unique, I return to my bent fork meme comparison: with a reminder, that it Chernobyl also amazed people. But thank ye, sweet Lyss x

(P.S. I doubt anyone will fit me - I am too fluidic and everchanging, whilst remaining utterly staid: a paradox of a man.)

Get kittenlyss onto the case then

I guess I technically am more sub - after all, a sub aims to please. Anyway, more to the point - I think thanks for saying I speak like a sub? But I don't get what it is then that makes me seem ik a Dom...

For me, it's more a talent - I didn't learn it, just was born lucky enough that I could. But being jack means I'm the best at jack - there is always someone better for whichever job at hand. At best, I''m an egg in an old car radiator - temporary at best.