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The curse of the rules

Posted 05-19-2020 at 07:26 PM by Butterfly

I have been continuing my search for a Dom ... a long, up and down journey. It's tough honestly. I have wanted to give up multiple times, but I know that when I find the right person, it will be worth it. It is so magical to find the right fit for you.

Throughout my search, I have come across a handful of men who I have had a seemingly amazing connection with. We can talk for hours. We stay up and talk about anything and everything together. Conversation is effortless.

After awhile, we start to talk about potential rules. I always get nervous at this point ... I don't want to get too attached. If history has taught me anything, it is that people always leave ... (One Tree Hill reference for any fans out there).


I always express my concerns, allow myself to be vulnerable, and then fight every instinct that I have to pull back. My partner is usually wonderful. They promise that they feel the same, that they don't want to get hurt or hurt me. That thing will be different this time.

We choose some basic rules and we dive in together and hope for the best.

Things go great ... for a day, maybe a week if I am lucky. And then things start to fail.

Our stellar communication starts to wane. It gets to the point where the only time we seem to talk is when I have to ask permission to pee.

I try to talk about it. Share my feelings. Make extra efforts, but I am pushed away. I am told that they are overwhelmed, stressed out, that they are dealing with things. I get it, I really do ... but why is that I am the straw that breaks the camels back.

Is it me? Maybe ... or maybe its just the curse of rules and responsibilities. I swear I am not THAT needy. I am a pleasant human. But yet, I think I am cursed. Maybe I need to light a Dom on fire, make butt plug stew or kiss a unicorn to break the curse.

I will trudge on ... continue to put myself out there ... and one day I will find a Dom who can handle giving me rules AND talking with me.
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    zephyrnem's Avatar
    If I have learned anything, it is that you need to limit what you want out of a master/sub relationship. Not because it cannot be perfect but because a relationship, it seems to me, an wreck things right off the back. I want my sub to start as a piece of meat to some extent. A happy piece of meat, but a plaything. Perhaps more would grow. Too much, too fast...well...as a master...I DO feel overwhelmed with emotional stuff if I am trying to learn the physical and strive to make a happy sub. As a sub? I want to be used. I don’t want emotions (you are certainly free to have any dim/sub relationship you want...I am simply putting forth a viewpoint) at the start. Those can grow later. Being a master, at least for me, is tricky, mostly at the beginning. Being friendly, and emotionally supportive cuts into that, and makes me feel like I and juggling a lot. I am very creative. I want to be a good master. To be a friend, at least to me, adds a level that is exhausting.

    Just my viewpoint. I certainly hope you find what you are looking for.
    Posted 05-19-2020 at 09:31 PM by zephyrnem zephyrnem is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Masterwants's Avatar
    I think people can underestimate the pressure that being a Dom or a master can bring sometimes, especially if you care and are concerned about a sub’s well-being. Sometimes if can get overwhelming if your professional or personal life gets complicated at times, trying to juggle all the balls is hard. I also think subs have an expectation that we can’t or shouldn’t make mistakes or have off days and should always be perfect, which against brings a lot of pressure. I guess communication is key and honesty, but I can appreciate that a sub will feel abandoned when their Dom or master suddenly backs off. I think not expecting perfection might help, as well as being open about what you want or need from the relationship from the get go. Maybe it’s about cutting each other some slack now and again and not letting your emotions feel that is wrong.
    Posted 05-20-2020 at 01:00 AM by Masterwants Masterwants is offline
  3. Old Comment
    Jaro's Avatar
    You are not cursed Miss. You just have bad luck, and the current corona times aren't exactly helping anyone right now. Indeed you should not give up. Never give up, as there is always hope.

    I hope you will find someone good because you definitely deserve it. We have been friends for 3 years now and I don't befriend people easily. You are the bestest and the sweetest and you deserve only the best!
    Posted 05-20-2020 at 07:20 AM by Jaro Jaro is offline
  4. Old Comment
    Butterfly's Avatar
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by zephyrnem View Comment
    If I have learned anything, it is that you need to limit what you want out of a master/sub relationship. Not because it cannot be perfect but because a relationship, it seems to me, an wreck things right off the back. I want my sub to start as a piece of meat to some extent. A happy piece of meat, but a plaything. Perhaps more would grow. Too much, too fast...well...as a master...I DO feel overwhelmed with emotional stuff if I am trying to learn the physical and strive to make a happy sub. As a sub? I want to be used. I don’t want emotions (you are certainly free to have any dim/sub relationship you want...I am simply putting forth a viewpoint) at the start. Those can grow later. Being a master, at least for me, is tricky, mostly at the beginning. Being friendly, and emotionally supportive cuts into that, and makes me feel like I and juggling a lot. I am very creative. I want to be a good master. To be a friend, at least to me, adds a level that is exhausting.

    Just my viewpoint. I certainly hope you find what you are looking for.
    I would much rather do it the opposite way. I would rather have a friendship before we have any kind of D/s relationship. It is why I like to take things slow and talk with them. I am very good at communicating and sharing those expectations, they always agree. But they are the ones who push for rules and/or tasks.
    Posted 05-20-2020 at 11:24 AM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline
  5. Old Comment
    Butterfly's Avatar
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Masterwants View Comment
    I think people can underestimate the pressure that being a Dom or a master can bring sometimes, especially if you care and are concerned about a sub’s well-being. Sometimes if can get overwhelming if your professional or personal life gets complicated at times, trying to juggle all the balls is hard. I also think subs have an expectation that we can’t or shouldn’t make mistakes or have off days and should always be perfect, which against brings a lot of pressure. I guess communication is key and honesty, but I can appreciate that a sub will feel abandoned when their Dom or master suddenly backs off. I think not expecting perfection might help, as well as being open about what you want or need from the relationship from the get go. Maybe it’s about cutting each other some slack now and again and not letting your emotions feel that is wrong.
    I am a switch. I have two subs and so I feel like I am in a unique position to understand the demands of being a Domme. I don't feel like I put unreasonable expectations on my Dom for that reason. I also always make an effort to communicate when I need things to slow down or need a break. Everybody struggles.

    When I notice that communication is starting to wane, I always reach out and ask what is happening. I offer a break, I offer support. Yet, my efforts aren't usually matched.
    Posted 05-20-2020 at 11:28 AM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline
  6. Old Comment
    Butterfly's Avatar
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Jaro View Comment
    You are not cursed Miss. You just have bad luck, and the current corona times aren't exactly helping anyone right now. Indeed you should not give up. Never give up, as there is always hope.

    I hope you will find someone good because you definitely deserve it. We have been friends for 3 years now and I don't befriend people easily. You are the bestest and the sweetest and you deserve only the best!
    Thank you my lovely worm. I will try to keep going.
    Posted 05-20-2020 at 11:28 AM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline
  7. Old Comment
    CSasha's Avatar
    Butt plug stew, hmmm ... I wonder how that tastes. Maybe jaro can execute one day when he has enough used and abandoned butt plugs to make a stew out of it. Without any glass or metal obviously.

    Anyway, I hear you. Now I know that from all I have read you are an excellent Dom(me?), Butterfly. You take your breaks whenever you need them, you communicate very well, and you care a great deal about your subs. I wish you would find someone like you in that regard.

    Have you tried limiting the rules time and dom relationship right from the start? Like a week for starters, with a follow-up talk, retrospective, and definitely a little break to breath and recover. It might help potential dom candidates to reconsider and take off some pressure. You are so wonderful, Butterfly, I doubt there are many masters potentially holding up to your own level.

    But I don't know. I haven't lived up to any long-lasting kinky relationship so far, neither as a sub nor on the other side.

    I still wish you the best on your journey. Don't give up. You are absolutely right that the search and future result is worth the trouble.
    Posted 05-20-2020 at 01:14 PM by CSasha CSasha is online now
  8. Old Comment
    Butterfly's Avatar
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Cassandra View Comment
    Butt plug stew, hmmm ... I wonder how that tastes. Maybe jaro can execute one day when he has enough used and abandoned butt plugs to make a stew out of it. Without any glass or metal obviously.

    Anyway, I hear you. Now I know that from all I have read you are an excellent Dom(me?), Butterfly. You take your breaks whenever you need them, you communicate very well, and you care a great deal about your subs. I wish you would find someone like you in that regard.

    Have you tried limiting the rules time and dom relationship right from the start? Like a week for starters, with a follow-up talk, retrospective, and definitely a little break to breath and recover. It might help potential dom candidates to reconsider and take off some pressure. You are so wonderful, Butterfly, I doubt there are many masters potentially holding up to your own level.

    But I don't know. I haven't lived up to any long-lasting kinky relationship so far, neither as a sub nor on the other side.

    I still wish you the best on your journey. Don't give up. You are absolutely right that the search and future result is worth the trouble.
    Thank you for the kind words. I always ask to only start with 3 rules max and it is within days of rules that things seem to fail. We don't even make it a week!
    Posted 05-20-2020 at 06:45 PM by Butterfly Butterfly is offline
  9. Old Comment
    deschut's Avatar
    Hi! Again a very well written blog, first of all compliments for that and being able to get this down on 'paper' so properly.

    I have as a dom also struggled with the same on a number of occasions, but also have succesfully had a number of long term Dom/Sub relationships - each lasting much longer than a year.

    It's a unique dimension that you need to create together, but also keep investing in. Communication in this is absolutely key. If it works, it's magical!

    I do hope that you find what you're looking for! You deserve it! Don't give up :-)
    Posted 05-20-2020 at 08:53 PM by deschut deschut is offline
  10. Old Comment
    Masterwants's Avatar
    I think for some, on either side, the thrill is in the chase. Once that is over the horror of responsibility looms and some find they can’t sustain it. When it works it works, but it’s a rarity.
    Posted 05-20-2020 at 10:41 PM by Masterwants Masterwants is offline
  11. Old Comment
    I’m sorry you are having such a hard time babe! You deserve someone wonderful! Xx
    Posted 05-28-2020 at 12:26 PM by LittleMissSass LittleMissSass is offline
  12. Old Comment
    TheQ's Avatar
    I hope you can forgive me bringing a response to this post being older and all but I just wanted to put in my thoughts on it...

    First off, this is extremely well written, it's always amazing when a sub can put her thoughts into words like this and it does generally help a Dominant to understand her and where she is in her head a lot quicker than trying to coax it out of her in conversations...

    Sadly for most 'Dominants' (and I use that term losely) the thrill is, as was posted above, in the chase. It's the Dog vs Car syndrome, they all bark and want to chase the car but have no idea what to do with one if they actually caught it... So they can talk the talk but they can't walk the walk...

    When it comes to working with and connecting with a submissive beyond the initial conversation it's often a lot more work and effort than your average 'couch potato Dom' is ready for, they think everything will be all 50 Shades of Stupid and the girl will be throwing herself at their feet begging them to do unspeakable things to them...they don't consider that half of being a Dominant is being a good friend.

    In my experiences, both in real time and online, I've found that if you focus 100% of your time on BDSM related items you are destined to fail 100% of the time. You have to have a connection with the other person beyond just the kink in order to bolster the times in between the orders, instructions, tasks, and training...

    I've had many, many, MANY girls ghost me after mere days of serving because they weren't ready for my over communicating factor, I'd rather always be chatting at some point or another (with understanding for real life of course) but there should never go too long of a period where you aren't interacting with your sub/slave or Dom/Master or else it's a sign of the first level of a relationship breakdown... Communication Loss.

    Sadly for those of us out there who are able and willing to work with a girl, both in giving her rules, enforcing them, and training her to become the best version of herself we are often overlooked or left in the dark by those who make much larger, more grandiose promises and statements but we always are the ones resting in the shadows to help pick up the pieces afterwards.

    I do hope all is going well for you now, and if you ever find yourself just wanting to chat (no strings attached unless you want them, and in that case bring rope not strings) please don't hesitate to reach out...

    I've been a mentor Dom longer than a lot of people in the life have been alive so I have no issue with spreading some of the experience around when I can.
    Posted 08-04-2020 at 01:50 PM by TheQ TheQ is offline
 

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