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I have a lot of things I should talk about and it is easier for me to do that on a random website to a bunch of strangers. You can comment on my stuff or not, but the majority of my blog posts will be personal things that are difficult for me to talk about out loud.
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The R Word

Posted 03-26-2017 at 12:48 AM by techiegirl

He didn't do that. It might sound like he did, but he didn't. It was just poor communication. Because that sort of thing has certain connotations. That sort of thing happens while you're unconscious or with a knife to your throat. He didn't do that.

We were both drunk and had been doing sexual stuff all night. I was at his place and our mutual friend had left, leaving us alone on his bed. He was pretty dominant with me and he knew I loved it. He made me give him a handjob, even though I had never done that before and I was scared. He fingered me, even though I was nervous and he was the first guy to ever try that with me. I was so tight that he couldn't even use two fingers without me saying crying out in pain. I'd pushed my limits and I was fine with that. I trusted him and I was drunk so it was easier.

I told him I didn't want to have sex. I told him and he laughed.

I'm a brat and we didn't have a safeword, did I mention I was drunk? It was stupid, but I didn't think to tell him what yellow and red meant. He would threaten to fuck me when I was bratty. He'd threaten to make me suck his cock, which would've been another first for me, but he stopped when I told him I wasn't ready for that.

We were horny and drunk and it was very late. Near five in the morning he pinned me down with my face pressed into the mattress. I'd already removed most of my clothes except for my thong, but he pulled that down. He'd spanked me earlier, another consequence for my brattiness, so I wasn't too worried. But then he leaned down over me, still holding me down and rubbed his cock against my ass and then the outside of my pussy.

I was turned on as hell. The fear and the desire and the total lack of control were intoxicating. He rubbed against me for a bit, holding me down while he bit my skin.

Then he told me to stay there while he got up. It didn't occur to me in my foggy state what he was doing when he left the room, but I now know he was getting a condom.

He pinned me down in the same way, but this time the fear was overpowering. I said no, I used his name and said it hurt. I told him to stop as he tried to enter me. I begged for him not to do it. He didn't listen.

It wasn't until he realized I was crying that he pulled away. I'm a brat you see, so he didn't understand that my no actually meant no. He didn't realize that I'd been molested as a kid and repressed most of the memories. He didn't comprehend that forcing me to touch his cock had forced me to fight the fear already. Trying to fuck me had been too much.

He didn't do that. At least, I don't think so. We talked that night and he felt terrible. It was poor communication and just bad timing. That's what I keep telling myself. It's not like I was screaming or he had a gun to my head. Yeah, he decided the best way for me to lose my virginity was a drunk fucking from behind at five in the morning. But, he apologized. He said he wasn't thinking, that he was drunk and a total jackass. He was worried about me, so it isn't like I was blacked out in an alley. He didn't even get completely inside of me, at least I don't think so. It hurt so much. But, it's not like he did that. I know it sounds bad, but he didn't do that.

I would be a sobbing mess if he had. I wouldn't have immediately wanted to talk to him about it as the days went on. I wouldn't be totally okay with how it happened. I wouldn't still be interested in playing with him. I wouldn't have nearly started crying at work because he was ignoring me. I would be repulse or furious at him. I wouldn't be pushing for us to meet up and talk things out.

So, he can't have done that, right?
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    CSasha's Avatar
    Interesting read, sad and lucky at the same time. Regarding the question, I am not sure what your insecurity is about. I'd ask, regardless of the word, if it was or exactly wasn't, what does it mean to you? I imagine you want to separate your darker past from that more recent past for obvious reasons. It's a big wound and you want to heal, not to burst open again. You have my total sympathy.

    My take away is, again, that assuming anything as given is one of the worst mistakes, not only in the context of sexual consent, personal preferences, but also at work and in any relationships. And everyone does it again and again, including me. Speaking something out or up is quite a struggle most of the times, the more important it is to do so.

    I wish you strength and many arms to comfort you to gain and regain it, to heal the big wounds.

    Take care
    Posted 03-26-2017 at 03:09 AM by CSasha CSasha is offline
  2. Old Comment
    kellyoftexas's Avatar

    Brave and Courageous Writing

    Wow. Just wow. Every word you use, and the way you use each one, makes the story, the images, the feelings and emotions, the conflict, so powerful.

    This is where the author writes with her heart and soul, and the reader can only read in awe.

    It's not the kind of writing where a reader comes back to the author and asks questions, or second guesses the author, or can even offer feedback, almost an act of presumption that makes it appear he knows more than she.

    Wow.
    Posted 09-02-2017 at 08:20 PM by kellyoftexas kellyoftexas is offline
 

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